Coming To An Understanding

Xena walked in to Ares’ temple and looked around. She needed to find him. She didn’t understand why he would sacrifice his immortality and his godhood to save Eve and Gabrielle, and she found that she desperately needed to know why. Xena knew that after saving Eve’s life, Ares would no longer be welcome on Mt. Olympus. He had no where to go, no friends and no one he was even remotely close to. He lost everything when he saved her daughter and her friend; he lost everything for her. Xena knew that the only place where he might feel at home would be in one his own temples, so she went to the one closest to Mt. Olympus first. If he wasn’t there she would keep trying all of them until she found him. When she entered she saw that he was not lounging insolently on his throne as she had seen him do so many times in the past. She wandered the halls in the back of the temple looking for him and calling his name, thinking that maybe he wasn’t here after all. Then suddenly he came out of one of the rooms and said, “What do you want?”

He looked haggard. There were the beginnings of dark circles under his eyes and he looked as if he had lost a little weight. Her heart went out to him. She wanted to run to him, to ease his distress and tell him that everything would be okay. He had always been so strong and so sure of himself, that it hurt her to see him like this, like he was somehow less. But Xena curbed the impulse; she couldn’t afford to show him how much she cared until he answered some questions for her. Gods don’t need to eat or sleep unless they choose to, and Ares looked like he was not getting enough of either. He wasn’t used to being mortal and it looked like he was not dealing well with the change. He was dressed in his normal black leather garments, but she noticed immediately that he was not wearing his sword. She was surprised; she had never seen him without it before, except once, the last time he was mortal, when someone had stolen it. The sword of the god of war is his symbol of power. Without it he is only mortal. Surprisingly, though she loved his strength, she had never felt closer to him then during the brief time he was mortal when she had helped him retrieve his sword.

“What do you want?” he said bitterly. “Can’t you leave me alone?” He turned away from her and stalked up the stairs and sat down on his throne. He leaned forward with his head in his hands and didn’t say a word. Xena waited, she wanted to see what he would do or say next. Finally Ares looked up; he seemed surprised to see her still standing there. He sat up straight and looked her in the eyes.

“Why are you here? The last time we talked you told me that the thought of us together sickened you. I finally got the message. I won’t bother you anymore. With most of the gods dead, the three of you are safe. So I’ll ask you again, why are you here?”

Xena sat down on the bottom step leading up to his throne and looked up at him, trying to gauge his mood. She could see sadness, a little fear, and something else in his eyes, something she couldn’t identify. It surprised her; she was not used to seeing Ares show fear. He was the most fearless person, god or otherwise, that she had ever known, after all what does a god have to fear? She’d never seen any of those emotions on Ares’ face before. Was the god of war capable of fear? Was he capable of sadness? He had always been a very selfish god, who cared only about violence, war and power. Considering he was the god of war, she could understand why, though she didn’t like it. But she had never seen him vulnerable like this, yes that was it, that’s what she saw in his eyes, vulnerability. Finally she spoke just one word, “Why?”

“Why? Why what?” Ares said bitterly, looking away.

“Why did you do it? Why did you give up everything to save Eve & Gabrielle? Why did you give up everything for me?” What did you hope to gain? Ares, I need to know. Please, it’s very important to me to know why.”

Ares looked at her, and then he leaned back in his seat and flung his right leg over the arm. He turned his head away from her and leaned it on the back of his seat. He was silent for so long, that Xena thought he was going to ignore her and not answer her question. Then he started talking and his voice seemed to come from far away…

“I am, sorry I forgot, I was the god of war. I thrived on violence and destruction and power. Whether you want to believe it or not, I was needed in the world. Without me to direct people’s anger and hostility into wartime pursuits, people wouldn’t have been able to live together without constant eruptions of anger and rage. You saw what the world was like when my sword was stolen and I lost my power for a short time in the past. I didn’t care about anyone; after all I was a god! I had unlimited power, I could go anywhere and do anything I wanted. Then you came along. You turned my world upside down. You were my pride and glory, my crowning achievement. I loved the darkness that I evoked in you; you were so good at being bad. We could have conquered the world together, you and I. But then you discovered your way out of the darkness and left my side. I found to my surprise that I missed you. I missed your anger, your bloodlust, and the way you kicked ass! I tried every way I knew how to bring you back and make you one of my warlords again so I could have you close to me. But you were too far-gone under ‘The Irritating Blonde’s’ spell. I hated her for taking you from me and I tried to turn you two against each other, but it didn’t work. I was obsessed with you, and I couldn’t understand why. I thought it was because we were so good at being bad together. Then I realized that I loved you. I was stunned, in love, the god of war in love? It was impossible, unthinkable! I thought I was wrong, how could I possibly feel this way. But it was true and I finally faced it. But I couldn’t tell you, I knew you hated me, that you hated the darkness in your soul that I brought out. When you died I knew that what you had needed all along was the kind of selfless, unconditional love that I couldn’t give you. I knew myself well enough to know that it was impossible for me. I knew my nature, I knew what I was, and I knew that I could never change. When your daughter was born and the prophecy was revealed that she would bring the eve of destruction of the gods, I realized that I was running out of time. For the first time in my life I was scared. I didn’t want to die, but I could see no way around it, except one. I thought that if I could have a child by you then my legacy would survive, and if I were to die a part of me would live. I also secretly hoped that if you agreed to do this to save Eve’s life, then maybe you would come to care for me somewhat. It was the only hope I had of being with you, of curing my obsession. I knew it was selfish to use your love for Eve to blackmail you, but I didn’t care, it was my only chance. I withheld my help to save your lives, to try to convince you to do my bidding. I never tried to persuade you, only to force you. That was my mistake. Because you weren’t a god I treated you like someone I could rule, not an equal that I could love. You were right to hate me; I deserved your hatred. But when it came right down to it, I couldn’t bear to see you die. When I thought both you and Gabrielle were dead I couldn’t leave you. I was devastated. I decided that if I could not have you in life, then I would have you in death. I transported your bodies to the top of Mt. Aetna; to a cave I knew of there and entombed you in coffins of ice. I made sure that your best friend was there with you, because I knew you would want it that way. What I wouldn’t have given for you to care about me as much as you cared about her. A part of me died with you that day. I mourned you for years. I told you as much when you returned, and even though you didn’t believe me, it was the truth. I told you the offer was still open to have a child with me to save Eve’s life. I loved you even more then than I did before because for me twenty-five years had gone by, twenty-five years without you.

When you told me that the thought of being with me sickened you, it felt like a knife was ripping my heart to shreds. I’d never been rejected before; after all I was the god of war, and no one rejects a god! When you rejected me I was hurt and angry and I wanted to hurt you as badly as you hurt me. I went to Eve/Livia and convinced her that everything you said to her was a lie. I wanted her angry with you; I wanted her to kill you. But you survived, you always do, and even though I wanted to hurt you I was relieved that you were okay.

When you came to Mt. Olympus with Eve and Gabrielle, I thought at first you were there to kill me, as you had killed so many of the other gods, for siding with Eve against you. I tried to pretend that I was not afraid by mocking you and daring you, telling you that I knew you would never hurt me. Then you shot me in the leg! I couldn’t believe it! When you wrapped me in those chains I decided to go along with you and see what you planned to do, to see why you were really there. Then you went before Athena and offered to spare the rest of the gods so that Eve and Gabrielle might live. I knew that she wouldn’t accept your offer, but I admired you for facing your death so calmly, it made me feel like a coward. Athena wanted you and Eve dead, but especially Eve. Once Eve was dead you would loose your ability to kill the gods, and then she could finish you off at her leisure. I found that I couldn’t let that happen. For the first time in my life, I wanted someone else’s happiness before mine, I wanted your happiness. I knew the only way to do that would be to save Eve and Gabrielle. I could not cure them without Athena’s blessing unless I was willing to give up my immortality. I didn’t hesitate.”

Ares turned his head back to face Xena, and she was stunned, there were tears running down his face. The god of war was crying!

“All I wanted was your love and respect, and to make you happy,” Ares whispered. “But afterward when I was hoping you would be in my arms, when I was hoping you would kiss me, when I was hoping you would tell me you how much you loved me, all you said was ‘Thank you’.”

Xena stared at Ares, could she believe him? She wanted to so much. Then she looked again at the tears on his face and this more than anything proved his sincerity to her. She didn’t think the god of war was capable of tears, it shocked her to her very soul to find out that he was.

“Ares, the reason I asked you that question was because I needed to know how you really felt. I needed to know why you did what you did, I needed to understand. Now, I’ll answer your question and tell you why I’m here.” Xena looked down at her feet to compose her thoughts, then she looked up to see Ares staring at her. He had wiped the tears from his face, and he was staring at her with an intensity that made her heart beat faster. His gaze disturbed her, she couldn’t think, it rendered her speechless. She turned her face away from him so she could talk without breaking down, so she could talk without rushing into his arms.

“When I was one of your warlords, I thought I was happy. I thought I had everything I had ever wanted. We were together and I believed you when you said that we would conquer the world together. It’s what I thought I wanted to do with my life. I enjoyed fighting and killing in your name, with you at my side. Then one day I realized that I could not go on like this forever. When my son Solan was born, I knew that I did not want him raised to this kind of life, so I gave him to someone who could raise him the way I could not, someone who would raise him with love and keep him safe from harm.

“With the influence of different people in my life, Hercules, Gabrielle and others, I discovered that there could be more to my life than war and violence, killing and dying. The brief glimpse of what I could be inspired me to try for more and more, it was addictive, but in a good way. It was difficult at first and I was more tempted than you’ll ever know to come back to you. I hated that darkness in my soul, but I later came to understand that no matter what I did, it would always be part of me. You did some terrible, horrible things to me to try to lure me back to you, and you almost succeeded several times. But no matter how much I thought I hated you, my soul always felt a pull, a connection, to you. For a very long time I fought that pull because I thought it was the darkness in my soul being pulled to the darkness in you, but now I know that it was more then that.”

Ares stood up and started to come down the steps to her. “What are you trying to say, Xena?” he said.

She held up her hand to stop him from getting any closer. She knew she wouldn’t be able to concentrate with him near. She wouldn’t be able to restrain herself. She wouldn’t be able to keep herself from giving in to her feelings.

Finally she said, “Be quiet and let me finish Ares. What I have to say is difficult enough without you interrupting me.”

Xena stood and walked over to the table where a pitcher and a goblet stood. She checked the pitcher and saw it contained wine. She poured some into the goblet and took a sip to calm her nerves. When she turned around she saw that Ares was standing right behind her. She had been so caught up in her thoughts that she had never heard him approach. What was wrong with her? She never allowed things like that to happen. If he had wanted to hurt her he could have done so, easily. She stared into his beautiful, dark, expressive eyes and a shiver ran up her spine. As if reading her thoughts, he whispered, “I would never hurt you.” He reached up and touched her face. He ran his hand down her cheek and his touch was so light and gentle that it raised goosebumps on her arms. She knew that given half a chance, she could easily drown in those eyes. She could smell his strong clean male scent and it was distracting her, she was coming close to losing her train of thought. She started to panic, she needed to get away, needed to think. She stepped away from him and walked to the other side of the table and sat down in one of the chairs facing him.

“Go away and let me finish, Ares.”

He frowned, and she could tell that he didn’t want to leave her side. She could see the desire clearly in his eyes, and it made her heart flutter and her stomach felt like it was tied up in knots. Finally he nodded and went back to his throne and sat down, prepared to hear the rest of her story.

“I convinced myself that I hated you and I truly believed it. You never gave me any indication that you cared for me as anything more than just someone whom you wanted to slaughter and destroy for you. I couldn’t let myself be drug back down into that life again, I fought too hard to pull myself out. You brought out the worst part of me and I was afraid. But I know that that darkness is a part of me and to be who I am I needed to embrace it and balance it with the light. Since I couldn’t get rid of it, I needed to accept it.

“Lately I’ve seen a side of you that I didn’t know and couldn’t have imagined, existed. It confused me. I never truly believed that the god of war was capable of any kind of non-violent emotion. When you wanted me to be with you and have your child, I was oh so tempted, especially as it meant the life of my daughter. But you used my love for my daughter to try to coerce me and I couldn’t allow myself to give in to you, to be with you under those circumstances, no matter how much I wanted to. Your offer surprised me, but it also made me angry, and I hated you for it, although I couldn’t fully understand why.

“I underestimated you Ares. I never anticipated you doing what you did when you thought Gabrielle and I were dead. The Essence of Death would have worn off in a few hours and we would have hidden from the gods with Eve, and we would have been safe. More importantly, I would have been with my daughter, to raise her the way she should have been raised, with love and compassion. Instead we woke up in an ice cave. When we descended the mountain we discovered that not only had we had lost twenty-five years of our lives, but my daughter was all grown up. She had become the kind of person that I was once, the kind of person that I never wanted her to be. You stole my daughter’s life from me, and I couldn’t forgive you for it. Not only did I hate you for what you did, but I couldn’t understand why, until now.”

Xena took another sip of her wine and wiped away the tears that were forming in her eyes and starting to run down her face. Ares was still watching her, but thankfully he kept quiet. He was trying so hard to abide by her wishes, when she could tell that he wanted to do anything but. She could tell that he wanted to come to her, to hold her. The intensity of his gaze when he looked at her was doing funny things to her stomach, but she couldn’t give in, not yet. She still had too many things she wanted, needed to say. She needed him to know how she felt, how much he had hurt her in the past.

“When I saw you with my daughter I wanted to kill you. I hated the thought that you were corrupting her the way you corrupted me. When I saw you kiss her, I saw red. I didn’t want you anywhere near her, I didn’t want her to be like I was. When she wouldn’t acknowledge me as her mother, when she said she hated me, I knew it was your fault, your influence on her. When I told you that you sickened me, I actually had myself believing it. I blamed you for taking me away from my daughter, but I didn’t know that you had only done it out of ignorance, never realizing that we were not truly dead. I didn’t know you had done it out of love. I couldn’t let myself imagine, no hope that you had somehow changed. After all the god of war cannot change, his personality is defined by his office that’s why you were so good at what you did.

“When Aphrodite brought us to Mt. Olympus I was desperate. Eve and Gabrielle were dying and I didn’t know what else to do. I was willing to sacrifice my life and my ability to kill the gods, if only Athena would spare their lives. I knew she wouldn’t listen and that she would probably kill me, but I had to try, it was my last chance and my only hope. When you stopped me in the hall and were so mocking and confident that I was incapable of hurting you that I had to prove you were wrong. I almost laughed at the look on your face; you were so surprised. But I couldn’t let you know that you were right, I couldn’t let you know that although I might be able to hurt you, I could never kill you. The knowledge would have given you too much power over me. And then you sacrificed your immortality to save their lives. I was shocked, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t react. The only thing I could think to say to you was ‘Thank you’. But I knew it wasn’t enough. What I really wanted to do was hold you and kiss you and let you how much I loved you. But one thought kept running through my mind, why? Why did you do it? I didn’t know what your motives were, what you wanted from me. I couldn’t think at all. I only knew that I needed time to be alone and away from there and I knew that I needed to get Eve and Gabrielle away to safety as quickly as possible, before any of the other gods returned.

“Later when we were finally safe, the three of us spent a lot of time together, catching up on Eve’s life over the last twenty-five years. We shed a lot of tears, and begged forgiveness for all the wrongs we inflicted, real or imagined. But always in the back of my mind was the memory of you and what you gave up for me. At night I dreamed of you. Everywhere in my dreams you lurked, like a shadow just barely out of sight. Everything I did, everywhere I went, you were there, and I could feel you. I couldn’t get rid of you, I couldn’t stop thinking about you and it scared me. At first I thought that I was afraid of you, then I realized that I was afraid of myself and the way I felt about you. That realization made me take a long look into the darkness of my soul and I didn’t like what I saw there. I discovered that I didn’t hate you for corrupting my daughter, for in the end it only served to bring us closer together. I also realized that when I saw you kissing her it wasn’t hatred I felt, it was jealousy. How dare you kiss her, when all I wanted was for you to kiss me.”

Xena got up out of her chair and slowly came around the table. She climbed up the steps until she drew even with Ares. During her whole speech he had not moved a muscle except to watch her. He was totally focused on her and everything she had to say, almost as if his life depended on it. Maybe it did, she knew hers did. She leaned over and said, “Thank you again for the life of my daughter and my best friend. This is for them.” And she kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Xena sat down on Ares’ lap and started running her fingers through his hair. He sighed and put his arms around her and drew her closer. He laid his head on her chest and rested it there for a brief time with his eyes closed. Xena continued to touch his face, his lips, his eyes. She couldn’t get enough. She couldn’t believe she had been granted the incredible luxury of touching him, she never wanted to stop. When he lifted his head to look at her, she stared into his deep brown eyes. She saw such a look of love and longing there; that she almost couldn’t believe that this was really the Ares that she had known for so long. “And this,” she whispered, “This is for me.” And she leaned over and captured his lips in a very long, very passionate kiss that he eagerly returned.

When they finally pulled back to get their breath, Xena smiled and said, “I never could resist a bad boy.”

Ares laughed and said, “I never could resist you. I love you, my warrior princess.”

“And I love you my god of war.”

They spent some time just holding each other. Neither one could believe how fortunate they were to finally realize how much they loved one another. Finally Xena stood and offered Ares her hand. She pulled him from his seat and led him down the stairs towards the rooms in the back of the temple. She opened the door of the room she had seen him come out of when she first came in the temple looking for him. There was a bed against one wall with a soft feather mattress on it. The silk sheets, pillows and blankets on the bed were rumpled and strewn across the foot of the bed and onto the floor. It looked as if the person who had used it last hadn’t had a very restful night. Next to the bed was a table with an empty pitcher that was tipped over with splotches of wine on the floor. There were shards of glass littering the floor at the foot of the bed. The walls had once contained several tapestries depicting the time when Xena was a warlord and she and Ares were in battle together. All of them had been ripped off the wall and were now just lying there. Finally she saw Ares sword on the floor against the wall. It looked as if he had thrown it, and had torn up the room in a rampage. It made her realize how truly upset he had been and how much he had given up for her.

She looked at him standing next to her and she reached up and stroked his beard. She loved his beard, the way he wore his hair, the earring in his ear, his totally irresistible grin, everything about him. She ran both hands down his arms feeling the muscles that lay just below the surface. She could feel his muscles bunch up and twitch at her touch, and she could see his hands clench into fists as if he was exerting tremendous control over himself. She continued to run her hands all over his body, touching him, feeling him, she couldn’t get enough. Finally she gripped the front of his vest and jerked it open ripping the fastenings off, unable to wait any longer. She ran her hands over his bare chest and shoulders and pulled his head close for a kiss.

He moaned her name and grabbed her, crushing her to his chest, kissing her, trying to get as close to her as possible. She understood the feeling, she wanted the same thing, but her weapons and their clothes were in the way. She pulled away from him and started removing her arsenal. She reached down and pulled a knife from each boot and tossed them on the floor. Next, she reached down to her belt and removed her chakram, and a couple of knives that she also had secreted there. When she removed the knife that rested between her breasts, Ares laughed and said, “You sure come prepared don’t you?”

Xena smiled and said, “Of course, always.” When she reached up to her back to remove her sword, he stopped her and whispered, “Here, let me.” He turned her around and unbuckled the sword in its scabbard from her back and placed it on the floor. Then he reached up and lifted her long dark hair from the back of her neck and kissed her in that sensitive spot at the base of her neck that he knew so well.

They had been together in the past, but always before it was a coupling based on lust and their shared desire for power and violence. It had never been a gentle meeting of their bodies with love, but instead a violent; passion filled act that did nothing to truly satisfy them. This time it would be different, this time they were in love.

He turned her around and ran his hands down her shoulders. First he removed her gauntlets and her shin guards. Then he unbuckled her armored outer garment from the clasps just above her breasts. He opened the rest of the fastenings and removed the heavy garment from her body and dropped it to the floor. He took a moment to just stop and stare at her standing there in just her shift and her boots.

“What are you thinking?” she said, looking into his eyes.

“I’m thinking how beautiful you are and how much I want you, how much I need you,” he whispered.

Xena reached up and eased his vest back from his shoulders and let it drop on the floor next to her clothes. She ran her hands down his chest again admiring his firm muscled fitness.

He moaned again, calling her name, “Xena…” Finally he could stand it no longer. He reached down and scooped her up in his arms and carried her over to the bed. He gently placed her down and then reached down and picked her feet up in his hands, removing her boots one at a time. Before getting on the bed next to her, he reached down and removed his own boots. He moved her over on the bed and climbed up next to her. Without touching her at first, he leaned down and stared into her beautiful blue eyes. He leaned closer to her and kissed her lightly on the mouth. Then he kissed her all over her face, making little soft butterfly kisses that drove her to distraction and filled her with desire. She twined her arms about his neck and pulled him in for a long passionate kiss. When they finally pulled apart, Ares leaned back a little so he could reach up and pull the straps of her shift off her shoulders. He gently turned her to the side and reaching behind her he undid the back of her shift. He laid her back down and grasping the bottom hem of the garment slowly pulled it from her, exposing her beautiful body to eyes that were hungry for the sight of her.

Xena reached up, unbuckled his belt and slowly pulled it from the belt loops on his pants. She sat up pushing him back a little and reached for the clasp that held his pants closed. She unzipped them and slowly pulled them down off his hips and down his legs where they finally ended up on the floor. His need for her was evident and it served to inflame her desire even further. He was so beautiful to her, she couldn’t get enough of looking at him, but suddenly she wanted more. She wanted to be as close to him as possible, to show her love for him in the most obvious and time-honored fashion. She lay back on the bed pulling him down with her.

Ares started to gently run his hands all over her body, touching her and stroking her in the ways he knew she liked best. She moaned his name, “Ares…” When she could finally stand it no longer, she opened her arms to him, inviting him to come to her. She wanted him, needed him at that moment more than she had ever needed anything before. He accepted her unspoken invitation and together they were one, separate but forever part of each other.

rielle had once told Xena a story about how all people originally had one soul, four arms and four legs. Then one day the gods got jealous of their peaceful, serene lives and struck at them, rendering forever each body into two. Each of the new bodies had two arms and two legs, but only half a soul. Now everyone wanders the world looking for that perfect person, that other half of themselves. Most people never find it because they truly don’t understand what they are looking for, or even that they are looking. They only know that something is missing, but not what that something is. But Xena knew that she had found the other half of her soul, she had found it in Ares.

Afterward they lay in each other’s arms, tired, but for the first time, truly fulfilled. Xena at last felt like she was were she truly belonged.

...h.o.m.e...
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