The character of "Lucy Lawless" as portrayed here is in no way intended as a realistic depiction of, or reflection on, the real Lucy Lawless, star of Xena: Warrior Princess. For the purposes of this piece, I would assume a slightly alternate modern-day reality in which Lucy Lawless is a single woman with no children.
Rating: PG-13.
Sex: some sexual references and humor; one non-explicit sexual situation.
Same-sex subtext: a little, in a humorous way.
Violence: not really.
This is a comedy (and partly parody) piece in which the relationship between Xena and Ares is not presented in nearly as romantic a light as in my other fanfics/screenplays. It also contains some fairly dark humor. You've been warned!
Her Biggest Fan
By LadyKate
A Different Kind of Uber
At a hotel in Chicago, sometime after the Xena: Warrior Princess series finale, a Xena conference is in full swing. Fans sporting Xena T-Shirts, caps, swords, chakram pendants, and other paraphernalia from the show are milling about, chattering excitedly. At a table, Lucy Lawless is signing autographs as dozens of fans stand in line.
WOMAN IN LINE (wearing a Xena and Gabrielle T-shirt): And the panel with Lucy and Kevin is coming up at six! I can't wait.
YOUNG WOMAN AT THE HEAD OF THE LINE (hands Lucy a photo for an autograph): Oh, Ms. Lawless, I just wanted to tell you -- the show has meant sooo much to me! It's done sooo much to empower all women!
LUCY: Oh, thank you. Thank you. That's always such a pleasure to hear.
YOUNG WOMAN: Could you please sign this to Emma Peale?
Lucy signs the photo, the young woman walks away, and the next fan in the line comes up. He is a tall, brown-haired, handsome man in a leather jacket, with an Ares pendant around his neck. There is a vaguely familiar look about him. He holds out a photo for Lucy to sign.
MAN: Ms. Lawless. It is such a delight to meet you. You know, I've been your biggest fan for years -- I mean, years.
LUCY (smiles): Thank you, that is so sweet of you.
MAN: I've seen every episode dozens of times. And you know, my favorite ones --
LUCY (getting slightly impatient): Who shall I sign this to?
MAN: Uh -- Alex Mars, please.
Lucy signs the photo and he picks it up.
ALEX (reads the inscription): "To Alex Mars, with fondest wishes." Do you mean that?
WOMAN (behind him): You're not the only one here, pal! Move it!
ALEX (grumbling): All right, all right... (walks away)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
Somewhat later in the lobby of the hotel, Lucy is walking toward the elevator when Alex approaches her, carrying a large bouquet of red roses.
ALEX: Ms. Lawless? It's me, remember -- Alex Mars? Your biggest fan? I just wanted to give you these ... as a token of my admiration ... (hands her the roses)
LUCY: Well, you really don't have to...
ALEX: Of course I don't have to. I want to. Please. (Holds out the flowers)
LUCY (reluctantly takes the bouquet): Well -- thank you.
ALEX: You know, I can't tell you how much you mean to me.
LUCY (a little nervously): Yes, thanks again. And now --
A security guard starts walking toward them.
ALEX: Say -- would you have a drink with me?
LUCY: I'm afraid that isn't possible. If you'll excuse me -- (starts walking toward the elevator)
ALEX (takes her arm): Can't we have just a little chat? I have something really important I want to tell you...
LUCY: Will you let go!
SECURITY GUARD (grabs him): What do you think you're doing, mister?
Alex pushes him away as a concierge nearby talks urgently into a walkie-talkie. Lucy shoves the roses back at Alex and dashes inside the elevator. The doors close.
ALEX (to himself): Well, that wasn't exactly a smashing success.
As he starts to walk away, he is seized by two policemen.
COP #1: Hold it right there. You're under arrest.
With a rather bored, "let's get this over with" look on his face, Alex lets them put handcuffs on him and march him to the lobby doors, under the curious stares of convention attendees and other hotel guests.
COP #2: Who do you think you are, bud? Ever hear the word "stalking"?
ALEX (sarcastically): Now why does everyone keep asking me that?
COP #2: A smartass, huh? OK, you can do your comedy routine at the precinct. Come along.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside the squad car, Alex is sitting in the back, handcuffed.
COP #2 (with a Dunkin Donuts coffee cup in his hand): I bet you seen every episode of that dumb-ass show a dozen times, am I right or am I right?
ALEX: You don't know the half of it, officer. Sometimes I literally feel like I'm in it myself.
COP #1 (behind the wheel): Sheesh, you people. Let me tell ya -- worse than the freakin' Trekkies.
He is about to sip the coffee when, suddenly, everything freezes -- except for Alex, who shakes the broken handcuffs off his hands and morphs into Ares (still wearing the same clothes). He snaps his fingers at the door of the car, which instantly opens, and is about to climb out but then pauses, having obviously gotten an idea. Lifting his hand, he uses a surge of energy to cut through the protective shield that separates the back seat from the front and handcuffs Cop # 1 to the wheel, using his divine energy to weld the broken handcuffs back together. Then, he takes the coffee from Cop # 2, sips it, winces and throws the cup out the window.
ARES: Please. Cut down on the sugar. (Whispers confidentially into the policeman's ear): Oh, who do I think I am? You'd be so surprised. Hasta la vista, boys. (He laughs and vanishes as time is set back in motion.)
COP # 2 (looks back): Hey! Where'd that nutcase go?
COP #1: (tries to move his hands) What the hell is this?
COP # 2: Wait a minute, what happened to my coffee?
COP # 1: Screw the coffee! I'm handcuffed to the freakin' wheel! How'd that happen?
They stare at each other.
COP #2 (shakes his head): Ooookaaaay.... this one is definitely not going in the report.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Back at the hotel, Kevin Smith, dressed casually in a turtleneck and a blue denim suit, is seated on the bed talking on the telephone.
KEVIN: Wow, Lucy -- I hope you weren't too shaken up. (Pauses, listening) Still, it's a shame that they let it go so far. They ought to have better security at these things. (Pauses) Let's just hope the bloke doesn't get out and pay another visit tonight. (Pauses) Well, I'll see you soon down at the panel. Glad you're all right.
Just as he hangs up, there is a faint "whoosh" behind him.
KEVIN: What the -- ?
He's about to turn around when he is suddenly frozen in place. Ares is standing behind him.
ARES (walks around the bed to face Kevin, who remains in suspended animation): Sorry about that, friend. I appreciate the fine job you've done, but I'm afraid you're grounded for the evening. Look at it this way: you got to be me for six years, I'm gonna have to be you for -- oh, maybe six hours. Sounds like a fair deal.
He morphs into Kevin -- with clean-shaven face, longer hair, and different clothes -- and starts to walk toward the door, then catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and stops. He morphs back into his true form, briefly contemplates himself and grins with satisfaction, as if to say "I'm still better-looking." Then, he morphs back into Kevin and walks out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The hotel hallway outside the convention room, with excited fans milling about.
WOMAN #1: But don't you see, the message is that true love transcends gender, transcends the body, you know...
WOMAN #2: Puh-leeze. Love transcends the body? The male-female thing, OK, I get it. But suppose they met in a future life and one of them is in a body that looks like Lucy and the other in a body that looks like ... oh, Danny DeVito or something. Try and transcend that!
WOMAN #1: Don't you think that's kinda, uh, shallow?
WOMAN #2: So? It's still true.
A different group of fans.
WOMAN #3: Did you hear that some psycho tried to kill Lucy today?
MAN: Yeah, somebody told me they had a SWAT team out in the lobby.
WOMAN #2: Look! There's Kevin Smith!
WOMAN #1: I thought he'd be coming in through the back.
Ares as Kevin Smith walks through the hallways and is instantly mobbed by autograph-seeking fans.
MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN (to a friend, examining her autographed poster): Hey look, he signed it "Ares, God of War." How cute!
YOUNG WOMAN (in a body-hugging Ares T-shirt and visibly wearing no bra, hands Ares a black marker): Oh Mr. Smith! Mr. Smith! (giggling) Would you please sign my T-shirt for me?
ARES: Are you going to take it off first?
The young woman giggles even louder and thrusts out her chest.
ARES (aside): Hmmm, I could get used to this. (To the young woman) Okay, here you go.
While signing the T-shirt, he gets a little too familiar and the young woman squeals. People turn around.
YOUNG MAN (pushes his way through and hands Ares a poster): Mr. Smith! Love your work! Would you please sign this for me?
Ares is about to sign the poster when he takes a look at it. It's a poster for Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, dominated by a large still of Kevin Sorbo as Hercules and with small pictures of other characters from the show including Ares. Ares glowers at the young man, rips up the poster, throws the pieces at him and moves on.
ANOTHER FAN (shocked): Oh man! What was that all about?
YOUNG MAN (looks ruefully at the torn poster): Sheesh.... I'll tell ya one thing, I'll never again believe anything I read on fan forums. Oh yeah -- "Kevin Smith, he's just the nicest, sweetest, most polite man you'll ever meet..." Sure.
CONVENTION STAFFER (rushes toward Ares): Oh there you are, Mr. Smith. You should have come in through the back. Come on, we're all waiting for you on the panel. (Ushers Ares into the room)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Inside the conference room, Ares (as Kevin Smith), Lucy Lawless, and a writer from the show are seated at a long table in front of microphones.
WOMAN IN THE AUDIENCE: This is for all of you. Is Xena in love with Ares?
LUCY: Well, I think there's no question that she's drawn to --
ARES (interrupts): Sure she is!
LUCY (gives him a sharp look): Well, as I was trying to say -- she is drawn to him and they certainly have a connection -- but I wouldn't call it love.
ARES: Of course it's love! Isn't it obvious? Come on! She's just too pigheaded to admit it!
Lucy and the other panelist stare at him in shock. There is a murmur in the audience.
ANOTHER WOMAN IN THE AUDIENCE: Ms. Lawless, in some of the episodes of seasons five and six, Xena used sexual wiles to accomplish her goals. Do you think that's a bad message for young women? I mean, is that something Xena would do?
ARES: Oh, would she ever!
LUCY (seriously annoyed): I'm sorry, Kev, that was for me. (Aside to him) What is going on with you?
ARES (aside to her): Oh ... sorry... I guess I'm a little .... uh... jet-lagged.
LUCY (shakes her head): All right, to answer your question... we have certainly had episodes that pushed the edge sexually, like "Amphipolis Under Siege" (Ares glares at her, crumpling a sheet of paper in his hands) ... but I don't think we overdid it. I mean, Xena always remains this tough, independent, butt-kicking warrior, and occasionally she's forced into a situation where she has to use her sexuality but she's always a warrior first and foremost. Now, Evil Xena -- she certainly would have relished using her sexual wiles to get what she wanted from men. Good Xena, I think, only does it when she doesn't have any other choice.
Ares rolls his eyes with a sarcastic "Hmph."
MAN IN THE AUDIENCE: Mr. Smith, a question about Ares... a lot of people feel that his character was really mishandled ... I mean, he started out as this wonderful charismatic villain (Ares preens a little, smoothing his hair) and then he just becomes, like, a total jerk. What do you --
ARES (jumps to his feet and jabs a finger in the air, fuming): Look, pal. Who're you calling a jerk? Huh?
MAN (disconcerted): I ... I'm just talking about the character of Ares on the show --
ARES: Have a little respect, okay? Ares is the God of War, you little [bleep]. You do not call him a total jerk!
Lucy and the other panelist look horrified. The murmur in the audience starts again, with some scattered boos.
WOMAN IN THE AUDIENCE (to a man next to her): What is he, getting into character? Next thing, he'll say, "Do not make me zap you!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Later that evening, Lucy is in her hotel room talking on the phone.
LUCY: Look, I don't know what it is but he must be on drugs or something... I mean, you won't believe the whole thing. It was appalling. (Pauses, listening, then sighs) I am feeling so frazzled... first that lunatic this morning... and now Kevin seems to have completely flipped... is it something in the water? Maybe I'm next! (Pauses and listens) Well, all right. I'll talk to you later. (Hangs up)
A discreet knock on the door. Lucy goes to the door, looks through the eyehole and sees Ares, still posing as Kevin Smith.
LUCY: Kevin, go away.
ARES: Lucy, please. I need to talk to you.
LUCY: You need to talk to a psychiatrist, more like it.
ARES: Come on, Lucy. Open up.
LUCY: Kevin, I'm not in the mood for any more drama.
ARES (aside): I'm afraid there's definitely more of that coming up. (Aloud) Really, Lucy -- there's nothing to worry about -- we're good friends, right?
LUCY (sighs): Oh all right. (She opens the door and Ares walks in.) Kev, what's wrong? Are you on something? I don't get it. You're really not yourself today at all ...
ARES: How perceptive of you.
LUCY: What's that supposed to mean?
ARES: Well, not to beat around the bush -- I'm not myself. I mean, I'm myself, just not Kevin.
LUCY (distressed): Oh, I don't have time for this. Kev, either you've lost your mind completely or this is a really, really bad joke. Maybe you should leave.
She opens the door. Ares makes a slight hand motion and the door slams shut. Lucy is visibly startled.
ARES: I'm telling you the truth, Xena.
LUCY: What?
ARES: I mean, Lucy. I'm -- the real thing.
LUCY: What real thing? What are you talking about?
ARES: Do me a favor and sit down, okay?
LUCY: I don't want to sit down. What is going on?
ARES: Sit down. (He puts his hands together in a mock pleading gesture) Please. Humor me.
Lucy glances at him warily, then walks over to an armchair in the far corner of the room and sits down.
ARES: Ready?
LUCY: Ready for what?
ARES: Oh ... some special effects.
With a flash of light, he morphs into his true form. Lucy shrieks and covers her mouth with her hand.
LUCY (to herself): Okay... okay... remain calm... I'm hallucinating. (She closes her eyes. Ares vanishes. Lucy opens her eyes again and lets out a sigh of relief.) God, how weird was that?
ARES (reappears in front of her, in his trademark flash of blue light): Boo.
Lucy gasps, closes her eyes, shakes her head and opens her eyes again.
ARES (grinning): Still here.
LUCY: Oh God.
ARES: Are you talking to me?
LUCY (trying to keep a grip on herself): Oh God... I have flipped. Wait a minute ... okay... This is all a dream. That's right. I'm having a really strange dream.
ARES: I could pinch you.
LUCY (protectively folds her arms over her chest): No thanks.
ARES: Anyhow, this is not a dream and you're not insane. Trust me.
LUCY: You're ... the God of War?
ARES: In person. (He makes a fireball and bounces it from hand to hand before letting it dissolve)
LUCY: And this is what you really look like?
ARES: Yup. Pretty amazing, isn't it?
LUCY: Wow. I don't know if I'm awake or not, but I need a drink.
She gets up and walks toward the minibar. Ares makes a lazy motion with his hand, and the door of the minibar springs open. Lucy shrinks back with a start.
ARES: Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. (Grins) Well, maybe a little.
LUCY: Ummm, let's see ... a Scotch... yes, that should do. (Pours herself a drink. Then, to Ares.) Uh, anything for you? Or is it strictly -- nectar or whatever?
ARES: Whatever you got. (He holds out his hand and makes a bottle of beer from the minibar sail towards him, then flicks off the cap and takes a swig.)
LUCY (takes a few sips of Scotch and puts the glass down): All right... assuming you're real... why are you here?
ARES: Oh, let's just say that I thought now that the show's over, I should pay you a visit and express my appreciation... You know, I've been your biggest fan for years -- I mean, years.
LUCY (stares at him as something clicks in her memory): That was you this morning?
ARES: Oh yeah. Too bad you didn't keep the roses.
LUCY (rubs her forehead): Good heavens... (She suddenly thinks of something else and gives him a frightened look) Wait -- what did you do with Kevin?
ARES: He's quite all right, I assure you. Just -- out for the evening, shall we say. After you and I are done with our little chat, he'll never know anything happened.
LUCY: Oh yes, he will. That stunt you pulled out there could really screw up his career, don't you realize that?
ARES: I'm sure he can handle it.
LUCY (sharply): So you really are a self-centered, manipulative bastard just like on the show. (Momentarily taken aback by her own boldness) Uh... you're not going to zap me for saying that, are you?
ARES (chuckles): Not to worry. You know what they say -- all's fair in love and war.
LUCY: Oh, that's quite a line... even better than "It's what I do." They should have put that in a script.
ARES: Yeah, I always thought it was one of my best lines. I used to say that to -- Xena, you know. Of course, I could never quite get her to see it my way. But really, if you think about it, I'm not so bad. In my own way I'm actually quite a progressive guy.
LUCY: Progressive?
ARES: Think about it. I was all in favor of women in the military, way back when.
LUCY: Oh ... somehow I never thought of it in quite that light. (Pauses) So why did you do all this? I mean, posing as Kevin, the whole thing?
ARES: I had to get to you somehow. I mean, I didn't want to just zap in and scare you half to death.
LUCY: You did scare me half to death. (Takes another sip of Scotch) Say -- does this mean that it was all true? Xena and Gabrielle and all that?
ARES: Oh yeah. Most of the stories actually came from Gabrielle's scrolls.
LUCY: Wow... no kidding.
ARES: Not all, of course. I mean, "Married With Fishsticks" -- please. Far be it from me to speak well of La Gab, but she couldn't have written such a piece of crap. And the modern ones... Xena, put me in a tomb? As my sister would say, As if! Not to mention that "Soul Possession" nonsense. A contract on Xena's future lives? (Gives Lucy a long, lingering stare.) I mean, it would have been -- interesting. Never happened, though. They were just trying to come up with some half-assed explanation for how Gabrielle survived the lava pit.
LUCY: So how did she survive?
ARES (shrugs): Hell if I know. I'm the God of War, not the Psychic Friends Network. I've always been kinda curious about that one myself.
LUCY: Uh... aren't you supposed to say "Tartarus if I know"?
ARES: Oh please. That stuff gets old after a while.
LUCY: And the rest of it was all true?
ARES: Like I said, mostly. Gabby did have a knack for poetic license. And she didn't know everything that went on, either. For instance, remember in "Amphipolis Under Siege," in the temple...
LUCY (warily): Yes?
ARES: Well ... (in an insinuating tone) ... that wall didn't blow up quite so soon.
LUCY: And -- ?
ARES: And when Cyrene barged in ... let's just say that even if Gabby had been in on the whole thing, they couldn't have put that on television. (Pauses to think) Well, maybe cable. Late-night.
LUCY: You mean -- Xena actually did, uh, run out of foreplay?
ARES (flashes her a wicked grin): Depends on what you consider foreplay, my dear.
LUCY (puts her hands over her ears): Oooh, I don't think I want to hear any more. (Takes another sip of Scotch and then looks at Ares.) Oh say -- what about the -- the subtext?
ARES: The sub-what?
LUCY: Oh you know ... Xena and Gabrielle -- was there ... uh ... anything between them?
ARES: Me, sometimes. (Lucy looks aghast and he laughs.) Just kidding ... no such luck. Actually, I have no idea. Always wondered about that, too. Could have been. I mean, Xena did have a thing for girls.
LUCY: Really?
ARES: Well -- her and Callisto, for one.
LUCY (utterly appalled): Callisto?
ARES: Come on, you didn't pick up on that? The whole weird love-hate thing?
LUCY: When did that happen?
ARES: Oh, my guess would be, practically from the day they met. These two ... one moment they were trying to kill each other and the next ... oh baby! Real twisted. I mean, don't get me wrong, I can respect that kind of relationship.
LUCY: Wow. I think I need another drink. (She goes over to the minibar and pours herself more Scotch.) So I guess you really -- uh -- had a thing for her?
ARES: I still have a thing for you.
LUCY (turns around sharply): Wait, wait... you don't mean me... (laughs nervously) You know -- I'm not Xena, I just play one on TV, ha-ha-ha...
ARES: That's what you think.
LUCY (takes another sip of Scotch): Whatever do you mean?
ARES: Don't you get it? Xena hasn't come back as some clown named Harry ... thank the heavens. She's you.
LUCY (shakes her head): Uh-uh... that just can't be. I mean, I'm nothing like Xena in real life. Nothing at all.
ARES (suavely): Oh, Lucy. Be honest with yourself. It wasn't just acting, was it? All that fire... all that passion... that rage... it all came from some place inside that you're not too sure about, isn't that true? (Lucy stares at him, confused and obviously wavering.) You think anyone else could have played her the way you did? It had to be you. Because she's back and she's you.
He starts coming toward her and she shrinks back.
LUCY: No... wait a minute... I don't buy it. I mean, this is just the kind of mind f... -- er, mind game that you would play.
ARES (grins): I'll be the first to admit, I love a good mind -- (Lucy looks at him nervously) game as much as anyone. Maybe more. But this isn't one of them, Luce. You could say it's god's honest truth. Come 'ere. (Holds out his arms.)
LUCY (shrinks back): No -- no, please.
ARES: Come on. I won't bite you ... at least not yet. I just want to show you something.
He takes her in his arms and gives her a torrid kiss. She tries to protest at first but then instinctively begins to respond. A bright glow, shifting from fiery orange to icy blue, envelops their bodies. When the glow fades and Ares breaks the kiss, Lucy is hanging limply, her eyes closed. He sweeps her up in his arms, carries her over to the bed and puts her down.
A few seconds later, Lucy's eyes open. There is something subtly different about her. She takes a deep breath and looks at Ares, who is undoing the buttons on her blouse.
LUCY: Hey!
She pulls up one leg and kicks him in the chest, hard enough to send him flying across the room and slamming into the television. The screen shatters in a burst of sparks. She sits up on the bed, grinning smugly as Ares scrambles back to his feet, shaking himself off.
ARES (gazes at her adoringly): Xena... you're back.
XENA (smiling): With a vengeance. (Looks at her unbuttoned blouse) Two thousand years and you still have a way with women.
ARES: Hey, you passed out -- I was just trying to get you some air.
XENA: Suuure. (She starts to button up her blouse, then pauses, glances at Ares with a wicked smile and leaves it unbuttoned.) You know, now that you brought me back, I remember all those wonderful Ares moments that didn't make it on the show.
ARES: Oh, like what?
XENA (gets up): Like trying to get in bed with me and the psycho Barbie doll.
ARES (spreads his arms): What can I say. The two of you going at it ... it was just a little more temptation than mere man ... or god ... could resist.
XENA (picks up the nearly full glass of Scotch and downs it in one gulp): Well, it's good to be back, anyway. (Stretches like a cat.) Lucy -- let's face it, she could be a real drip a lot of the time. Oh -- refill that for me, would you? (Ares flicks his finger at the glass and it instantly fills up again.) And you'd better fix that TV before the hotel charges me for the damage.
ARES: Anything you say. (He runs his hand over the broken TV set, which immediately becomes whole again.)
XENA: What are you doing with yourself these days, anyway? Still holed up on Olympus?
ARES: Are you kidding me? With all those, um, planes and helicopters buzzing overhead? Much too accessible to mortals nowadays. Nah, I've got a few places here and there... a penthouse in New York...
XENA: Why New York?
ARES: Well ... if you feed on human aggression... damn, it's better than the Middle East!
XENA: Do you still run wars and all that stuff?
ARES (holds out his hand for another beer from the minibar): It's hard to really run things when no one worships you anymore... (takes a swig of beer) except, of course, for teenage girls on the Internet, thanks to your show. (Grins) But I dabble here and there... doing some undercover work for a few armies... a little consulting for the Pentagon...
XENA (sarcastically): Sounds like fun.
ARES: I miss the old days.
XENA: Soooo.... still haven't gotten over your little crush on me?
ARES: As you see.
XENA: I suppose I should be flattered. Two thousand years -- that must be a record for romantic obsessions. Doesn't there ever come a time when you just say "Godsdammit, I'm moving on"?
ARES: What can I say -- you really got to me. Not that I didn't try to get over it. You know, when they came up with that therapy thing, I even gave that a try.
XENA: Ares in therapy. I would have paid to see that.
ARES: Didn't work too well.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FLASHBACK:
A therapist's office. The decor and the sepia-colored tones suggest the 1930s. A prim-looking, middle-aged woman therapist in a severely tailored suit, with her hair gathered in a bun, sits in a leather armchair. Ares, in regular clothes, is lying on the couch.
THERAPIST (speaking in clipped, prissy tones): So. What you are telling me is that as a child, you felt rejected by a cold and distant mother whom you could never please... and then you've spent your adult life trying to please a woman who rejected you...
ARES (looks up at her suspiciously): Yes?
THERAPIST: Do you see a connection?
ARES (sits up abruptly): What exactly are you driving at?
THERAPIST: Well, Mr. Mars -- think about it. This elusive woman who keeps rejecting you no matter how hard you try -- is she really a substitute mother figure?
ARES (disgusted): Oh -- oh -- that is just --
THERAPIST: No need to get upset. This is entirely normal, you know. Surely you have heard of the Oedipus complex ... (he glares at her) ... you know, from the Greek myth --
ARES (leaps to his feet and grabs her by the collar): Listen, you old bag, I can tell you more about Oedipus than you'll ever care to know. That is the filthiest thing I've heard in a very long time... and I mean, I normally like filthy things!
He glowers at her and vanishes in a puff of smoke and a showers of sparks. The therapist faints. A few seconds later, she comes to, shakes her head, looks around, then goes over to her desk, picks up the telephone and dials.
THERAPIST: Hello, Dr. Brulov? This is Dr. Petersen. Listen, I have just had the oddest dream which I would like you to analyze for me --
End of flashback
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--- Back at the hotel room.
XENA: Why did you wait until now to bring me back?
ARES: You only caught my attention when they got the show on TV. And then -- well, I thought it would be better not to let you know until it was over.
XENA: Probably a good idea. Of course, I could have saved Renaissance a lot of money on stunt work...
ARES: So... now that you're back... do you and I get a second chance?
XENA: Oh, Ares. You've got such a one-track mind. Listen, I have some serious business to think about. I mean, now that I'm my old self again, I'm not going to spend the rest of my life playing Wonder Woman or doing some little stage plays. Or hanging out at these conventions, even if the hero worship is fun.
ARES: Oh ... are we back to the Greater Good business?
XENA (pauses to think, then looks at him with a feline smile): Nah... I think I got that nonsense out of my system last time around.
ARES (warily): You're just teasing me, right?
Xena comes closer to him and puts her arms around his neck, staring seductively into his eyes.
XENA (in a husky voice): I seem to recall someone telling me about a dream of ruling the world... Remember that?
ARES: Oh yeah.
XENA: I think I'd like to give it a shot. (She gives him a smoldering kiss on the mouth while opening his vest, then slides down and bites his left nipple.) Mmmm... remember this?
ARES (draws in his breath): Oh ... I most certainly do. (He closes his eyes, then suddenly opens them again and pulls her up to face him.) Hold it. This hotel isn't going to blow up in five minutes, is it?
XENA: Not that I know of. Unless, of course, some fans were seriously pissed off about that ending. Now... where were we?
ARES: Oh my ... this is working out far better than I could imagine.
She grabs his shoulders, flings him on the bed and lands on top of him. They kiss passionately as he slides her blouse off her shoulders. The phone rings.
ARES: Oh, don't tell me... it's Mom.
XENA: Zap the damn thing for me, will you?
ARES (grinning): With pleasure.
He lifts a hand and sends a bolt of energy at the phone, killing it. Xena moves in for another kiss. Fadeout.
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A little later, Xena is lounging in the armchair wearing a silk robe, sipping champagne. Ares, fully dressed, is sprawled on the bed with a champagne glass in hand, with a blissful look on his face, humming a tune from "The Bitter Suite."
ARES (singing softly): You are the most divine, delicious warrior... A man can't help saluting your return ... And if you start my heart ... it's just the way you slash and burn...
Xena looks at him and bursts out laughing. Ares grins sheepishly, then pats the space next to him on the bed. She comes over and sits by his side.
XENA (glances at Ares with a wry smile): So... was that worth waiting for?
ARES: Oh yeah. It was the lay of the millennium, no question about it. (He takes a sip of champagne, stroking her hair.) Please, please don't say "I have many skills." An occasion like this deserves some original lines.
He puts down his champagne glass, sits up, wraps his arms around Xena and starts nuzzling her neck. She sighs sensuously but tries to keep a grip on herself.
XENA: Ares?
ARES (his voice muffled): What?
XENA: Are any of the other gods still around?
ARES (massaging her shoulders): Oh yeah. All the ones you didn't waste back in your god-killing days, they're here. Aphrodite's still her own ditzy self ... last time she decided to have a bit of fun, it caused almost as much trouble as the Trojan War.
XENA: What are you talking about?
ARES: That White House intern business...
XENA (chuckles): That was Dite's doing?
ARES: Yeah, Sis was bored and playing one of her pranks. Of course, it turned out all right for me too -- what better way to distract attention from a sex scandal than a nice little war. It's just like they said on that show of yours -- love and war go hand in hand.
XENA: Who else is around?
ARES: Oh, Apollo, Hestia... Hermes...
XENA: The god of commerce?
ARES: Yeah... We don't see much of him, though. Busy fella -- got his fingers in a lot of multinationals ... Wall Street one day, the Tokyo Stock Exchange the next ... the World Bank... that kind of thing. (He takes another sip of champagne and slides a hand under the collar of Xena's robe.) You know, I can think of something better to do than discuss my family.
XENA (removes his hand and rises): In my case -- sleep. Be a good boy and scram, OK? I need some rest... It's been a pretty big day for me, don't you think?
ARES (gets up): If you say so.
XENA: Maybe we can do something fun tomorrow night. Like you could transport us to New York and we could have dinner at the Four Seasons.
ARES: You've got to be kidding. It's a four-month waiting list.
XENA: Oh, come on. You're a god.
ARES: I'm the God of War, princess, not the God of Ridiculously Overpriced Restaurants. Hey, they're having a military air show in Pasadena -- we could go see that.
XENA: I'll think about it.
ARES: Sleep well. (Gives her a long kiss) By Olympus, it's good to see you again.
XENA: Good night.
He disappears. Xena stands still, looking at the spot where he vanished and obviously pondering something.
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Very early morning outside the hotel. A slightly pudgy limousine driver in a cap and dark glasses is loading Xena's luggage into the trunk as Ares, in modern clothes (same as in the first scene) stands nearby, watching.
DRIVER: Ready, Ms. Lawless? We'd better get out before you get mobbed by fans again.
XENA: Just a moment. (Comes up to Ares.) I'll just take care of some business and join you in New York in a few days.
ARES: Are you sure you want to take the plane? I could get you there much more efficiently.
XENA: No, that's all right, dear. Thanks for the offer. I'll see you soon.
They kiss. Xena climbs into the back seat of the limousine, the driver gets behind the wheel and starts the car. Xena rolls the window down and blows Ares a kiss, which he returns.
ARES (to himself): It couldn't have worked out better.
Xena rolls up the window as the car rolls out into the street, where the traffic is still very light.
Then, in the flash of a second, the limousine explodes in a giant fireball.
Other cars screech to a halt. The few passerby on the street run screaming as pieces of twisted metal land on the sidewalk, one of them right at Ares's feet.
Ares stands completely stunned as people push past him, running from the hotel to the scene of the wreck.
HOTEL CONCIERGE: My God! I think Lucy Lawless was in that car!
ARES (a vacant look on his face): Xena -- ?
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Five years later.
The living room in Ares's penthouse in New York, sparsely but elegantly furnished. The walls feature an impressive collection of weaponry from ancient to modern, except for one wall that is practically a shrine to Xena: Warrior Princess, with posters from the show and stills of Xena. The photo signed by Lucy Lawless to "Alex Mars" is prominently displayed. Ares is sprawled in a black leather armchair in front of the television, watching Casablanca.
HUMPHREY BOGART AS RICK (on the screen): Here's looking at you, kid.
Ares dabs at his eyes. A cloud of golden sparks bursts next to him, and he hastily points a finger at the TV set and flips to a World War II documentary on the History Channel just as Aphrodite materializes at his side.
APHRODITE: Don't hide from me, bro. You were watching the Romance Classics again!
ARES: Was not.
APHRODITE: Were too. (Points a finger at the TV and switches the channel back) Awww ... Casablanca. That's sooo sweet... but you know, you just can't keep moping like this. This is even worse than before...
ARES: Leave me alone, will ya? I'm trying to watch this.
He switches back to the History Channel. Aphrodite playfully clicks her fingers at the TV and starts channel-hopping.
ARES (sits up, suddenly animated): Stop! Hold it --
There, in a box on the corner of the screen, is a photo of a woman who looks like a spitting image of Xena -- except that she has short blond hair.
ANCHOR: Next on CNN's Moneyline, Marina Mirabella talks to the Warrior Princess of Wall Street.
Ares leans forward, with a look of utter disbelief on his face.
MARINA MIRABELLA (on TV, standing in front of the New York Stock Exchange): In what is still the largely male-dominated world of high finance, there is a woman whose name inspires awe and even fear in the hearts of the toughest of men. Last week, the business world was rocked by the news of Regina Belli's appointment as chief executive officer of Global Capital Strategies, Incorporated. It's a promotion that caps a truly meteoric rise from lowly obscurity to the pinnacle of power and fortune.
A cut to Xena -- blonde, with bobbed hair, wearing a black business suit with gold buttons -- sitting at her desk.
MIRABELLA: "The Warrior Princess of Wall Street" -- how did you get such an unusual nickname?
XENA (smiles): Remember that TV show from the nineties, Xena: Warrior Princess? Well, some people think I look like Xena. I don't see that much of a resemblance, myself. But I kind of like it.
MIRABELLA: Do you think you have something in common with Xena?
XENA: The killer instinct, you might say. (Laughs)
MIRABELLA (in front of "Regina Belli's" office): Only five years ago, Ms. Belli was a secretary working in a humdrum job in the tiny town of Strangeville, Ohio. Then, she decided to try her luck in New York. She got a job in the offices of Global Capital while working toward a business degree at New York University.
MIDDLE-AGED BUSINESSMAN IN AN INTERVIEW CLIP: We noticed right away that Gina was something special. She had amazing business acumen -- more than some people who had been around Wall Street for decades. But perhaps more important, she had real fire in the belly.
MIRABELLA: So, the girl from Strangeville got her first management position even before she had completed her degree. The rest, so to speak, was herstory.
Cut back to the interview with Xena/Regina.
MIRABELLA: You specialize in mergers and acquisitions. Some people say that with all these mergers, there is a growing danger of too much economic power being consolidated in the hands of a few players. Do you think that's a real cause for concern?
XENA: Oh, I'm sure those people mean well. But I believe that, in my own way, I'm fighting for a better world. More united and more diverse, with a stronger economy and better jobs. As an old teacher of mine used to say (smiles), it's the perfect way to bring order out of chaos.
ARES: That bitch! (He hurls a fireball at the television, blowing it up.)
APHRODITE: Hey, hey -- was that the warrior babe?
ARES: Oh -- who do you think it was, Joan of Arc?
APHRODITE: Joan of what?
ARES: Never mind. Regina Belli, huh? I'll show you order out of chaos.
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Lunchtime at a very expensive restaurant in New York. Xena/Regina, in an elegant dark blue suit, is sitting at a table with three male executives.
XENA: Look, gentlemen. Let's cut the bullshit, OK? (She smiles, the lovely but deadly smile of Evil Xena, slicing off a piece of rare steak as she speaks.) I know about your little problems with cash flow. You have exactly thirty hours to take this offer. If you don't take it, I guarantee your company will be dead -- very soon. (She pops a piece of steak in her mouth and a little blood from the meat trickles down from her lips)
EXECUTIVE #1: Uh -- why thirty hours?
XENA: My usual deadline. It could be worse, you know. (Smiles) I could have given you thirty seconds.
EXECUTIVE #2 (his eyes riveted to the droplets of blood on Xena's chin): Ms. Belli -- if we could have some kind of guarantee that the senior executive staff will get to keep their jobs or at least their pensions...
XENA: Oh, there's a very good chance of that. If I decide it's necessary. (Motions to the waiter, snappishly) Waiter! Over here.
She wipes her chin with a napkin, lifts a martini glass to her lips and then suddenly perks up and looks around.
EXECUTIVE #2 (nervously): What's the matter?
XENA: Oh, nothing -- just thought I smelled something funny.
She smiles wryly and sips the martini.
Suddenly, everything (except for Xena) comes to a standstill. The wine that a waiter at the next table is pouring into a woman's glass hangs in the air like beads of silvery glass. The waiter who was heading toward Xena's table is immobilized in mid-step. One of the men at the table has a fork in his hand and a chunk of steak on the way toward his open mouth, while another has just started picking up his martini and the third is reaching for the bread basket.
XENA (calmly puts down her martini): All right, Ares. Come out, come out, wherever you are.
ARES (materializes standing in front of her): Ms. Regina Belli, I presume. So clever -- Latin for "Queen of War." Bravo. (Claps sarcastically)
XENA: Why, thank you. I'd order you a drink but the waiters seem to be tied up right now. You can have that if you like. (Points to the martini in the hand of Executive #2.)
ARES (removes the glass from the man's immobilized hand and empties it in one gulp): You're unbelievable.
XENA (smiles): Yes, so they tell me.
ARES: How did you survive?
XENA: Oh come on, Ares. Any self-respecting fan knows nobody ever really dies in Xenaverse. (Sips her martini)
ARES: But -- why?
XENA: Well, I knew you weren't going to leave me alone unless you thought I was dead. And, as you can see, I had my own plans. (Cuts off another piece of bloody steak and puts it in her mouth.) I hope you're planning on re-starting things pretty soon because I have to send my steak back to the kitchen. This is ridiculously overdone.
ARES: You know, it wasn't a very nice thing to do.
XENA: Nice? (Laughs) Oh, I like that. Pointers from the God of War on being nice. You know, it's a funny thing, Ares. When you brought me back, what you got was ... well, what used to be known on that cheesy show as "Evil Xena." A pretty cool chick, actually. I told you I was through with the Greater Good thing. You should have been listening more carefully.
ARES: But we were supposed to be a team!
XENA: A team for what? Some hot action between the sheets? Please. I'm into power, Ares. Big time. And I kind of enjoy making people cower in fear -- like these pathetic so-called men over here. (Waves toward the three executives at her table) Call me crazy, but these are a few of my favorite things.
ARES: So?
XENA: So wake up and smell the ambrosia, God of War. War just ain't where it's at anymore. See any powerful warlords around? Maybe in some godforsaken little places with no decent shower facilities -- and with names I couldn't pronounce in Greek, let alone English. And so many aggravations -- human rights commissions, war crimes tribunals... who needs it? (Shakes her head) We're in the 21st Century here, in case you haven't noticed. What I'm doing now -- that's how you build an empire. Do you know that just last month, I killed three thousand jobs?
She flashes him a satisfied grin, sipping her martini.
ARES (bitterly): You know, if I hadn't brought you back, you'd still be signing autographs for those freaked-out fans at those stupid conventions!
XENA: And you got my thank-you note, didn't you? You said it yourself -- it was the lay of the millennium. What else do you want, a big fat package of preferred stock? That could be arranged.
ARES: Dammit, it wasn't just about getting laid and you know it! I wanted us to be together!
XENA: Too bad, Ares. To quote from your beloved show ... we just didn't want the same things.
ARES: I still don't get it. How did you survive that explosion? The Wall Street thing -- how did all that happen?
XENA: If you must know -- I had some help. Turns out you weren't the only god who was interested in having me play on his team.
A short, somewhat pudgy man in an immaculately tailored suit materializes next to them. He looks suspiciously like the driver of the limousine that blew up.
ARES (stares at him in disbelief): Hermes?
XENA (sneering): Hermes, with the wings on the feet.
HERMES: Actually, it's strictly Armani shoes these days, old man.
XENA: The god of commerce, in person. Hello, sweetie. (She grabs Hermes's tie and pulls him in for a kiss.)
ARES: Oh that's real nice, bro. Steal my girl right from under my nose.
HERMES: 'Scuse me. She's the one who came to me.
ARES: How?
HERMES: Well, these days, when somebody actually calls me by name, it piques my interest, you know? And our lovely Xena here -- I guess she just has a direct line to the gods, dontcha, my little creampuff? (He sits on the edge of the table, squeezes Xena's shoulder and plants a smooch on her nose.) Oh, she's something else, old man. You've got taste in women, gotta give you that.
Ares, momentarily speechless, shakes his head.
XENA: What, no witty comeback? Come on, Ares, don't stand there looking so glum. Snap out of it already. Are you a god or a mouse? Look around. The world's full of kick-ass chicks -- they got women flying Air Force bombers, for heaven's sake. Take your pick.
ARES (having regained his composure, stares at her with a cold sneer): You know something, Xena -- I may have my faults, but at least "my little creampuff" isn't part of my vocabulary. (He picks up her right hand and kisses it, with chilly, almost insultingly impersonal gallantry.) Have fun building your empire, Regina Belli.
He dissolves in a flash of blue light. For a split second, Xena looks a little wistfully at the spot where he vanished; with a barely visible sensual shiver, she presses her left palm to the back of her hand where his lips just touched her skin, and momentarily closes her eyes. Then she blinks quickly, takes another sip of martini, and looks up at Hermes with a bright, predatory smile.
HERMES: You know, honeybunch, you shouldn't push his buttons like that. I mean, he could start another war in the Persian Gulf and it would really mess up the stock market.
XENA: Don't you worry, Hermes. (Pinches his cheek) The market goes up, the market goes down -- you and I are still coming out on top. Besides, there never was a time when I couldn't handle Ares.
HERMES: Whatever you say, babycakes. Mmmmmwa. (Gives her a loud smack on the lips) See you at the Four Seasons tonight.
XENA: You got it. Oh, and -- get things rolling again before you leave, would you?
Hermes snaps his fingers as he dematerializes. Time restarts again. Xena winces and wipes her lips. Executive #2 looks in some bewilderment at his empty martini glass.
XENA: Now, gentlemen... where were we?
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An almost empty bar in downtown New York. Ares, in modern attire -- black turtleneck, black leather jacket and silver pendant -- is staring listlessly into a glass of beer. The television set over the bar is showing a news program.
TV ANCHOR: Coming up after the break -- meet some female pioneers who have shattered the glass ceiling.
(Interview clip)
"REGINA BELLI": Sometimes, the best man for the job is a woman.
Ares grits his teeth and imperceptibly flicks a finger at the television. The channel changes to a basketball game.
FEMALE VOICE: Oh no, please don't change the channel! I really want to see that! That's my new boss!
Something about that voice makes Ares turn around. Sitting two chairs away from him is a young woman with long dark hair, wearing jeans and a dark green short-sleeved cotton shirt. Ares takes a close look at her, and their eyes lock for a moment. Suddenly, in his vision, Gabrielle's face is superimposed on hers, and then blends into it. The young woman doesn't actually bear much of a resemblance to Gabrielle -- except for the same look of naive goodness and innocence that "early" Gabrielle had.
BARTENDER: Uh, I didn't change it. Don't know how that happened. Sorry. (He changes the channel back; the program is in the middle of a commercial)
ARES (slides over toward the young woman): Excuse me. Your new boss?
YOUNG WOMAN: That woman who was just on TV. Regina Belli. I just got a secretarial job at her office.
ARES (his eyes suddenly sparkle): Oh really. Have you met her yet?
YOUNG WOMAN: No, but I'm starting Monday. I'm really excited about it.
ARES: Oh. Well, we must celebrate your new job. This calls for a drink.
YOUNG WOMAN (sighs): Look, if you're trying to pick me up --
ARES: No! I swear, it's nothing like that. It's just that I take such an interest in everything that has to do with Xe -- I mean, Gina Belli.
YOUNG WOMAN (curious): Do you know her?
ARES: I've only met her once -- but I'm a great admirer. (To the bartender) Over here -- a bottle of Korbel Brut.
The bartender brings a bottle of champagne, pops the cork, and pours two glasses.
YOUNG WOMAN (hesitantly): This is much too weird...
ARES (lifts a glass): Trust me, this is a very special occasion. Gina is one of a kind.
YOUNG WOMAN: Oh, here's that segment now. Let me see this.
Unnoticed by her, Ares snaps his fingers at the set and it goes dark.
YOUNG WOMAN: Oh no.
The bartender fiddles with the controls and repeatedly hits the TV set, to no avail.
BARTENDER (turns to the young woman and shrugs): Gee, I'm sorry... I guess we'll have to call the repair guy tomorrow.
YOUNG WOMAN (disappointed): I really wanted to see that.
ARES: Come on. (They clink glasses.) To the Warrior Princess of Wall Street and her new sidekick -- what's your name?
YOUNG WOMAN: Libby Jensen. And you are -- ?
ARES: Alex Mars. To your new job, Libby Jensen. (They drink. Then Ares glances at her, struck by a sudden thought.) Libby -- what's that short for?
LIBBY: Livia.
ARES: Your name is Livia? (He starts laughing uncontrollably, splashing the champagne from his glass)
LIBBY (offended): What's so funny about that?
ARES: Oh, but these things do work out in mysterious ways... (trying in vain to suppress his merriment) I'm sorry... nothing at all... it's just that I used to know a girl named Livia --
LIBBY (annoyed): She must have been a very amusing person.
ARES: Oh, you wouldn't believe it (choking with laughter) -- she was -- a laugh riot. I'm sorry, my dear. You must think I'm some kind of a maniac.
LIBBY: Well, actually ... (She starts to rise as the bartender gives them a suspicious look.)
ARES: No, no. Sit. I'd like to talk to you.
LIBBY: I don't think so. Thanks for the drink, but --
ARES (puts his hand on top of hers): Come on. Just for a few minutes.
He looks at her with such authority and such hypnotic magnetism that she sits down and picks up her glass again.
LIBBY: What do you want to talk about?
ARES: You. Tell me -- you're kind of an idealist, aren't you? You probably believe in -- people before profits, love before greed -- that kind of thing -- right? You really wish it wasn't so much of a dog-eat-dog world and people could just help each other?
LIBBY (surprised): Well... yes.
ARES: So what are you doing going to work for a ruthless corporate shark like -- Gina?
LIBBY: I thought you were an admirer of hers.
ARES: Oh, I am. I'm asking about you.
LIBBY: Well... before this, I used to work for a non-profit... actually, what I really want to be is --
ARES: Wait, let me guess. A writer? A poet?
LIBBY (startled): How did you know?
ARES: Oh, call it my -- man's intuition.
LIBBY: Are you a -- psychotherapist of some kind? You don't look like one.
ARES (laughs): No, not exactly. But do go on.
LIBBY: Well, I need to pay the bills ... I mean, have you ever tried surviving as a free-lance writer?
ARES: Nope, can't say that I have. Come on, drink up. (He pours her some more champagne)
LIBBY: So, the non-profit folded and the employment agency sent me to interview for this job in Ms. Belli's office and I wasn't even sure whether to take it... and then I saw her on TV --
ARES: And you knew that you wanted to work for this woman -- more than you had wanted anything in your entire life.
LIBBY (gasps): Yes! I mean, it was almost like -- I had met her in a past life or something. And I thought -- you know, she says she wants to fight for a better world... maybe, in my own little way, I can help her do that.
ARES (pats her on the arm): Oh, Libby, Libby. You made my evening. I mean, I could kiss you. (She shrinks back) Don't worry, I won't. (He gulps down the rest of his champagne and gets up, throwing money down on the counter.) Listen, finish up your drink... I'm outta here. Oh, I wouldn't mention this little chat of ours to your boss. Gina is a remarkable woman but she has some unfortunate preconceived notions about me... very, very unfair, I assure you. Well, it was great meeting you. Good luck on the new job! (He looks at her with a sudden mischievous glint in his eye and points a finger at her chest.) Hey -- what's that?
Libby looks down and Ares flips her nose -- just as he did to Gabrielle at the end of their adventure with the enchanted scroll -- then laughs and walks toward the door, leaving Libby gaping in open-mouthed amazement. He starts whistling "Mack the Knife."
LIBBY (finally regaining the power of speech): Who are you?
ARES (turns around): Let's just say -- I'm her biggest fan.
Libby gazes after him, bewildered and riveted. Ares is about to open the door when he turns around again.
ARES: Oh, and Gabby?
LIBBY: It's Libby.
ARES: Oh yes -- Libby, one more thing.
LIBBY: What?
ARES: Don't ever cut your hair short. Trust me, it doesn't become you at all.
He blows her a kiss and walks out. Libby looks completely baffled.
BARTENDER (looks after Ares and shakes his head): Man oh man... major weirdo.
LIBBY (shivers): I don't know. There was something about him... I have this crazy feeling that I've met him somewhere before... but... I don't really think so.
BARTENDER: Whoa, look at that. He left me a hundred bucks!
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Outside the bar, Ares walks jauntily down a nearly deserted street, obviously in high spirits, singing to himself from "Mack the Knife" and snapping his fingers to the beat, making tiny blue sparks fly. [If you do not know this song, see the note at the end]
ARES (singing): Oh, the shark has -- pretty teeth, dear... and he shows 'em ... pearly white... Just a jack knife -- has ol' MacHeath, dear... an' he keeps it out of sight... Ah, when the shark bites -- with his teeth, dear ... scarlet billows start to spread...
APHRODITE'S VOICE (behind him): Hey, bro!
Ares stops and looks back. Aphrodite catches up to him, wearing a tiny miniskirt and an equally tiny sequined tank top instead of her trademark pink negligee.
APHRODITE: What was that all about, back in the bar?
ARES: Spying on me, Sis? (He flashes her a smile -- the familiar cocky grin of the God of War -- and walks on, humming and then singing again) On the sidewalk -- Sunday mornin' ... lies a body, oozin' life... Someone's sneakin' round the corner -- could that someone -- be Mack the Knife...
APHRODITE (pouting): Hey! Come on! (Follows him, tugging on his sleeve)
ARES (stops): Well, if you must know -- that girl? That was your little friend, the bard.
APHRODITE: So why are you, like, such a happy camper all of a sudden?
ARES: Are you kidding me? Build an empire ... hah! Once she's got Gabrielle hanging around ... (chuckles) 'bye, Warrior Princess of Wall Street. Two years, tops -- and they'll be off somewhere in Africa together feeding orphans! Can't wait to see the look on Hermes's face... Let Mr. Wings-on-the-Feet knock himself out this time trying to get her back! (Laughs gleefully) Who knows ... godsdammit ... maybe I'm moving on!
He starts humming again, swinging a little to the beat of the music as he walks.
APHRODITE (sauntering after him): As if! The moment she's off to feed those orphans, you'll be over there just like that (she snaps her fingers with a little burst of pink hearts) -- trying to get her to lead some African army in, like ... uh ... Costa Rica!
Ares stops and looks at her thoughtfully; her words have obviously struck a nerve.
ARES (shrugs): Anything's possible, Sis... anything's possible.
He puts an arm around her shoulder. They turn the corner into an empty side street, morph into their classic forms, and vanish in a burst of light and sparks -- just as Libby Jensen comes out of the bar and stares ahead with a dreamy look on her face.
Disclaimer: The stock market did not drop during the production of this motion picture.
Lyrics to "Mack the Knife" (English by Marc Blitzstein, original German by Berthold Brecht; music by Kurt Weill from The Threepenny Opera [1955]):
Oh, the shark has pretty teeth, dear And he shows them pearly white. Just a jack knife has MacHeath, dear And he keeps it out of sight. When the shark bites with his teeth, dear Scarlet billows start to spread. Fancy gloves, though, wears MacHeath, dear So there's not a trace of red. On the sidewalk Sunday morning Lies a body oozing life; Someone's sneaking 'round the corner. Is the someone Mack the Knife? From a tugboat by the river A cement bag's dropping down; The cement's just for the weight, dear. Bet you Mackie's back in town. Louie Miller disappeared, dear After drawing out his cash; And MacHeath spends like a sailor. Did our boy do something rash? Sukey Tawdry, Jenny Diver, Polly Peachum, Lucy Brown Oh, the line forms on the right, dear Now that Mackie's back in town.
For sound clips of "Mack the Knife," go here
or here
and scroll down to "Mack the Knife"
Please e-mail the author of this story with your comments. CathyYoung1@cs.com