Hercules' Angels

By Tali

"Good morning Angels"

"Good morning Hercules." Two women and a man replied to thin air.

"I trust you are feeling well?" The faceless voice asked.

"We would be if Xena stopped cooking muffins." The petite blonde of the three received a pillow in the head for that comment.

"I have an assignment for you Angels....."

"Owe! What is it Hercules? I'm ready, I don't know about them but I am!" Joxer interrupted excitingly.

" I'm ready. As long as Gabrielle stops making fun of my muffins." Xena pointed to Gabrielle.

"I'm ready." Gabrielle said embarrassed.

"Good. This assignment is going to be a little harder than usual. A mastermind named .......

"How much are we getting paid for this Herc?" Salmoneus stopped his boss in mid sentence.

"As I was saying the mastermind behind this is one Ms Dis-Cord. She is well known for her involvement with the Trojan War."

"Oh her? I don't like her." Xena said quite forcefully.

"Why not Xena?" asked Joxer.

"Because she tries to mess with Ares."

"Xena, what's going on between you and Ares?" Gabrielle asked bluntly.

"Ladies, and Joxer, can we get back to the assignment, please?"

"Yes, Hercules." The angels chimed together

"Good. Now, she has become very forceful and needs to be stopped. But, you need to go undercover. Xena, I think your so called 'friendship' with Ares will come in handy on this one."

"What do you want us to do Hercules?"

"Well I was going to suggest turning yourselves into Harem girls but then Joxer doesn't really have the body for it."

"Uh.... I think we might come up with something ourselves if you don't mind." Xena put it gently.

"What's wrong with my body!"

"Well," Gabrielle said slowly.

"All right, stop! Anyway, what did you have in mind, Xena?" Hercules interrupted.

"Well, ask Gabrielle."

"Gabrielle? What did you have in mind?"

"Um, ask Joxer."

"Joxer?"

"hmmm?"

"What do you have in mind to go undercover as?"

"Um.....ah......Gabrielle and I can be a married couple and Xena can be our daughter." Joxer smiled.

"Joxer!" Xena and Gabrielle yelled in unison.

"Sorry. Well have you guys got something better?" Salmoneus asked.

"We will, give us a sec." Gabrielle responded.

"Um, Gab? I don't think we have anything better." Xena pointed out.

"Well, can't you be the wife? I look much more like a daughter."

"Actually, Gabrielle, you look more like the wife. So, what do you think Herc?" Salmoneus asked his boss.

"I think it sounds like a great idea. Get started right away. And be careful, angels."

"Um just one question, do you really think Ares is dumb enough to bypass the fact that I'm not Gab and Joxer's daughter?" Xena asked.

"Yes." Hercules replied.

"Well they would have had to been about 2 when they had me."

"Your point?"

"Its just not realistic. But, if you insist." Xena tried to reason.

"Well, I'm glad we worked that out. Anyone got any other questions? No? Good, get going." Hercules was getting irritated and the angels could see it.

"Alright, everyone to work. The equipment is already downstairs." Salmoneus rushed.

"Sal, why are you in such a hurry? I bet you got a girl coming over, don't you?" Joxer said teasingly. Salmoneus blushed from his head to his feet and this was very noticeable.

"A girl? Joxer, you're crazy. Now get your booty downstairs!!"

"FINE! Be that way, I was only teasing." They went down the stairs and to the dressing rooms.

"Xennnnnaaaaaa! Come out, you couldn't look that bad!" Gabrielle called to her friend, who refused to come out.

"Isn't there another dress I can wear?! I look like a pink bimbo!" Xena called.

"Xena, I look bad too, but we've looked worse, now come OUT!"

Xena walked out wearing a short, very short, low in the front baby pink dress with little pink ballet slipper type shoes. She also had her hair done in pigtails tied with pink ribbon.

"My Baby! Come to Mummy." Gabrielle burst out laughing.

"Do you want a repeat of the Gabdrag?" That shut the small blonde up.

Gabrielle was wearing a simple yet elegant green dress. She looked neither poor nor rich, just dignified.

Joxer came stumbling out in brown leather pants and a forest green shirt.

"Not to shabby, Joxer." Xena said.

"I like it too. Anyways, my loving family, I'm so proud."

"Joxer!" Both girls whined at him.

"Sorry, sorry. Just getting in the mood. Gabby, you look so beautiful in that dress. And Xena, my dear daughter, pink becomes you." Joxer got a look that could kill. He gulped.

"Lets be on our way then, shall we?" Gabrielle asked enthusiastically. Xena groaned.

"Do I have to?"

"Xena, you are already acting like a daughter."

Salmoneus hurried in quickly, shoved a lolly pop into Xena's mouth, smiled apologetically and slammed the door behind him.

"What the?" Xena threw the lolly pop across the room.

They were three feet out of the office when people started commenting on how cute Xena looked. One woman pinched her cheeks and others talked baby talk.

"How stupid are these people?"Xena thought.

Gabrielle and Joxer were acting the part of proud parents a little too convincingly.

"Gab- I mean mommy, will you tell all of these dimwit people to leave me alone?"

"Now Xena, don't you wanna be cute?" Gabrielle said, grinning stupidly.

"No. Can we just get some horses and ride out to the temple?"

"But Xena, its only another 1/2 a mile or so until we reach the temple. We can walk." Joxer put on a apologetic face.

"But Daddy!" Xena's face dropped, she stared to shake, she was about to throw a tantrum.

"Xena, taking the role a little far you think?" Gabrielle asked.

"I'm in character."

"So we get to the temple and we are a simple village family praying with a little snooping."

Xena rolled her eyes.

"Well, we're here." Joxer said as they approached the temple.

"Oh man, if Ares recognizes me, I'm dead." Xena thought. Joxer opened the temple doors for them. A priestess came up to them.

"Hi, can I help you?"

"We are here to make an offering to the War God, my wife daughter and I." Joxer squeaked.

"What a pretty little girl you have there. So adorable. Have you something for the God of War cutie?" The priestess asked Xena.

Xena smiled sweetly and followed her ‘parents' and the priestess into the the main room. The minute the girl left Ares appeared smashing vases seeming oblivious to the three, until h saw the ‘daughter' of the pair. He burst out laughing. Xena wasn't sure if he knew it was her or if her was laughing at her hair.

"Here goes nothing." Xena thought as he fell to the ground laughing. Suddenly he got up and looked her straight in the eye.

"You know who you look like? You look like my Xena, but then again Xena doesn't wear pink and I certainly know she doesn't where her hair in pigtails..." He looked at her real hard again.

"Wait a second... Xena? Is that you?"

She put on a sugary- sweet voice and said, "Xena? Who's Xena?" Ares suddenly recognized that she was Xena, and fell on the ground laughing harder than before.

"You want everyone on Olympus to know you like to cuddle?" Xena threatened.

Ares sat up and stopped laughing. Gabrielle nearly fainted and Joxer hid a smirk.

"So why exactly are you dressed like that?"

"Um....ah.....Gabrielle....."

" Huh? Oh, um Joxer?" Joxer looked up at them with a face that said, "Do I have to do everything for you?"

"We are here because Herc gave us a new mission." Joxer looked down, afraid of Ares. Xena seemed to notice this.

"I'll ask him when Ares is not around. she thought.

"Oh, Herc, huh. Xena, I still can't believe you're dressed like that! Anyway, what did you come here for?" Ares asked.

"We came here because we thought you could help." Xena said.

Ares raised an eyebrow at that.

"Was it the big dumb demigods idea?" Ares asked

"Yeah, he want us to use Xena and your "friendship" to it's advantage." Joxer shut up quick with the look The God of War gave him.

Xena turned a colour to match her dress when Ares looked over at her.

"Can I have a moment alone with Xena ?" Ares asked.

"No, we have a very tight schedule." Gabrielle replied.

"Oh, well I wouldn't want to interrupt your 'schedule'." Ares snapped.

Joxer felt sorry for Gabrielle so he saved her so he said, " What Herc had in mind was that we go as a family to worship you."

"Well duh, Joxer."

Gabrielle felt sorry for Joxer so she said, "Leave him alone, he thought that's what you meant!" The last thing they needed was the two in a fight, but leave it to them- they started screaming at each other.

"Shut up Blondie!"

"Arrogant God of Morons!"

"Can't we all just get along?" Joxer yelled over the two.

God and Bard were battling it out between them with a war or words.

"SHUT UP!" Xena screamed.

Gabrielle stopped mid insult, Ares turned his attention to his Princess and Joxer was about to cry.

" Can we act civilized here?! I'm tired of all the fighting! Ares, we came here thinking you could help, but obviously, we were wrong!" Xena started to walk out of the room. Ares grabbed her arm.

"Stay, I can help. We won't fight anymore- right Blon...Gabrielle?"

"Sure." Xena smiled, "That's more like it. Now, Ares, we need to go undercover. What would you suggest?" He grinned devilishly.

"Well, you could be my concubine and-"

"Ares! I'm serious! We need a plan!"

"Fine. You could just stay like that." Ares laughed.

"What was your first idea again?"

"XENA!" Gabrielle hit her best friend on the arm.

"What?" Xena asked innocently.

"You two could be Priestess's and I could be a Priest." Joxer suggested.

"Yes! That's perfect, Joxer! I totally agree!" Gabrielle jumped up and down.

"I'll get the outfits you need to wear." Ares said and disappeared.

"Joxer, I'll never do anything for you again." Xena said harshly.

"Xena, what's wrong with being a priestess?"

"I just don't like being around them, that's all." Ares appeared.

"You won't have to. I told them to take a few weeks off."

"Were you listening the whole time?" Xena asked.

"Yeah, sure. I like to know what's going on."

"You're worse then Aphrodite." Xena rolled her eyes.

"So what do we have to do?" Gabrielle asked.

Xena and Ares both smiled evilly. These two had no idea what they got themselves into.

"Cook...." Ares answered but was cut off by Xena.

"Clean......"

"Do whatever I tell you to." If it was possible Ares grin got bigger.

Gabrielle and Joxer both turned white, that was not what they were expecting.

Ares handed the clothes over and told them to go get changed.

"I look like a dork." Gabrielle sulked.

"Look Blondie, you always look like a dork." Ares stated.

"Hey!" It was about to turn into another all out war when Xena emerged, that stopped both of them dead.

"Why do you two always have to fight?! You could be married!" Xena hid her smile. Gabrielle and Ares moved away from each other.

"That's it, just stay away from each other and you'll be fine. Anyways, Joxer and I will start cleaning. Gab, you go cook."

"Xena? Did you know I'm the one who's supposed to give orders?"

"Shut up Ares, I'm in no mood. We're only waiting for Ms. Dis-Cord to come gloat about something. Go sit on your throne and be a good little boy." She turned on her heel and grabbed Joxer's arm. When they got outside, Xena decided to talk to him about earlier. "Joxer, why are you scared of Ares?"

Joxer looked up and said, "I don't want to make him mad, that's all." Xena could tell he was lying.

"Joxer, there's something you're not telling me."

"And your point?"

"Tell me."

"I thought Gabrielle was the one who had to know everything?"

"Joxer, please?" Xena smiled.

"It's just...never mind."

"Joxer. Look at me. You can't tell me? Come on....."

"Ok, fine. Ares scares me because he always makes fun of me. I get the sense that he doesn't like me... and I don't wanna be on his 'list'."

"That's not bad Joxer. I'll talk to him."

"If he knows he'll make my life even harder."

"No he won't." Xena assured.

"You think?"

"Ares is the one everyone picks on, he's just venting. I'll talk him into finding someone else to bug."

"Thanks Xena."

"Sure Joxer, I'll go right now." Xena walked in to the temple.

"Ares!" she called.

"Yes?"

"Ares, Joxer feels bad and thinks that you don't like him. I would appreciate it if you would make him think you are pals or something cause he feels really, really bad."

"Well, Xena, if that's what you want."

"Now Ares, its onl-" she looked at him. "You mean you will?"

"Yes."

"Oh, well thank you. I'm going back outside." She turned to walk outside.

"Wait! I wanna talk to you."

"What about?"

"Well, I was kinda wondering... are we...well... are we... a couple?" Xena was shocked.

"Are you turning soft?" she asked, grinning.

"NO, no I was just asking." He smiled.

"I'll think about it." Then she turned and walked outside.

Gabrielle stood shocked at what she had just heard. She was going to ask what Xena and Joxer felt like for dinner when she saw Ares and Xena talking. Being a true bard she decided to listen for a good story opportunity. She could write a soap opera with that info.

While Xena was about to walk outside, Joxer ran smack into her.

"Oww! Watch wher- oh Joxer, I'm sorry, are you ok?" Gabrielle ran up to them.

"Joxer, Xena, what do you want for dinner?"

Gabrielle was giving Xena looks that did not go unnoticed by both the Warrior Princess and Joxer.

"Ah Gabby is there something wrong with your eyes?" Joxer asked.

"No, why would you ask that?"

" Well, you seem to look like you're glaring at Xena or me. Are you mad at something?" Gabrielle looked at him.

"No, I'm just getting irritated because I don't know what you want for dinner! So what do you want?"

"Gab, I know what I want. I want some roasted rabbit and some rolls and some cheese and some Are- I mean some cherries." Joxer and Gabrielle looked at her like she was insane.

"Well?" Xena asked.

"No disagreement there." Joxer said.

"Alright, that's it. I'll go fix some dinner." Gabrielle turned around and walked off to the kitchen.

"Xe-"

"Don't even ask, Joxer."

Joxer was cleaning the throne room while Xena went to get water when he found a passage leading to a long hallway. Joxer being as oblivious as he was decided there was no harm in taking a look. At the end of the hallway there were two doors, Joxer took the left one and walked in on Ares sitting on his bed grinning like an idiot.

"Ah......I'm really sorry Ares...please don't hurt me." Joxer pleaded.

"Hurt you? Why would I do that?"

"Because you don't like me."

"Not true. In fact we might have alot in common."

Joxer looked at the God of War strangely. Here sitting in front of him was a man who verbally abused him every time they crossed paths.

"I think I'm in love with Xena, and I know you are in love with Gabrielle." Ares smirked at the uncomfortable man in front of him.

" Well, I better go, they're probably looking for me." Joxer said, kinda hesitant.

"Ok, if you want to."

"Oh and Ares, you ARE in love with Xena. I see the way you look at her." Joxer ran out of the room as fast as he could. Joxer slowed down when he found Xena and Gabrielle.

"Something wrong?" Xena asked, concerned.

"Yeah, I was just having a little chat with Ares." Xena smiled and Gabby put a look on her face that said, "Sure". Joxer smiled back at Xena.

She mouthed, "I told you."

"Where's my Dinner?" Ares called as he walked into the room.

"Ares, I thought you let your priestess' and your priests on break. So get your own dinner."

"But-"

"We don't want to hear it Ares, you and Joxer stay here, Gabrielle and I are going to discuss what we're gonna do next because obviously, Miss Dis-Cord is not coming."

"Wait.......um......I have to show you your rooms." Ares stopped Xena mid step.

"Lead the way." The angels smiled.

"I'm not sure." Xena whispered.

"Xena, they won't notice!" Ares argued.

"Gabrielle might."

"Not if you get back in your room before ‘little miss sleepy head' wakes up."

"I don't know....."

Gabrielle who was eavesdropping on Xena and Ares was hit over the head by one of Ms Dis-Cord's bondage boys and dragged away.

"Ow! That hurt!" Gabrielle thought. "I need to get to Xena and Joxer to tell them that Ms. Dis-Cord knows about our plans!" Gabrielle kicked and screamed and took fits. All of a sudden, she just started talking, and talking. She wouldn't stop, she couldn't stop. She had to warn Xena and Joxer, no matter what the cost.

During her incessant rambling the bondage boys fell asleep from boredom and the short bard made her escape.

The God of War and Warrior princess were interrupted in the middle of the night by a red faced blonde storming into the room, followed by Joxer who was a little disorientated.

"Discord knows!" She panted.

"What do you mean 'Discord knows'?! What happened?" Xena asked, shocked.

"While you were asleep," she eyed Xena and Ares "some of her boys came and dragged me off. I managed to escape. That's what happened. Obviously she knows about our plans."

"She knows us, not our plans." Joxer corrected her. He went on. "What do we do now?" Xena looked at him.

"We have no choice. We have to go extremely under cover now. Ares has to be with us. If anything happens we can still be his Priestess' and Priest. But in the meantime, we need a new plan of what to do. Anyone?" They all looked at each other.

"Harem girls... hmmm... No, we have to be respectful to Joxer." Ares snapped his fingers. "The concubine thing."

"Ares-" He put his hand over Xena's mouth.

"Its not a bad idea, but its not being very respectful." By now Ares looked like a puppy dog at Xena and Joxer was staring at Gabrielle and drooling.

"Yeah, not respectful. Lets think of other ones first." The boys moaned.

"But-" They started. But Xena silenced them.

Xena couldn't believe it, third trashy outfit in two days. After thinking about all their options they had consulted Hercules and Salmoneus, who had advised to go with Ares idea.

"Dam Men! Always stick together." Xena mumbled.

"What was that Xena?" Ares asked.

"Nothing."

He stepped up closer to her. "Now that WAS something, Xena. What did you say?" He stared at her with those brown eyes of his.

"Well I... I.. said... well I said that-" She looked up at him. He was trying to turn the tables on her! "I'm not telling you! Its none of your business anyway!" He tried to hide a laugh.

"Xena, dear! Your business is my business! Come on! Tell me!" Xena laughed,

"Whatever Ares. Leave me alone." With that she turned on her heel and stomped out of the room.

"Women. Especially stubborn women. Stubborn warrior women. Stubborn gorgeous wome-" Joxer walked into the room.

Ares started to open his mouth, but remembered what he had promised Xena.

"Hey bud. What's up?" Ares asked.

It wasn't so bad being nice to him. In fact, he'd probably end up as a very good friend. Joxer could teach him a few things, and he could teach Joxer a few things.

"Ares, were you just talking to yourself?" He asked hesitantly.

"Owe, right." 'He WAS talking to himself, he's just not going to admit it.' Joxer thought as a smile came to his face. 'Xena.' Joxer mused.

"Girl problems, huh?" It was more of statement than a question.

"Yeah, I guess. I just don't understand women. What are they really after?" Joxer's smile widened.

"Everything. And they play hard-to-get every time. You know what I mean? At least we get the girls as our concubines. Aren't you glad Herc said yes to it?" Ares smiled too. He was a good friend already.

"Us guys have to stick together. You know beautiful women, they love you one minute, then cut the legs right from under you the next." They stared for a moment. Then they looked down.

"Wheew!" They exclaimed. Legs were still there. That was close.

"Well, we better get a move on, we have a 'schedule.'" Ares said, mocking Gabrielle's earlier words.

They started walking out the door.

"HA! You're just eager to have Xena as your concubine." They laughed.

"You said it!" They laughed again.

"Sexist pigs!" Xena confronted Ares and Joxer as they walked out of the room after their ‘conversation'. She had listened to all of it.

Gabrielle came up and slapped Joxer.

"What was that for?" Joxer squeaked.

"Xena seemed angry so I thought I would join in."

"Do you even know what the problem was Blondie....I mean Gabrielle?" Ares corrected himself quickly from the death glare that Xena was directing at him.

"I'm sure it was a good cause." The blonde defended herself.

"Well you're wrong, my beautiful concubine." Joxer confirmed.

"And Xena, we knew that you were eavesdropping, that's why we said those things." Ares added. He looked at Joxer and winked.

"Right. You know I'm not stupid."

Gabrielle rolled her eyes, Xena just made a clicking sound with her tongue before walking off.

The next thing either man knew, they were being attacked by two big dogs of war who were trying to lick them to death. Gabrielle couldn't help it, she burst out laughing.

"S- shut uupp, Blondie!" Ares yelled through licks. When the boys finally got the dogs off, Xena and Gabrielle had already prepared for their so called 'journey'.

"Lets go." Xena said easily and started walking.

"Hey! Why don't I just transport us there?" Ares asked.

"Because warlords- with concubines- can't transport!" Xena said, annoyed.

"But-"

"There you go with the 'buts' again! What is it with you men, huh? Is it always 'but, but, but'?" Joxer and Ares grinned.

"Yep," Joxer said as he moved over to Gabrielle. He pinched her-ahem- BUTT.

"Ouch!" Gabrielle cried. She turned around and slapped him. "You pervert! You sick no good weasel!" She kept on calling him names while Ares chased Xena, trying to pinch her butt.

"Guys! We don't have time for this!"

"Aressssssssssssss!" Xena squealed.

"I don't like boats." Gabrielle managed to say before she emptied the contents of her stomach overboard.

"That was disgusting Blondie." Ares commented.

Xena grabbed her best friends wrist and applied pressure to the right point, instantly the bard felt better, unfortunately she also now thought that raw squid sitting on the deck to her right looked mighty appetizing.

Ares saw the direction Gabrielle's eyes went and saw her lick her lips.

"I think I'm going to be sick if she eats that."

Gabrielle ran over to the squid and started devouring it.

"EWWWW! SICK!" Ares cried. Xena went over and patted his back.

"Hey, no sweat. I put up with it every time." Xena smiled at him. He turned around quickly and put his arms around her waist.

"I love it when you smile." She kept on smiling and stepped up closer to him.

"Well, I love it when you smile." Ares smiled his charming smile. They sneaked below board and Gabrielle didn't even notice because she was too busy eating and Joxer was too busy being sick.

"Salmoneus, have you heard from the Angels?" Hercules asked.

"I got word today. They are on a boat heading North towards a small fishing village where the annual War convention is held."

"Isn't that kind of dangerous? Xena and Ares are both well known to ‘Bad Guys'"

"They assure me it's safe." Salmoneus crossed his fingers behind his back.

Gabrielle looked up from her squid. She noticed Xena AND Ares were gone.

"Joxer. Do you know where your so called 'buddy' is?" Joxer looked around.

"Nope. Maybe they went down below to get they're jig on." He laughed. Gabrielle joined in.

"Like Xena would do anything with him." They continued they're laughing. Gabrielle stopped as she realized that Xena HAD gone below deck, but not necessarily with him. And even if they were, Xena wouldn't do anything, would she?

"Speaking of getting your grove on, why don't we?" Gabrielle slapped him and huffed away. He was actually becoming charming.

"NAH!" Suddenly, she heard moaning.

"Oh by Zeus's boxer shorts that was Xena." Gabrielle grabbed a mop of the deck with her right hand, a tentacle still in the other and rushed to save Xena.

"Oh Gods don't stop!" Xena moaned.

"XENA!" Gabrielle knocked the door off of it's hinges.

There sitting on the bed with Xena was Ares. Gabrielle turned bright red.

"What is it Gabrielle?" Xena asked.

"Ah...um.......noth...nothing....Just looking for Joxer."

"He's still on deck Blondie." Ares answered.

"You stopped!" Xena stuck her bottom lip out.

Ares shook his head and went back to giving Xena the best foot rub ever.

"Well, ah thanks... I better.. be... leaving." Gabrielle ran out the now broken door and put it up the best she could.

"Ares," Xena said.

"Yes?"

"I think she thought that me and you were... you know."

"Yes, but she got a surprise, didn't she?" They smiled and laughed. Then they looked at each other.

"Ares." Xena said again.

With of a wave of his hand the door was fixed and bolted shut.

"Yes Princess?"

"Get back to my foot rub."

Ares smiled slowly. This worried Xena.

"Aresssss....." She hissed, "what are you planning?"

"Oh nothing." With a quick glance over his shoulder to distract her he launched a full scale tickling attack.

"No, no, no! Not my waist! Nahhhhhhhh!" She couldn't stop laughing. Ares just smiled and kept tickling.

"Not my neck! No, no, Not my feet!" He didn't stop. "Arrrrrreeeeesssssssss!" She managed to slip away, and she started running. He chased her around the room.

"You think you can run forever? You're wrong!" Ares taunted her. She looked back, and before she knew what was happening, she fell on the bed.

"Oh I've got you now." Ares purred.

"You certainly do." Xena smiled and pulled him down for a kiss.

Gabrielle sat on deck chewing on a tentacle, Joxer successfully throwing up the 10th time.

"It was innocent, a foot rub. Nothing more." Gabrielle smiled to herself.

"What are you talking about, Gab?" Joxer asked, confused. "Did you say you wanted me to give you a innocent foot rub? Well, I'd be happy to!" Before she could say anything, Joxer ran over and pounced on top of her.

They bother went sliding across the deck from the force of Joxer. The next thing either of them new..............

"Mum, Dad, what are you doing?" Urchin looked at his parents sitting on the floor.

"What's for dinner?" Flipper whined.

Baby Row jumped on her mother and wrapped a slimy tentacle around Crustacea's hand, Hagar looked on.

"Where are we?" Joxer looked at Gabrielle.

"I think I know." Gabrielle replied.

Ares pulled away as they both took a breath. "Wow! That was interesting. At least we know our kisses haven't changed." Xena smiled and punched him. "Oww! Hey, what was that for?!" Xena's smile widened.

"Just for being your nasty little self!" Ares looked at her strangely. "ME?! You kissed me! Women!"

They made their way to where Gabrielle and Joxer were only moments before to see sailors looking overboard.

"What happen?" Ares asked one burl fellow.

"Small blonde woman and annoying guy fell over. Can't see em no more."

Ares went to burst out laughing but by the look of Xena he thought better and stopped mid chuckle.

"Fine. We'll find them." Ares muttered.

Xena turned and smiled at her God of War.

"Now how would Dite do this?" He asked himself, "Probably some stupid incantation. Um.....stuff that, take us to the short blonde and stupid warrior wannabe." As they were consumed by a blinding light the sailors heard Ares yelp.

"Don't call my friends annoying."

"That hurt! Xena, don't pinch me there! Are you crazy!" Xena smiled.

"Maybe I am," Before she could finish, they landed on their butts in front of some weird- looking people- er- things. But what did look familiar, was Gab and Joxer. They looked a lot different. Ares stood there for a minute then burst out laughing again.

"Mum! I'm hungry!" Flipper yelled.

"What the....." Xena started but was cut off by Gabrielle.

"Flipper, go and set the table, Urchin you help, take Row with you." Xena, Ares and Joxer stood there shell shocked.

"Gabrielle, why did they call me Dad?"

"We're in some strange land, here your name is Hagar and I'm Crustacea, those are our three kids, Flipper, Urchin and Baby Row."

"Oh." Joxer fainted.

"Right now, let's just eat dinner. Then I'll explain everything." Xena and Ares looked at each other.

"Ok." Xena said. They walked over to the table. Urchin looked up.

"Mommy? Who are these people?" Row and Flipper raised they're heads too.

"They're nice people and mommy and daddy's bestest friends. Flipper studied them again.

"They make a cute couple." Urchin and Row giggled. Xena's eyes got wide.

"Children," Gabrielle scolded, "you shouldn't say such things to the nice people." They looked at her strangely.

Urchin slapped Xena on the butt. She jumped from surprise, the child was grinning until he saw the look on the tall mans face. It scream, ‘touch her and die!'

"Dinner?" Xena and Ares said in unison after a plate of green muck was served.

Suddenly, Ares leant over and grabbed Xena and kissed her. Gab's eyes got wide.

"Xena! What in Tartarus are you doing?! Are you insane?! The furies are at work! Ares just held her there and wouldn't let her go.

Xena woke up to Ares giving her mouth to mouth. She pushed him away and looked around. Gabrielle and Joxer were lying on the sand, unconscious but all right.

"What happened?" She asked.

"I think we ended up in Gabrielle's warped mind."

"Oh. That explains it. Well, where do we go from here?"

Ares looked around. "I don't think that's the question." Xena looked at him, confused.

"What do you mean?" Ares sighed, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"The question is, where are we?"

Xena got up while muttering things like, "I knew that," and "Smartelic, didn't have to tell me, I'm not stupid." Ares rolled his eyes.

"Gabrielle and Joxer are over there." He pointed.

"I know that, I have eyes."

He followed Xena over to them. 'I just don't understand women, they want to kiss you one minute then they want to kill you the next.' He thought.

"I heard that!" Xena hit Ares on the arm.

"I was thinking Xena. How in Tartarus did you hear that?"

"I have many skills."

"Yeah I taught you most of them, mind reading wasn't one of them." Xena just stuck her tongue out at him.

"For all you know I could have been thinking about how wonderful you are." Xena raised an eyebrow and hit him again before going to check Gabrielle and Joxer.

Gabrielle looked up as Xena and Ares walked over to him. "Xena! I had the most strangest dream! We were in this place, and me and Joxer were married, and our names were different, and me and Joxer had these weird looking kids, and it was so awful!"

Xena looked at Ares and rolled her eyes. 'She's so annoying! All she does is whine." Xena thought. Ares had read her mind and started laughing. She looked at him and started laughing. Joxer seemed to know too, so he started laughing.

"What are you all laughing about?!" They looked around at each other. Xena grabbed Ares and Joxer's arms. They huddled in a circle.

"We got two options. We can run-" Xena was cut off by Ares.

"That's stupid. I can transport us somewhere." Joxer looked at Xena.

"But, um, Xena- Ares? We need her. She's part of the 'mission,'" He said to them, while putting the quotation marks around the word 'mission'. "And," He added, "What would Herc think? Let's just get through the job he gave us, and then we'll get away from her. Deal?" He stuck his hand out. Xena and Ares put theirs' on top of his.

"Deal." They said together. They turned around and looked at Gabrielle. She was sitting down, waiting for them to finish. 'Dumb blonde. She didn't even try to listen.' Ares thought. Gabrielle jumped up as soon as she saw they were done.

"So?" She asked, wanting to know what was happening.

"Well, we continue, only this time Ares can transport us. Lets go. We've already wasted alot of valuable time."

They appeared in an alley in a small fishing village. It was nearing nightfall so the group made there way to the closest inn, the only inn.

Just before they reached the door Joxer stopped the group.

"Ah guys, this is a really small town, with usually equals gossip. Um...how about Gab and I are married, you two too." Gabrielle opened her mouth to protest but was cut off by Xena.

"I suppose. I hate little towns and the big mouths that live in them." Xena sighed.

Ares looked around to check if anyone was around and then waved his hand and they were dressed as village people. Ares looked down at himself in disgust. Joxer smiled in satisfaction and they entered the inn. All eyes turned to the new comers.

Xena sent Ares a mind message. 'How come every time WE walk into somewhere, people turn and stare?' Ares smirked. 'I have no idea. Maybe your beauty.' Xena smiled. 'Oh, I'm flattered, really.' They walked up to the counter.

"What can I do for you?" The innkeeper asked. Ares spoke for them.

"We need two rooms. Honeymoon suites. We just got married." The innkeeper smiled.

"Oh, that's wonderful! I'll get you those right away. Xena and Gabrielle pretended to giggle.

The kind innkeeper handed over the keys and showed them to their rooms. He then wished them a good sleep, he smiled as he said that, and went on his way. Xena grabbed the keys and gave one to Joxer and Ares.

"Have a nice sleep." She then grabbed a laughing Gabrielle and pulled her into the room and locked the door behind them.

Ares and Joxer stood there stunned. After there recovery Ares transported them into the girls room to see them rolling around laughing.

"That was not nice Xena." They jumped up.

"HEY! Go to your own rooms!" Ares and Joxer smiled.

"Oh, but girls.... You're our wives! We want to spend some time with you." Joxer spoke.

'Wow!' Xena thought, 'Ares taught him how to sound naughty!' After that thought, Ares flicked his wrist, and Gabrielle and Joxer were in one room, and Xena and Ares were in another. They couldn't get out, because Ares used his powers to not let them out, until morning.

"What are you gonna do now, princess?" Ares asked as he moved closer to her.

"Absolutely nothing."

Joxer and Gabrielle materialized on the bed. Now or never, he took a chance and kissed the bard, to his surprise she responded.

Meanwhile, in Xena and Ares room, Ares was still backing Xena up against the wall.

"Why aren't you going to do anything Xena?" He asked tauntingly.

"Ares, stop." She said clearly.

"Why? Are you scared?" Xena gave him a glare.

"No. I don't want anything to happen, that's all." He tilted his head.

"But what about in the cabin? You were practically screaming for me to do something. Xena thought of an excuse.

"The water got to my head." Ares laughed.

"Xena- how can you deny this? You flirt with me evveeerrrryyyyyyytime, every time, we meet. Why are you acting like this?" Ares mind screamed, 'WOMENNNN!' He gave her the puppy dog look. She was about to reply when they heard moaning and groaning and stuff moving around.

They both looked over in the direction of Gabrielle and Joxer's room. "I think the Bard and Joxer are doing it." Ares looked disgusted.

"I think you're right." Xena stood stunned.

"Gods help me." Ares sulked.

Xena looked at him. "Why you? I'm the one who has to see them every morning for the rest of my career days." Ares looked up at her.

"True. You wanna have some fun?" Xena put a frown on.

"Ares, I told you, I'm not gonna-" Ares held a hand up.

"I don't mean that. I mean with Gab and Jox." Xena smiled.

"In that case, OK!" They went up against the wall and listened. 'Sounds prettttttttyyyy heated in there.' Xena sent Ares a mind message. He chuckled. Xena giggled. He rotated his hand and Xena heard a crash.

"What happened to the bed?!" She heard Gabrielle say. She giggled again. Then Ares took her hand and led her to the bed.

"What are you doing?!" She asked in a hoarse whisper.

"Nothing. Get up on the bed and jump on it. I'll make moaning sounds. Then we will switch."

Gabrielle and Joxer heard moaning sounds coming from their friends room. Meanwhile Xena and Ares were having a blast. Both were jumping on the bed and making stupid noises. It took all they had not to burst out laughing. Joxer and Gabrielle on the other hand where started to panic.

"What are they doing?" Gabrielle asked, dumbstruck. "The same thing we were. Lets be louder." They smiled together. All of a sudden, Xena and Ares could hear them, louder than the last time.

"Aresssssssssss! Comon! We have to be number one! Moan louder!" He jumped on the bed with her and they started to moan louder. Then, Joxer and Gabrielle heard them get WAY louder.

"I give up." Joxer said. He got up and banged on the wall. "Enough already! You're gonna wake everyone up!" Xena and Ares laughed.

"Yesssssss! We're number one! We're number one!" Xena yelled.

"You know, it'd be funnier if it was the real thing. We cheated in a way. Joxer and Gabrielle were for real." Xena gave him the look.

"Don't start, Ares. You had your fun, now lets go to bed!" Ares looked at her, his smile widening.

"Is that an invitation?" He asked hopefully.

"I don't know, is it?" Ares' smile got even WIDER, as he crawled up on to the bed. Xena giggled. Just then, Joxer and Gabrielle burst through the door.

"Trouble- downstairs!" They all ran out the door.

"DAM BARD!" Ares yelled.

They quickly made there way down stairs to see one of Miss Dis-Cord's bondage boys run out the door after grabbing a piece of pie off of the counter.

"She know's where we are." Gabrielle sighed.

"Maybe he just wanted pie." Joxer interrupted.

"Joxer, do you really think they just came to get a pie?" Ares asked.

"We better get a move on. If she knows where we are, we can't risk staying here." Xena stepped in.

"Xena's right. Lets go upstairs, pack our things, and head out. They trudged up to their rooms.

"Just when we were about to have so much fun!" Ares exclaimed when he and Xena got into their rooms.

"What do you mean. I was just teasing. I wasn't gonna do anything." Ares laughed.

"Right Xena. You just wanted me to come and ravish you until you lost yourself completely.

"Whatever."

Gabrielle who had been standing at the doorway cleared her throat for attention.

"DO you two mean you were jumping on the bed and making noises?" She asked.

Xena and Ares looked sheepily at each other before smiling slightly.

"Oops. Guess we got caught." Xena whispered.

"Yeah well..us to." Gabrielle turned bright red and walked away.

"Oh man! I can't believe they were cheating too! We win, anyway, cause we were the loudest." Xena screamed after Gabrielle left.

"Xena, I don't care what you say. When we go to the next place, we're gonna have some fun." Ares patted Xena on the bum.

"We win, we win...." She chanted.

"Xena hon, I think the Bard was covering. She turned brighter then a beetroot."

"You got a point."

Gabrielle was bashing her head against the wall as Joxer packed up their stuff.

"They were faking Joxer!" She freaked out and tried to hit herself with a handful of potpourri.

Xena started walking out of the room. She flipped back around. "Oh, and Ares? Don't call me hon." She giggled and walked out of the room.

"Ok! Honey- Bun!" He called out after her. She stormed back in. She stopped and looked at him. Then, outta no where, she grabbed him and kissed him.

They were interrupted by Joxer frantically knocking on the door.

"Gabrielle's lost her mind."

'Oh man, oh man!' Ares thought. "Lets just go on without her." Ares suggested.

"I guess we can. It'll be better that way. She can catch up later." Both men were surprised that she agreed. "Well don't just stand there! Lets go!" Xena grabbed Joxer and Ares' hands. They disappeared and reappeared in Athens.

Ares turned to see Gabrielle holding onto Joxer arm for dear life.

"I thought we left her?" He asked.

"She must have grabbed on at the last second." Xena sighed.

Gabrielle opened her eyes. "And what was that?! Were you just planning on leaving me there?!" Joxer, Xena and Ares looked at each other. Then looked around. Then looked at her.

"YES!!!" They all said together.

"Xena?" Gabrielle asked, looking sheepishly at her. Xena looked down at the ground. "Xena?" Gabrielle asked again, raising her voice this time.

"Gabrielle, stop bugging me! It was only going to be until we had time to figure a few things out! Now bugger off!" Gabrielle's eyes got big and looked like they were going to pop out. Xena turned to Ares and Joxer and they started talking about what the plan was. When they they got finished talking, they turned back around.... and Gabrielle was was standing there- dumbstruck.

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO BLOW!!!" Xena screamed. Ares grabbed Xena's arms and talked to her.

"I know you want to have fun, with me, but lets just wait and see what happens." Xena smiled, grabbed him and kissed him.

"You can't leave me with her!" Joxer screamed.

"That's what you think? Come on lover boy." Xena smiled and grabbed Ares arm.

Ares woke up to Joxer grabbing his arm while mumbling something. The two men had been forced to share one of the honeymoon suites in the small village they were staying in. Xena hadn't liked the idea of sharing a room with the blonde anymore then Ares would but it was worth it just to make Ares suffer. To add to his pain that dream he had just lived through seriously scared him. The only good part was Xena's great need to get rid of the blonde.

"What????" Joxer let out a high pitch squeal while throwing the blankets off and jumping up.

"Nothing. Go back to sleep Joxer." Ares sighed. The man beside him who had not fully waken up laid back down.

"Okay Mummy."

"Oh! Ares, I was gonna ask you.... what were you dreaming about?" Ares smiled.

"Xena." Joxer rolled his eyes.

"Of course. That was a sorta stupid question, huh?"

"Nope."

"Ok, well, I'm going back to sleep." In the morning Ares woke up to find Xena slapping his cheek.

"Morning, sunshine." Ares smiled and stretched. "Joxer told me you had some pretty strange dreams last night." Ares looked over at the other side of the bed.

"Where is Joxer?"

"He and Gabby went downstairs to have breakfast together."

"Ohhhhh." Ares thought for a moment.

"Ohhhhhhh?" Xena eyed him strangely. Before she knew what was happening, Ares was up up out of bed and had her hands in a strong grip. "Ares, what are you doing?!" Ares smiled and held her waist with his other hand.

"Xena.. did you notice we're all alone? So now that we're all alone, we can have fun."

"Yes, but, unfortunately, I told them we'd meet them down there. Now let go, Gabrielle offered to wake you up." Ares thought that was so sick, and he almost gagged, but Xena grabbed his hand and she pulled him downstairs.

"And guess what else? When I said I'd wake you up, Joxer smiled and winked at me. Why is that Ares?" Ares laughed nervously and shrugged.

"Oh come on, I don't know." "Somehow I knew you wouldn't." When they got to the table, Gabrielle and Joxer were waiting for them.

"Xena! Ares! I didn't expect to see you so soon." Ares tilted his head to the side. Xena looked confused.

"Why?" Joxer obviously got the message and quickly covered.

"No reason. Ares just doesn't seem like a morning person." Xena looked over at Ares and glared.

"He's not."

"How do you know Xena?" Joxer asked.

Xena who was about to beat Joxer to a bloody pulp was stopped when the owner of the inn came up to them with his wife.

"So when did ya all get married deary's. Icas told me you were all newlyweds. Tell me everything." The inn keeper slowly shrunk away and left his meddling wife with the poor young couples.

Joxer found this was his moment. "Well, m'lady, Gabrielle- this blond one overhere- we got married in Corinth. Everything was so beautiful. And our good friends here- Xena and Ares- were there as the maid of hounor, and the best man." Ares knew his game. Joxer snaked an arm around Gabrielle and Ares snaked an arm around Xena.

"Yes, and we were married in Athens. Both of our weddings were very wonderful." Xena and Gabrielle eyed them suspiously.

"Hmmm...sounds dreamy...Xena did you say? Poor dear, sharing a name with that wicked warrior snake, must be hard. Redeemed my ass!" The older woman started.

Ares was about to add some choice words of his own when twelve or so of Discord's bondage boys ran into the inn. It was obvious they weren't back cause they liked the pie. Xena pushed the inn keepers wife out of the way.

"Aiyiyiyiyiyiyiy" The warrir princess yelled as she flipped over the table and was greated by a bondage boy, reared up and ready to fight. Ares soon joined his princess' side while Gabrielle and Joxer joined in the fight.

"Here we are, Xena! Fighting side- by- side. Just like we used to!! And you love it, don't you?!" Xena punched a guy and whacked him with her sword.

"Dream on!" She yelled and smirked. Ares smirked back. Joxer hummed 'Joxer the Mighty' song.

"Here we go!" Yelled Gabrielle. "Xennnnnnnnaaaaaa!!! Make him stop!" Xena looked at her increadiously.

"I'm not his mother." She said simply. Then, to Gabrielle's amazement, Xena and Ares did these rounds of flips and things, then held hands and Xena and Ares switched sides.

"Whoa!"

Then Ares said, "Hold on!" Xena flashed him a smile. Then he spun her around while she kicked a bunch of the idiot's that Ms. Discord had sent. Ares put her down and she threw her chakram. Ares picked a chair up and threw it across the room at a guy.

"Nice shot!" Joxer told him. Then, to everyone's amazment, Joxer kicked a guy, and the poor guy was thrown across the room.

"Go Joxer!" Xena and Ares said as they gave him High Fives. All of the bondage boys ran out the door as fast as their legs could carry them.

"Lets get outta here! Who cares if Discord fires us!" Xena and Ares smiled at each other.

"You remember those moves!" Ares exclaimed.

"Could never forget- that was the best battle ever! We blew that town away that day!" Gabrielle and Joxer put on confused looks.

"WHAT?!" Xena and Ares yelled in union.

"Well it WAS an important day!" Xena exclaimed, knowing that they wouldn't let it go. So she sent Ares a mind- message. Change the subject, Ares! Ares chuckled.

"It doesn't matter about that right now. We defeated those guys, and that's all that mattered. Oh, That was nice! You've never said that before! Xena thought to him. That's because I've always been the one who you have to defeat. Ares thought back. Xena felt sorry for him, but let it pass. Joxer knew something was up, so he broke the silence.

"Well, we better get going. We don't want some innocent people to get hurt." Ares snorted. Oh, no. Xena thought, he's back.

"Good work Angels...and Ares." Hercules muttered as an afterthought.

"Oh gee, thanks bro, praise." Ares smirked.

"Anyone want muffins?" Gabrielle asked.

"NO" They all screamed in unison.

"Ms Dis-Cord is defeated for now.....Angels she will be back."

"And we'll be ready." Xena smiled.

"Hey Herc, can Ares be an Angel?" Joxer asked.

Ares turned white at the prospect of doing good, Salmoneus fell off of his chair. Gabrielle burst out laughing, Xena held no expression at all.

"I'm counting on it." You could hear the laughter in Hercules voice.

...h.o.m.e...