Xenarella

Xena sat by the fire as she thought about the day.

*Twinkle, twinkle, fade in to dream thing, earlier that day. You know how they do that*

Xena's Evil Step Mother Callisto was sitting on the couch eating grapes while talking to her daughter, Aphrodite.

"So what happened to you today sweety?"

"Well first I hung out with the Prince of Sparta but he was so boring. Then I made out with this really cute guy, then found out he was just a commoner. Ew! You have no idea how gross that was. Then I brought a whole Calvinia Kleinia outfit and charged it to your account , um that's about all."

"Oh. Where is that girl?"

"Who?" Aphrodite asked.

"Your pathetic step sister. XENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Xena was in the garden picking herbs for dinner, it didn't really matter how much she put in, her cooking sucked, when she heard her Step mother calling her name. Well it was more like screeching her name, but that didn't matter at that particular moment in time. Xena stood up and gathered the various herbs and started strolling back to the house. She new she should run, or at least walk fast, but she would be dammed if she was going to move for anyone but herself. Ten minutes later she reached the back door to the house, which happened to be a whole ten second walk from where she was situated, but for some reason it took her ten minutes. Xena entered the house to find two very blonde annoyed women staring at her.

"What? I'm not your maid."

"In this story you are hon" Aphrodite informed our main character.

"Oh yeah." Xena mumbled to no one in particular.

*Fast forward, introduced the mean family, back to Xena sitting by the fire*

All of a sudden there was a knock at the door, which happened to be perfectly timed so Xena couldn't have a moments peace to herself. She made her way to the door and opened it for whoever happened to be there.

Just then Iolaus, the Kings Jester burst through the door into the living room.

"Here ye, here ye. The King has invited every fair lady to a ball so his son may pick a bride. So you chicks gonna come?"

Aphrodite and Callisto started jumping up and down.

"My daughter will marry a Prince." Callisto exclaimed

Iolaus rolled his eyes and leaned over to Xena.

"They actually think they have a chance?" He asked Xena who was standing next to him. In response she rolled her eyes. "You know you should come, you would be in with a chance."

"No thanks." She pushed him out the door and went to bed for the night.

*Meanwhile on the other side of the town Prince Ares was talking to him Very best friend Prince Joxer*

"I can't believe my father is holding a ball so I can find a bride. How pathetic." Ares sighed.

"I think it's cool."

"That's cause you have problems."

"No. Think about it. Your father King Zeus has invited every chick in the land so you can pick one out. I wish my father would do that for me. Hey can I have one of your rejects?" Joxer asked being the genuine dumb ass he is.

Ares just stared in shock at his best friend.

"Just kidding." Joxer laughed at the expression on his best friends face.

*Fast forward a couple of days. Xena and Gabrielle talking about the ball*

"Xena, you know you are my very, very best friend and I love you lots and lo......"

"What is it Gabrielle?"

"Will you come to the ball with me?"

"You have to be kidding me?"

"Please? I will do anything. I have to get out of here, I am not meant for simple village girl life. I have to see the world. *Sound familiar?*

"You don't even know the prince. He could be ugly, have an ego the size of Thrace, and be a dumb ass."

Gabrielle giggled, "Xena, he's a Prince."

Xena just rolled her eyes at Gabrielle's logic.

"Please....................."

"If I come will you shut up?"

"Um..........okay."

"Liar!"

Xena had to ask Callisto if she could go or not. Secretly Xena as hoping Callisto would say no. She approached the psychotic blonde who at that moment was playing with a hot poker. Xena stayed out of poking reach.

"Ah Step Mother deary?"

Callisto looked up to see that dam woman standing in front of her, but not close enough to poke. Dam! "What do you want?"

Xena sighed. "Please oh please can I go to the ball?" Xena said deadpan.

Callisto looked her up and down. Now she knew this wasn't how the story went but she was going to do it anyway. "Yeah sure."

Xena's face fell. "What?"

"I figure you don't wanna so I am making you."

"But don't you need me to cook and clean and wait on you hand and foot, help Dite get ready..........."

Callisto rolled her eyes. "Your cooking sucks. My family would've tasted better after you fried them, would you like fries with that?"

Tali buts in, "Ah can we please stick to the story?"

Xena and Callisto both turn to Tali. "Yeah, sure, sorry." They both mumbled in unison.

Callisto all of a sudden looks really innocent. "Sure you can go if you get Dite ready, clean the kitchen, make a eight course meal, steam clean all of the bedrooms.................."

"So I probably won't get there?"

"Yeah pretty much."

"Cool, thanks."

"Hang on, did I just help you?"

"Yeah." Xena walked off to Gabrielle and tell her the ‘good' news.

"DAM!" Callisto screamed.

Gabrielle was sitting in a field playing with a little bunny when Xena came along.

"Ah, Gabrielle, What are you doing with the rabbit?" In Gabs lap was a white bunny wearing a little dress and bonnet. To top it all of she had pinned a pacifier to the dress.

"Playing dress up with the bunny."

"Hmm.......... Have you been eating anymore nutbread laced with henbane?"

"No Xena." Xena looked to the Bunny to Gabrielle then back to the bunny.

The poor thing had a look of ‘please get me out of here'. Big pink eyes started up at Xena screaming for freedom from the mad blonde. Xena gently took the bunny from Gabrielle who quickly latched onto a buttercup. Xena removed the bonnet and dress Gabrielle had added and let the rabbit go. It got two feet away before it turned back to look at Gabrielle and had a heart attack.

"Hey Gab."

"Yeah Xena, what did your step Mum say?"

"She said yes, but I have to do all this stuff first and I will never get it done. I don't think I will get there." Xena started crying, well she pretended to. Gabrielle always fell for it.

*Twinkle, day of the ball*

Xena was helping Dite get ready for the ball.

"You coming Xena?"

"No."

"Why not? Could be fun."

"I could hang myself and it might be fun to."

Dite rolled her eyes. "So do you like know who the Prince is?"

"Yeah, Prince Ares."

"Oh yuck! That just totally ruins my night. Like I am not gonna marry my brother."

"He isn't your brother in this story"

"Oh yeah. Sorry. What am I worried about, I don't marry him anyway."

It was Xena's turn to roll her eyes.

Tali interrupts yet again. "Look I realize you two are having a tender moment and all but Xena doesn't know how this story ends, please don't ruin it Dite."

"Sorry Tali." Aphrodite apologized.

"That's okay Dite." Tali smiled and shut up.

Meanwhile Callisto was in the kitchen attempting to make a loaf of nutbread laced with henbane to give to Xena but she kept on burning it.

"Dam! I want to drug that girl, I know the way men get around her, they would run their own sword through their chest for her. I never got that kind of devotion." Callisto started sulking and burned yet another loaf. "Oh screw it she can eat it burnt."

She stormed into the room Dite was getting ready in and demanded Xena eat the bread.

"This is poisoned isn't it?" Xena asked.

Callisto tried to look innocent but just looked psychopathic. "No, would I do that?"

Xena just gave her ‘the look'

"Okay fine! It is poisoned."

"Will it knock me out for a few hours?"

"Yeah."

Xena sat there munching on the tasty treat Callisto baked her. Getting high was much better then going to a stupid ball. Then all of a sudden in the spirit of ruining Xena's good moods a tall muscular guy in a pink dress appeared out of nowhere holding a wand and wearing a wreath of blue flowers on his head. They really highlighted his shoulder length sandy colored hair.

"I am your fairy Gods Mother, Hercules." The man introduced himself in a sing song voice.

"Ah mate.... I hate to ruin your little fantasy but you are a guy, shouldn't you be my fairy Gods Father?" Xena asked.

"Look girly, in todays world I can be anything I want to be. I am your fairy Gods Mother, take note of the dress." Hercules smiled but looked rattled by Xena's observation.

"Ah okay." Xena smiled nervously.

"I am here to get you to the palace for the royal ball." Herc smiled back at Xena.

"But I don't want to go, I would rather stay here and get stoned like Gab does most of the time."

Hercules sighed, he couldn't take a high girl to the palace, he would lose his respect at the Fairy Gods Mother school in Corinth, well what little respect he had left. He was a moron, Demi God hero, who sleeps with everyone he saves, not to mention a guy in a dress, but that didn't seem to bother them, it was the prank jokes about the hydras that pissed them off. So Jerkcules cast a spell that cleared Xena's head and went about getting her ready.

...h.o.m.e...