Hands In Bad Places

It was a hot evening in ancient Greece. Xena and Gabrielle were weary from a long day of breaking up wars, saving innocent villagers from criminals, and fighting evil in general. They had just sat down to eat, when Ares popped in.

"Xena, Gabrielle -- You have to come with me."

"Yeah, right Ares," commented Gabrielle.

"No, you don't understand -- It's--" It was too late. A golden light shimmered and Aphrodite appeared beside Ares.

"Alright, time to go," she told the warrior and bard.

"Go where?" asked Xena dangerously.

"Olympus, of course."

"I tried to warn you," Ares said and vanished helplessly. Aphrodite snapped her fingers, eyes twinkling and they all disappeared in a golden shimmer.

The three of them reappeared, as quickly as they had disappeared, in Olympus. Around them were many people bustling about, some with clipboards, others with hangers of gaudy, bright-colored clothing.

In a corner, four women spotted them, ran over and began powdering their faces and fooling with their hair.

"Aphrodite, what is this?" demanded Xena, shoving the makeup people away.

"Oh, just a little friendly competition between some Gods and some mortals." Both Aphrodite and Gabby seemed to be enjoying the pampering they were receiving.

"WHAT?"

"You, me," here she squished herself in a full-body hug "Athena, Ares, Zeus, Hera, Cupid, Autolycus, Herc, Iolaus and skank-girl Discord. Like she stands a chance!"

"Skank-girl?" asked Gabrielle.

"Discord."

"No, WHAT is this?" demanded Xena, getting impatient.

"A beauty pageant, silly!" she crinkled her nose in delight.

"Skank-girl?" Gabrielle asked again. Xena ignored her.

"A beauty pageant? You expect me to be in your beauty pageant?!"

"Come on! It'll be fun!" Aphrodite said cheerfully. Xena looked at Gabrielle for support. But to her surprise, Gabrielle said,

"Sounds like fun!"

"GABRIELLE!" Gabrielle cringed helplessly at the warrior, clinging to her staff like a life-raft.

"Great!" Aphrodite exclaimed, ignoring Xena and proceeding to explain the rules.

"There are three categories; swimwear, evening wear, and leather, as well as the skills section."

"I have many skills," commented Xena.

"There's an entire section devoted to leather?" Gabrielle made an 'ick' face as she nearly spat the last word.

"It was the only way Ares would participate." Xena raised an eyebrow.

"Good taste," she commented almost absently. The other two looked at her strangely.

"Anyway," Aphrodite continued, as she slung her arms over their shoulders and walked them to a small table with papers stacked on it. "Where were we? Oh yes. The rules. There are THREE simple rules. Number one: Nothing TOO sexy, there are children out there, people! Number two: If any harm comes to any of the other contestants and/or judges, you're out! OK? Let's keep it clean here!" Aphrodite stood with her hands on her hips. She looked from one woman to the next. They looked at her expectantly.

"What?" she asked.

"That was only two rules," Gabrielle said.

"Oh. Of course it was only two! What, do you think I can't count? The third rule is...ah...um... Have fun! That's it! Have fun!" Ares appeared beside Aphrodite.

"No, sis, the third rule is 'no using other contestants in the skills section.'" Ares looked puppy-like at Xena. "Sorry Xena, looks like I won't get to demonstrate my infamous seduction skills on you."

"Oh, what a pity."

"Yes you can!" exclaimed Aphrodite. "Duh! He's in the men's section, you're in the women's." Ares and Xena glanced at each other, a cool, sexy glaze lined their gaze, before Xena broke it by exclaiming

"If he gets to demonstrate seduction, I get to demonstrate pressure points on him."

"Oh, and what points would those be, Xena?" Ares asked smoothly. Xena smiled cunningly at him, and Gabrielle ran off to be sick.

.*.*.*-------*.*.*.

The next morning was the morning of the men's swimwear competition. The judges (who were also the women competitors) were lined up in front of the stage, in big giant happy dancing blob chairs. (Which strangely resembled pink and green beanbag chairs.) A crowd of people were seated behind them. Salemoneus stepped out onto the stage wearing a sequined, white disco suit.

"Ladies! Do we have a show for you!" he exclaimed. From behind the warrior and bard shrill cheers could be heard. Xena looked around skeptically.

"Presenting our first contestant, the King of Mount Olympus, Zeus himself!"

"How much are you paying Salemoneus to do this?" whispered Gabrielle to Aphrodite. Just then, Zeus materialized on the stage wearing an orange thong.

"And," Salemoneus grimaced, but quickly covered it with a smile "He has chosen an -- original -- swimsuit indeed." Zeus pranced up and down the catwalk, his silver hair flowing behind him. From the audience, the sound of at least one person vomiting could be heard. Surprisingly, there were also a few cheers of "Take it off!" and "Shake that money-maker!" as well.

"OK!" Sal was on the verge of vomiting himself, but smiled despite it. Xena bit her lip and tried very hard to restrain the urge to smack Zeus silly. Beside her, Gabrielle shifted uncomfortably.

"Let's say goodbye to Zeus," Zeus vanished to the relief of some and the disappointment of others, "for now," Sal continued "And bring out contestant number two -- The SON of Zeus, HERCULES!!"

Loud music began to play, and the crowd went wild. The curtains parted, and there stood Hercules, in bright blue, flowered swimming trunks. He had an open, matching Hawaiian T-shirt, and was carrying a surfboard under his left arm.

He strutted down the catwalk and paused in front of Xena and Gabrielle. He put on a sexy grin, pointed at them, and winked.

The two women stared in horror as Hercules walked away, showing off his crazy antics to the rest of the crowd.

And Xena and Gabrielle still stared. Aphrodite however, was getting into it.

"Isn't this great?!" she shouted to them over the music and cheering. They still stared. Turning back to the stage, Aphrodite cheered, "Whoo! Shake that booty, brother, yeah!!"

Hercules left the stage, and Salemoneus stepped back up.

"Now there's a guy who really knows how to swing it!" he cried to the roaring crowd. "Our next contestant is, the one, the only, the King of Thieves himself....Autolycussss!!" Autolycus swaggered onto the stage in a wet T-shirt that plastered itself to his figure with a pair of knee-length, dark green swim trunks that contrasted the white of the T-shirt. Aphrodite gave a rather large catcall which caused Autolycus to exclaim over the excessively loud cheering of other women,

"Ladies, ladies, one at a time!" He stroked his moustache with his fingers and did a 'point-click' at Discord, who responded with a

"ROWR!" and a clawing movement. Xena was used to this behavior with Autolycus, so she practically ignored him as he swayed his way off the catwalk, giving a final wink to Discord. Aphrodite grumped that he didn't even glance at her.

"The king of thieves! He'll certainly be stealing a lot of hearts!" Sal exclaimed. "But that's enough mortals for now -- Presenting contestant number four, the God of L-O-V-E, CUPID!!"

Cupid came out on stage dressed in plain white swimming trunks. Although the attire was quite simple, Cupid's bronzed, hard, muscled body against the bright white was enough to make most women swoon.

As he walked casually up the catwalk, Aphrodite cried,

"That's my boy! Show 'em what you got!"

Cupid walked to the front of the stage, smiled and walked back, swinging his butt sexily.

All the women in the room sighed with lust, and the next contestant was called.

"Now here's a sidekick who really knows how to... kick the sides...?" Iolaus glared at Salemoneus as he peeked out from behind the curtain.

"Sorry," Sal said. "I don't write this stuff."

Iolaus strutted out in plain black shorts with a navy vest. He looked a little nervous -- almost like he didn't want to be there -- Until Gabrielle jumped up on her chair, gave a wolf-whistle and began chanting.

"Go Iolaus! Go Iolaus!" Then he got up his courage and pelvic-thrusted his way across the catwalk. Xena watched the display with pity and horror, but everyone else seemed to love it. Aphrodite was wildly calling things like "Whoo-hoo! Yeah Curly, that's the way to do it!" while Gabrielle continued her little chant, practically fainting when he back-flipped, landed in front of her, and thrusted right in her face. He did a gymnastics routine off the stage, and Sal stepped back out.

"That was a... lovely performance by the well-dressed Iolaus. And now, our last contestant this morning -- Ares, God of WAR!!" Xena grinned enthusiastically as Ares' telltale blue-white light flashed to reveal him in a pair of short, black leather swim trunks with silvery studs across the belt-line. His upper body was bare, minus the gauntlets on his forearms. In his right hand, he held his sword, in a battle-ready pose.

Suddenly, using the sword, Ares cut off his black trunks. They fell to the floor, and the crowd gasped.

Underneath the shorts, was a beige loincloth with black lettering on it.

Xena sat with her mouth open in horror to what she was seeing. The black lettering on the loincloth was distinctly in Xena's handwriting:

XENA WAZ HERE.

Ares grinned wickedly at her.

"ARES!!" she screamed as he disappeared again.

"Well, that was ... interesting..." Salemoneus said. "If the judges would please hand in their evaluation forms to me..."

But Xena wasn't listening.

"I'll be in my room," she growled to Gabrielle, and stomped off.

"Hey!" Aphrodite said. "She didn't fill out Ares' score!"

"That's ok," Gabrielle said. "I think I know what she'd give him." On the paper, by Ares' name she wrote a big fat 0. Xena turned around, snatched the paper from Gabrielle, looked at what she wrote, glared at her, put a one in front of the zero, gave the slip to Sal and left again. Sal took one look at the slip and prayed he would never know what happened between those two.

"Men!" he announced getting back into character "This afternoon it's your turn!! --The women's swimwear competition!" Gabrielle hit him with her staff.

"Don't remind me."

.*.*.*-------*.*.*.

The afternoon came quickly.

Too quickly, Gabrielle thought.

Aphrodite hustled all the women backstage for hair and makeup.

No one had really talked to each other after the whole Ares incident, and it was very silent backstage, except for the bustle of makeup artists and the occasional comment from one of them.

Even Aphrodite was calm.

But it didn't last for long. As soon as it was time to go on stage, she was back to being her old self again.

"Alright!" she said, clipboard in hand. "First it's Athena, followed by Hera, then Xena, then skank-girl, I mean Discord, then Gabrielle, then me! Alright girls! Smiles! Athena, check your hair there, sweetie. OK! We're ready! Let's go!"

She stuck her head out the curtain and gave a nod to Salemoneus, who immediately started.

"Hello folks!" he said to the audience. "We're back here for the women's swimwear competition! Our first contestant is the wise, the beautiful, Athena!!"

Athena materialized on the catwalk beside Salemoneus, a white, translucent toga draped over a golden swimsuit that covered her torso. In her left hand, she held her favored golden spear. She lifted the spear and began twirling it about her while moving with a warrior's rhythm to music that appeared from nowhere. As the drums hit their final pulse, she slammed the spearhead into the ground and raised her gold-clad leg high above her head, resting it on the spear, before vanishing as she came. Sal was staring longingly at the spot where she had been. He wasn't about to tell anyone, but he found Athena verrrry attractive.

"Uhhhhhh...." he oggled from his place on the stage. Finally, he stopped drooling and composed himself.

"Let's put our hands together for the magnificent Athena!" The crowd whistled and cheered. So did Sal.

"Now -- Let's bring out HERA! The Queen of the Gods!!" Soft lyre music began playing and Hera stepped out in... fig leaves. Three larger ones covering her groin, and two smaller ones covering each of her breasts. And not much else. Hera pranced out onto the catwalk, and 'bounced' along towards the judges.

Hercules and most of the judges averted their eyes, save for Zeus and Iolaus. Iolaus tried really hard to, but ended up staring in a kind of horrified fascination. He had no problems with this when Hera finally turned around and skipped off the stage. (She didn't have anything covering her... 'backside')

"Well," said Salemoneus, as he stepped out onto the stage. "That was a lovely display by Hera... Who woulda thought fig leaves could be so useful?! At any rate, next up is the beautiful Warrior Princess, everyone give it up for Xenaaaaa!!!" The croed cheered loudly for a while. When they finished, a sexy flowing music came on.

"A golden arm was seen through the closed curtains, followed by a gold leg, and finally Xena danced on stage.

She was covered, head to toe in gold body paint. A golden bikini bottom blended in perfectly with the paint.

Ares stared dumbfounded.

Xena's hair covered her bosom, and Ares couldn't be sure whether she was wearing anything at all.

The only thing that was heard in the Mount-Olympus-Beauty-Pageant-Hall was the sexy music and several panting men.

Suddenly, from backstage, a crashing sound was heard, and then the sound of angry voices.

"ATHENAA-AA!!" Aphrodite whined incredibly loudly.

"BITCH!" shrieked Athena. Xena and the judges ran backstage. Sal remained on the stage and tried to keep the crowd calm.

"So..." he began. "Did ya hear the one about the bard?" The crowd booed loudly.

Xena and crew arrived backstage. Athena was tearing at Aphrodite's hair and Aphrodite was shrieking loudly.

"Isn't that your job?" Iolaus mumbled to a grinning Discord. Finally, someone, Xena to be exact, got some sense and decided to break up the fight. She tried unsuccessfully to tear the Goddesses apart. The three tumbled in a heap through the curtains and onto the stage. The male portion of the crowd stopped booing Sal and began cheering. Finally, Ares stepped in and restrained Dite while Xena held Athena back.

"What is going on?!?" demanded Hercules.

"That bitch called me a slut!" spat Athena, struggling in Xena's grasp. The crowd continued to cheer.

"Did not!" shrieked Dite.

"Silence! Both of You!" ordered Zeus. "Control yourselves! And let's get on with the show, alright?" Xena and Ares released their respective Goddesses, who scowled, but didn't pull anything. Ares sauntered casually over to Xena, one hand on the hilt of his sword.

"So..." he brushed back her hair, staring intently into the eyes of his literally glittering warrioress.

"I'd like to see the end of your act."

Xena raised an eyebrow at him in a most Xena-like fashion. Then a cruel smile spread over her lips. She slowly leaned her face close to him, and whispered in his ear.

"My room. After the competition."

Xena turned and walked away.

Ares stood for a moment, not believing what he had just heard. Finally, he smiled, turned, and walked back to his seat happily.

Salemoneus again walked up to the podium.

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, back to the show!" He glanced down to the piece of paper in front of him that listed all the contestants.

"Our next contestant," he continued "Is..."

He looked down at the paper.

Looked up.

Looked down again.

Finally he looked up again.

He looked confused.

"...Skank-girl?"

Aphrodite stuck her head out of the curtains.

"Discord!" she whispered.

"Oh! Oh yes! Discorrrrrrrd!!"

The crowd cheered and Aphrodite glared at them. Discord stepped out in a black one-piece with an obsidian necklace at her collarbone. She stalked over to Salemoneus and hoisted him up threateningly by his wide, sequined collar. The crowd cheered. Discord smiled at them, then turned her attention back to Salemoneus.

"Call me 'skank-girl' again, and your head will be mounted on my rec-room wall." Sal gulped and swallowed hard. He nodded. Discord smiled sweetly and dropped him. She then walked up and down the catwalk, one hand at her hip. She vanished walking back, swaying her hips to the audience. Sal was still quivering with fright. He had no doubt that Discord would follow through on her promise.

"W--wasn't that a great show by ska--DISCORD!" he corrected hastily. "Now, you've read her scrolls, but it's time to meet her up close and personal -- Gabrielle, Bard of Potieda!"

Everybody waited in anticipation, except for Ares who was still drooling over Xena's performance.

"Gabrielle?" There was no response. Gabrielle poked her head out from behind a curtain.

"I think I have stage fright," she said. Xena's voice was then heard saying;

"Get out there, you big sissy!" and Gabrielle was kicked onto the stage.

She was wearing a VERY skimpy green bikini. At first, she stood and looked in horror at the large crowd in front of her.

'Now I know how Iolaus felt,' she thought. As if he could hear her thoughts, Iolaus stood on his big giant happy dancing blob chair and let out the loudest wolf-whistle she had ever heard.

The crowd was deathly quiet. But Iolaus kept it up.

"Go Gabby, go!" he shouted.

The crowd began to cheer.

Gabrielle took a deep breath, summoned her courage and walked as sexily as she could in those heels, down the catwalk. She winked at Iolaus who winked back, and she wiggled her butt, pausing to blow the crowd a kiss before she walked through the curtains.

"Wow! What a girl!" Salemoneus said cheerfully. "Our next contestant is the one, the only. Goddess of LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE, Aphrodite!!"

Aphrodite appeared with a flowered pink wrap at her waist, and a pink bikini top in her trademarked golden shimmer. Half the crowd cheered wildly. The other half booed. Aphrodite put her hands on her hips and glared angrily at the crowd.

"Ex-squeeze me?" she demanded. Many people looked around nervously. Finally, one of the stupider audience members explained.

"Discord said she'd buy us all a drink if we booed." The whole crowd began to boo.

"Discord!" yelled Aphrodite. Discord materialized beside the blonde Goddess and waved cheerily to the audience who continued to boo.

"You're asking for it!" shrieked Dite and charged Discord with an energy ball. Discord retaliated. Soon energy balls were flying left and right. Finally, Aphrodite ran behind Ares in protection from Discord's onslaught.

"ARES!" she exclaimed. "You saw what she did! Hurt her or something!!" Ares snapped out of the trance he had been in since Xena's little comment.

"What? Huh? Oh." Ares formed a huge energy ball and hurled it at Discord, sending her crashing into a wall.

"Ow! Ares!!"

"ENOUGH!" yelled Zeus, ending the second catfight of the evening. Sal slowly staggered up on the stage, having had the unfortunate luck of being hit by an energy ball.

"Well," he said slowly, as charred pieces of his disco suit fell to the ground, "That's it, I guess..."

All of the contestants and judges left. Ares waited several minutes after the crowd has dispersed, namely so that no bumbling half-brothers or annoying blondes, or cheezed off fathers got in his way. Finally, when he was sure the coast was clear, he disappeared in his white-blue light, reappearing in Xena's room less than a second later.

But to his surprise, he found no Xena. Instead, there stood a very angry looking, very annoyed, very naked Gabrielle.

The blonde blushed and attempted to cover herself up. Ares quickly disappeared, slightly embarrassed, thought for a moment, appeared back in the room, looked her over and said evilly, "Not bad!"

Gabrielle glared menacingly at the God.

"What do you want, Ares?!"

"I think you know." Gabrielle rolled her eyes.

"She's taking a walk with Hercules," she replied. Ares stood for a moment, staring at the naked Gabrielle.

"Ares, LEAVE!!!" she shouted.

He did. He shuddered. The God of War never shuddered. But that had been... Disturbing. If he didn't enjoy the satisfaction of angering the irritating blonde so much, he probably would have shrieked like a woman and fled for his life. He materialized in Olympus's main hall where Xena and Hercules were walking.

"Hello Ares," said Xena.

"Ares..." hissed Hercules.

"Hello Xena," said Ares, ignoring his half-brother.

"You told me to meet you in your room after the competition." Xena licked her lips.

"So I did." Hercules seemed to have developed a nervous twitch in his eye, but he recovered quickly.

"So Xena, shunning the god of war? Good call." The eye twitch seemed to shift to Ares.

"So, is this some kind of mutal eye-twitching brotherhood thing?" she asked sarcastically.

Both brother's eyes twitched.

Xena's eye began to twitch.

"Hey!" she yelled. It stopped.

She looked at Herc.

"Could we have a moment?"

Hercules glared at the God and left. Xena turned to make sure he left. Turning back to Ares, she said "Now Ares--" but was cut off by a passionate and unexpected kiss. It took Xena less than a second to realize what was going on, and she began to return the kiss. Ares smiled inwardly. He didn't know what he had expected, but it wasn't this. He happily deepened the kiss, but at that moment, Xena pulled away. She arched an eyebrow, her face emotionless.

"Xena?" asked Ares.

"Yessss?" she purred. Ares raised his eyebrow.

"Not that I'm complaining, but... What was that?"

"Nothing," Xena replied, a creul smile playing at her lips. His arched eyebrow lifted higher.

"Nothing?" he asked, almost unable to speak the words. "You call that nothing?" Xena tilted her head at him.

"Oh, you know that's nothing compared to what I can do." Ares looked down at her, shocked. But he regained his composure and grinned devilishly at her.

"Ready for the leather portion tomorrow?" she asked.

Ares merely smirked in response and disappeared.

"Gods," Xena elated, shaking her head.

***

"Ladies and Gentlemen!" announced Salemoneus, now dressed in a tacky plaid sport-coat. (With tacky plaid sequins along the lapels)

"Welcome to day two of the Mount Olympus beauty pageant!" As the rest of the crowd cheered its appreciation, Xena kicked her legs up on the side of the stage and leaned back in her chair.

"Let's give a warm welcome back to Zeus!!" yelled Sal, scurrying off the stage. The entire pageant-hall plunged into darkness, silencing everyone. Suddenly, the sound of a whip cracking echoed through the room, and a single beam of light shot down the catwalk, illuminating Zeus. He wore a pair of tight black leather pants, with matching boots. In his hand, a limp whip brushed against the floor. In a flourish of movements, he began to twirl, spinning and cracking the whip about him. When he reached the spot on the catwalk that was directly in front of the judges, he looked down on Xena's feet, which rested on the catwalk, disapprovingly. He raised the whip and brought it down, expecting to snap Xena's feet away. But instead, Xena caught the tip of the whip between her ankles.

"YEEEEAH!" she yelled, yanking the whip forward, and sending Zeus, who was still gripping it, flying into the audience. Several calls and screeches of "He's mine!" were heard from the direction in which he landed. Xena smirked as Zeus tried to pry himself away from the catty women. A blue-whit light flashed beside Xena, revealing Ares, who doubled over in laughter.

"Hey dad!" he yelled. "Having fun??"

"Ares, you egotisical cur!" he yelled, trying to appear menacing, but failing, as he was being restrained by at least five separate women. Ares just laughed. Xena looked Ares up and down. He had appeared completely naked, except for a black towel around his waist and another in his hand. Still chucking, Ares brought the towel in his hand to his head and began to muss his hair about, drying it as he did so.

"Where's your leather, Ares?" asked Xena coyly. Ares smirked at her.

"Now I can't show you before I compete. It would give me an unfair advantage." Xena smiled seductively and stepped closer.

"Oh, I'd say that's already been achieved," she purred, stepping closer still. Xena trailed a finger down his chest, then looked up at him, a dangerous twinkle in her eyes. Ares knew that gleam well. It was the look she got when she wanted revenge. Ares tried to pull away, but it was too late. Xena tore the towel off his waist, flipping backwards. Ares was startled at first, and the crowd fell into silence, except for Zeus's frantic yells.

"Get off! Get off! Hera will KILL me! Hera will kill YOU!" But when he realized that no one else was talking, he silenced as well.

"Don't mess with me, Ares." said Xena, holding the towel tauntingly. Ares put his hands on his hips and looked at Xena, an amused expression on his face.

"If you wanted me naked Xena, all you had to do was ask," he grinned and then vanished. Xena smiled slightly, still holding the towel. Ares reappeared behind her.

"Excuse me," he said, taking the towel from Xena before vanishing again. The beauty pageant hall was utterly silent, everyone except Xena sitting like stunned bunnies.

Then everyone started talking at once. Zeus resumed his struggle to free himself, before he remembered he could just vanish into thin air, and did just that.

"ACK!" yelled Gabrielle, burying her head in the happy dancing blob chair, trying to remove the image from her brain. Discord laughed evilly. Athena made gagging noises and made her way over to Xena.

"Why--Why did you do that?!?" she demanded. "He's my brother! I did not need to see that! I did not *want* to see that!! WHY? Why did you do it??"

"I didn't want to have to ask," Xena replied coolly. Hercules' head poked out of the curtains.

"Sal, I don't know what the hold up is, but I'd like my turn TODAY!"

"Right!" Sal agreed, and stepped back up on stage.

"Now that Zeus has left, it's time to bring out our next contestant, ...HERCULES!!!"