SEX/SUBTEXT: Uh, I certainly hope not.
VIOLENCE: Well, a bit of strangling Shamanesses, but nothing more.
AUTHER’S NOTE: This is a reply to the following challenge by Electra:
Challenge 2:
1) Must have an Ares/Xena relationship
2) Ares must fight Xena in a drinking contest over a slice of cake. (You name the flavor)
3) Alti must have a crush on Ares
4) Gabby must have a crush on Ares
5) Ares must have to run through a town being chased by several women
6) Xena must chickennap a...well, chicken
It did come out a bit crazy, but I hope you’ll enjoy it!
Reunions at the Tavern
By Jane
[A lone figure is sitting on the throne, one leather-dressed leg across the armrest. Aphrodite enters in her usual pink-hearts fashion.]
DITE: Still throwing darts at my statue? [He throws a dart] Ares, that just totally ruins my look! [Takes out the dart out from the nose]
ARES: Well, it’s like I said, sis, budget problems. I’ve spent all my godly allowance on wars. And you know how I am when I don’t blow up a Hercules one every day. [Sobs!] It’s not fair!
DITE: Gee, poor you. Well, why don’t you visit the warrior babe? That always cheers you up...
ARES: You really think I should? Oh, what am I saying? It’s better than dying of boredom in here. Besides, I need to practice my seduction skills on her.
DITE: That’s my boy!
ARES: I’m not your boy…
DITE: Oops, sorry- wrong line. Well, have fun. [Ares disappears] Now to the search- I know I left my nail polish somewhere around here…
~********~
[Xena is in a tavern and Gabrielle next to her, writing in a scroll.]
GABBY: Oh, Xena I don’t know what to write…
XENA: I told you, try fiction
GABBY: I’m terrible at fiction- even the Internet has better fiction writers than me…
XENA: What’s an Internet?!
GABBY: I don’t know. I just made that up…
XENA: Have you been eating Henbane again?
[Gabrielle moans and Xena rolls her eyes. The next thing they know, Ares appears]
ARES: Hello, Xena!
XENA: What do you want?
ARES: Well, lets see. I want you to rule the world, I want that bard hanged, but a simple death might do as well…
GABBY: Hey!
ARES: Don’t interrupt me. I also want Hercules in Tartarus and…
XENA: No, I meant why are you here?
ARES: [disappointed] Oh, I thought you were asking me about my birthday present…
XENA: Oh, get over it… [Looks at his puppy eyes] Oh, all right I could kill Gabrielle for you, but the other things are too hard…
GABBY: What?
XENA: Nothing, Gabby. [To Ares] My room after Gab falls asleep. [Ares’ smile extends from ear to ear]
[Gabrielle turns five different shades of green.]
GABBY: Oh, this is bad [Looks up] Archangel Michael, please send one of your angels down here to save me.
[Alti crushes through the roof and moans, getting up]
XENA: Alti, aren’t you supposed to be dead?
ALTI: How the hell am I supposed to know? I lost count myself…
GABBY: It’s a miracle- I’m saved… Wait, did you say Alti?
ALTI: Hello, you must be the blond I’ve heard so much about…
ARES: Irritating blond
ALTI: Uh, okay then. Nice to meet you irritating blonde [Ares chuckles]
GABBY: [angry] It’s Gabrielle. And I don’t mean to be rude but when will you finally die?
ALTI: I thought I was, but then Michael kicked me out of heaven.
***FLASHBACK***
MICHAEL: All you do is watch TV. And you’re not even supposed to be here… [Hears someone call for his help] Oh, it’s Gabrielle
ALTI: Who cares? Give me some space- I need to work on my eyeliner…
MICHAEL: Oh, that’s it. You cursed my goldfish; bit off my wing and did some other things I can’t recall. Someone on earth needs help, and god knows I’m too lazy to provide it, so get out of here you hag… [Kicks her out of the heaven sofa].
***FLASHBACK ENDS***
GABBY: So, Michael send you to protect me?
ALTI: Pretty much, irritati… oh I mean Gabrielle. Now give me a few minutes, once I’m done with the eyeliner, I’ll go back to the old-fashioned ‘curse anyone who gets in my way’ routine.
[Meanwhile Xena and Ares in a private argument]
XENA: No, I’m telling you the Chocolate Shupa-dupa is my favourite cake flavour.
ARES: Xena, it was my cake…
XENA: [About to eat it] Not anymore…
ARES: NOOOO!!! That’s the last one I’ve got. Remember the budget problem?
XENA: Oh, fine we can make it a sport…
SALMONEUS: [From across the tavern] Please try out my newest drink. It’s strong, tasty and the first one comes free. Hmmm, what do you say? Isn’t that a deal?
XENA: Hey, Sal come here, and bring some of whatever it is you’re drinking… [To Ares] We’re gonna have a drinking contest
ARES: All right! Wait, if we both fill ourselves up with alcohol, who’s gonna have the stomach to eat the cake?
XENA: Oh, I don’t know. There’s only a slice anyway. Lets just get drunk first…
ARES: Whatever you say my lovely warrior…
XENA: I’m not yours…
ARES: Yeah, try and say that in ten minutes. [They pick up the glasses and start drinking hungrily]
[Meanwhile Alti and Gabrielle get to know each other]
GABBY: So, what exactly does a Shamaness do? [She opened her scroll to write about it]
ALTI: Oh, go around, scaring people with rotten voices and incredibly thick eyeliners. From time to time you also have to curse a few. You know, the usual. [Looks at Gabrielle who’s been writing that down] Why? Are you interested in becoming one yourself?
GABBY: No, I just have nothing better to write. So, what are you working on right now?
ALTI: What is this? A public interview, or something? [Gab looks disappointed] Oh, all right I’ll tell you- but you have to keep your mouth shut. I like my victims to surprise! [Laughs loudly]
GABBY: What are laughing about?
ALTI: Oh, just playing back old memories in my head. Anyway, what I’ve developed now is a rare love potion.
GABBY: Wait; aren’t you supposed to develop something evil?
ALTI: Yeah, but my producer says that I have to be more unpredictable…
GABBY: Who is your producer?
ALTI: Metastopholis…
GABBY: The ruler of hell? [Psst…if you don’t know who that is I suggest you watch “Haunting of Amphipolis”]
ALTI: Aha, the same one. He gives me paychecks every week for all the people I send down to him.
GABBY: So, are you gonna show me that love potion?
[Alti takes out a bottle and holds it up, but before Gabrielle has a chance to see it, they both hear a groan from across the tavern. There Xena lies on the table, almost purring and Ares giving her what she wanted all these years: a face massage, with a cocoa mask. Beauty tips he inherited from his bimbo sister]
XENA: [After drinking a whole bottle of… whatever that drink was/To Ares] So, thaaat eixplains why yu look soooo cute
ARES: I never knew you felt this way. Too bad you lost the ‘get drunk ‘till you drop’ contest. But gods really don’t get drunk- I thought you knew…
[Gabrielle and Alti come up to the table]
XENA: Gerbil? [Burps]
GABBY: It’s Gabrielle, remember me?
XENA: Noope…[Laughs]
ARES: [To Gabrielle] Hey, don’t look at me- it was her idea…
ALTI: Now, I understand why she doesn’t drink… this is ridiculous
XENA: You’ve killed my father and now you’ve come back for meeee…
ALTI: No, it was your son I cursed and I have no intention to kill you when you’re so drunk…
XENA: Who are you calling a drunk? [Grabs Alti by the throat and begins to choke the old witch]
GABBY: Xena, she’s really not that bad…[Xena ignores her and continues to cling to her neck. Gabrielle jumps in trying to pull them apart]
ALTI: [Cough] Be careful…[cough] …you could…[cough]…spill the potion…[Xena doesn’t change her grip and all three of them fall to the floor.]
GABBY: Oh, no the potion’s spilled…Xena what have you doonn…[All three of them look in Ares’ direction]
ALTI: I never realized how cute he looked before…Xena you were right
XENA: Finally you admit it
GABBY: Those muscles…that hair…
ALTI: Those eyes…that body…
XENA: Those feathers…that beak…[Ares looks down at himself; confused]
[Alti and Gabrielle turn to look at Xena]
GABBY: Xena are you blind? Ares hasn’t got any of those things…[To Alti] Does that potion have sumac in it? [Alti replies in a questioning stare]
XENA: No, not Ares… the chicken in that nest. Isn’t it the funkiest one you’ve ever seen? [Everyone turns to look at the chicken behind Ares]
GABBY: Xena, it’s just a chicken…
CHICKEN: Pock…pock… pock [A farmer picks up the chicken and carries it out of the tavern]
XENA: I must go to it… It’s calling me [Runs after the farmer]
ARES: Hey, come back…I haven’t finished your massage…
ALTI: You could give me a massage…
ARES: [Frightened] You’re kidding me, right? [Alti comes closer, with Gabrielle behind] Xena, help me, please!!! [runs after the warrior princess]
[Soon, the whole town is shocked to see: A farmer with a chicken in his hands; running away from a certain warrior princess, breast dagger in hand. Leather clad, attractive, well-muscled man after her. Followed by a strange old hag, dressed in deerskins, trying to knock out the blond next to her.]
FARMER: Please, just leave me alone… I need supper for tonight…
XENA: How dear you insult my love? I’ll kill you…Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi…
ARES: Xena, honey come back- I thought you loved me…[sobs]
ALTI: Marry me, war-boy…or I’ll place a curse on your whole family…
ARES: Stop chasing me you demon! And by the way, I don’t care about my family…
ALTI: We’ll see what you say in season five…[To Gabrielle] He’s mine Blondie…
GABBY: Drop dead and stay dead, Miss eyeliner…
~~***EPILOGUE: ***~~
Xena did catch her beloved chicken and is still recovering from a hangover.
Ares realized he was a god and disappeared, with the words “Until next face massage, Xena… until next beauty-therapy”
Gabrielle never got to finish her scroll but did manage to rip some of Alti’s hair out, for calling her Blondie.
Alti got bored chasing after the god and Gabrielle tearing at her hair, so she took the spell off and was never seen there again.
Archangel Michael did manage to grow a new wing while Alti was gone, but his goldfish wasn’t so lucky.
The chicken was cooked by the campfire that night and Xena was glad she didn’t have to pay for it.
The farmer cursed the warrior princess and went to get a new chicken.
Please e-mail the author of this story with your comments. priestess_jane@yahoo.com