Disclaimer: I don't own em. If I did I'd be in bliss, but no. So don't sue me...if there really are some Greek gods out there, don't sue me either...leave me alone! Unless you're the God of war in a long trench coat!
Sex: Mentions, weapons: Oh yeah!, Fighting: Another Hell yeah!, Annoying Blondes: affirmative, Comedy: BABY YOU KNOW IT!
Author's Note: This is a journey into my insanity...BEWARE!
Olympus-Fling-A-Ling-Ding Ball
By Electra
The night was here. The night of the big Olympus-Fling-A-Ling-Ding Ball. Every god would be there and Ares wanted someone special, someone wonderful, someone godlike, someone per-Well, to make a long story short.
"I want Xena!" Ares bellowed. He was pacing his room on Olympus in anger. He was as angry as a hornet, a bee, a bare, a mad dog, a...
Electra's Conscious: Elee, you know Ares could NEVER be a dog...shame on you.
Sorry, anyway, he was mad! Aphrodite stood next to her brother rolling her hair up in curlers. "Like, why don't you just ask the warrior babe?" she questioned fastening another pink rod.
"Hey, that's not such a ba...BAD! I'm BAD and she would NEVER want me!" Ares sat down on his pleather chair (once again his allowance was cut and he couldn't have the groovy leather chair with God T.V....poor Ar) and slouched, head in hands.
'Dite walked over and picked up a small doll on the table. "Hey Bro, isn't this like a miniature version of Xe..."
Ares snatched the doll from her hands and hid it in his vest. "that's ummm...that's well...It's a...a," he stuttered, "UNDIEING token of my eternal love for my Xena the Warrior Princess of the known world and of what those pathetic mortals know nothing about...Such as when I ride through C.H.A.K.R.A.M on my motorcycle claiming Xe as my bride and wearing that really cool trench coat and DAMMIT I HATE knowing the FUTURE!"
"Just part of being a god Bro. Now back to what we were speaking of the little Barbie doll can't be an undying token 'cause here's like the total collection of figures." The Love Goddess holds up a doll of Gabrielle that is covered in Band-Aids and a severed neck. Ares grins at the doll.
*Teach her to walk in on a man while he's in the bathroom* he thought.
"Ares...you totally left the door unlocked!"
"Dite!" Ares squealed stomping his foot.
"All right Dude...I guess you were like trippin' or some junk," Ares smiled, "but just wait until Dad hears his son plays with dolls!"
"APHRODITE!" Ares warns.
"Later!" In a burst of pink smoke and bubbles (this is like the pink Lone Ranger!) she disappears.
Ares snorts (allergies again...hmmm...well, kill two villagers and call me in the morning Babe) and then vanishes.
*_*_*_*_*
Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer all walk through a beautiful clearing in Scenic Greece. Which is one of Xena's FAVORITE places and....
"Hey loud voice up there in the sky!" Xena yells into the air.
Voice: Yes Xena?
"Number Alpha I hate this place! Beta: You annoy me...so don't make comments about things that ARE NOT true!"
Voice: But Xena...you're the Warrior Princess of well...Greece.
"BIG DEAL!" Xena screams back raising her sword. Gabrielle who can't hear the voice because she's just a sidekick(come's with the pay cuts) gets worried thinking Ares is playing with the Furies again. She looks around but only sees a cute little bunny...WITH FANGS! (Killer Bunny Returns
"Gabby you OK?" he says feeling the tingle run through his bones as he held Gabrielle there in his mighty arms.
CUT TO: Day's Of Our Lives Theme Song
CUT BACK TO: Joxer/Gabby/irritated Xena
*finally Gabrielle thinks. Now, I can tell someone who will care*
"Joxer?"
"Yeah Gabs?" Joxer replies wanting to jump up and down like a five year old. (Yeah, Gabby hadn't talked to him in the last seven towns)
"What do you think about Zeus?" she asked with a dreamy expression. (Watch out Gabby! If you have day dreams like Xena did in Eternal Bonds there might be trouble)
"Zeus he's well...he's"
"Perfect...I know...Look." Gabrielle holds up the latest edition of the Spartan Post. There is a picture of Zeus, nude. Joxer's jaw drops.
"Since when did the Post display porn?" Xena butts in.
Gabby is irritated. (Imagine the irritating blonde is actually irritated herself! Amazing.) "Xena why don't you just run off to Ares like we all know...hey wait! Xe you missed your que!"
"I did?"
Joxer pipes in, "Yeah Xena, your que was when I say 'Zeus he's well...he's'"
"DAMMIT! See ya later!" Xena dashes into the woods.
CUT TO: XENA RUNNING
Xena runs through a thick maze of vines. * I feel like a rat. Where's my cheese.* Suddenly she stops. *Damn I'm lost*
"ARES!" she screams, arms wide open.
Ares appears with a grin.
"Come to Mama, Snookums!"
"Wha..." Ares doesn't have time to finish sentence because Xena jumps into his arms and kisses him deeply. Gasping for breath, they part. "That's strange I thought it wouldn't be that easy."
((SLAP))
"Xena!"
"That's for calling me easy! You know I'm not!" She stomps her foot to illustrate her point (actually just for the cool sound her boots makes hitting the dirt. Listen for yourself sometime!).
"I didn't do that Xe," ares replies rubbing his face. Xena breaks into a smile and giggles. "Now will you go to the Fling-A-Ling-Ding Ball with me princess?"
((SLAP))
"In this Ares?! You've finally gone over the edge! I could take the abuse, the bad 'I'm your father' jokes, the tricks, but NEVER will I take looking bad from a Hunky-Kingly-Man-O-God like your fine self!"
Ares looked sincere, "I love you Xe..."
"PROVE IT!"
In a flash of sparkles Xena's dress transforms into a slinky, black, sexy gown. Ares grins at his work as tiny little mice in shirts and dresses run across the path. Ares looks at them in annoyance (but not as much annoyance as when Gabby walked in on him and Xe in the bathroom).
*Why didn't I lock the damn bathroom?*
*Why didn't Ares lock the bathroom?*
Suddenly, Xena screams. Ares frowns. "Did I really do that bad?"
"No it's a rat!" Xena jumps into Ares' arms. Ares looks down to see a chubby mouse in a parka standing there.
((ZAP))
Another mouse in an identical parka (different color mind you) runs in screaming "Guss! Gussie! Guss where are you?!"
((ZAP))
Xena looks to Ares with a 'you just saved my life now let's go make out in your father's castle look.' Ares grins devilishly. "Will Olympus do?" Xena giggles as they disappear.
CUT TO: Aphrodie and Cupid on Mt. Olympus.
"Cupie! Cupie hun!"
"Let me guess...you need a date? Who's it to be Mom?"
"That's my boy!"(she said she had a child! Hell froze! Now I have to date Melvin! DAMN!<
CUT TO: Gabby/Joxer/Zeus Nude Pic
"Gabby he's not all that big...I mean look..."
"BUT I LOVE HIM!" Gabrielle screams in defense picking up a si. "I WILL BE WITH HIM!" (Woah! Robot Gab...Like a new Terminator Movie! "I'LL BE BACK." Freaky...)
"Ok, whatever Gabs. Just liste..." Joxer cringes as a warm feeling spreads through him (No, Joxer did not wet his pants! Sick people!
"Jox...ummm, 'Dite what's up with him?"
The Goddess of Love (and don't you forget it) grabs Joxer by the arm and begins to leave.
"'DITE!"
She pauses. "Oh c'mon Gabby. I'll take you o meet Daddy!"
"YIPPEE!"
CUT TO: Olympus-Fling-A-Ling-Ding Ball
The place is beautiful...it's wonderful...it's godlike!
Electra's evil voice: THAT'S WHY IT'S OLYMPUS YOU SEVEN EYED SNAKE! (Wow, so do we change the rules of dice now? 'Snake eyes')
OK. sheish...anyway,it was godlike (voice growls). OK, it was majestical (voice stops).
All the gods were with their dates and in their proper places. Discord and Cupid came together because he needed a date and couldn't find one on short notice. (funny all those love arrows and no one to use em on? Hmmm...I wonder...nah!) Ares and Xena sat on a love seat together (ironic; the God of war and War Princess on a LOVE seat) Ares sat looking at his little Xena doll. Then, she noticed.
((SLAP))
"Xena!"
"Why don't I have an Ares doll, Areypoo?"
Ares smiles and materializes a little replica of himself. Xena takes it kisses him on the cheek and they play war with the two dolls.
CUT TO: GABRIELLE
Gabrielle looks around frantically until she spots her chosen god. She tackles Zeus and plants a BIG WET KISSIE-KISSIE on him! (Shall we worry about Gabby? He is a little too old for her. Zeus: few million Gabby: late 20's, early 30's....nah!) Gabby jumps up, a look of horror on her face (we're talking more horror than walking in on Ar and Xe about to get their groove on in the bathroom!) *Why didn't he just lock the door?!*
Zeus had an ear-to-ear smile. "Your hair is...WHITE! No...brown...I saw...Spartian Post...I saw..."
"Oh that," Zeus said putting a finger to his lips in pleasure, "that was my Just For Men Haircolor. Hey, shall we have lunch tomorrow Gabrielle?"
"NO WAY!" gabby walked away. (Call of the police!)
CUT TO: APHRODITE/JOXER MAKING OUT
Gabrielle walks over to the love goddess and worlds stupidest warrior (Still love ya JOX!).
"Joxer..."
((NO RESPONSE))
"JOXER!"
((NO RESPONSE))
"JOXER!!!!"
Joxer broke his kiss with the love goddess, his skin a bright pink. Aphrodite pushed him aside to address the young Bard. "Gabby, listen...Joxer is mine for the night! So like totally butt out!"
Gabby was shocked (even more shocked than gabby walking...you know the drill...). "You're the Goddess of Love!"
"There is totally more than one way to have love...spiteful, revengeful, jealous, and then the ultimate ArXe Love."
"ArXe love??"
"Yeah, I couldn't figure out where to put em."
Gabby is mad. She lunges at 'Dite screaming threats of murder. 'Dite simply vanishes and then reappears. Gabby stands only to look down at a glowing pink light around her wrist. Pink, fuzzy handcuffs are holding her to the table. "HANDCUFFS?!!"
"Oh yeah...Kinky love too." Dite grabs Joxer's arm and pulls him away from the blonde.
CUT TO: Hera/Najara
Hera and Najara appear in the middle of the room. They split ways Hera goes to Zeus who automatically begins to speak of Gabrielle. Najara just goes to Gabrielle.
"Gabrielle."
Gabby jumps. "Najara?"
"That's right! The Jinn told me that we would be together...that we were destined to be with one another!"
Gabby begins to scratch her arm (not because of the fuzz...she wants out...NOW)
"That's impossible!"
"No! Look, A sign from them!"
Najara holds up a picture of Them both in front of a Lard Burger stand in Athens.
"Proves nothing Najara...you probably used a computer to tamper with that photo!"
"What's a computer?"
"Never mi...then again, what's a photo? Hmmm...oh well...still NO proof Najara...sorry walk away...The Jinn Lied"
Najara stumbles back.
Jinn #1: Don't listen to that damn bard!
Jinn #2: Yeah, we're here to help you and all that jazz and you're giving in!
Jinn #3: ((Burps)) 'Cuse Me
Jinn #2: Here's what you do...
Jinn #1: Get an ax and slice her hand...
Jinn #3: Take her away...
Jinn #2: AND DO IT FAST! Gladiator is about to start on HBO!
((The Jinn give a hint of the Fates. Could they be related?!!))
Najara snaps out of it and smiles. "Don't worry Gabby...I'll have the saw here in no time." Then she leaves.
Gabby exclaims, "SAW?!" and then tries to force the pink fuzzy cuff off her arm.
Hera walks up to her and Gabby falls to her knees begging forgiveness for her sin. Hera let's out an 'oh please you are so pathetic laugh.'
"I am?!"
"Nevermind Gabrielle...Rise...I'm just here to set you free."
The Bard rises. "Sure you're not mad...Are you?"
"No, I'm used to my husband being a pimp by now. Just remember, I get 10% of everything you make as a profit off of him...Deal?"
"I'M NOT A HOOKER!"
"Sure dear. Here, have a peacock feather...for good luck." Hera causes the cuffs to vanish and walks back over to Zeus.
*Damn that woman scares me. Now to go get my main man Joxer!*
CUT TO: Ares and Xena
Ares and Xena are tongue wrestling on the couch and speaking in some foreign language that no one recognizes (ArXeian). During their fiasco they fail to notice Discord leaving a knocked out Cupid and squirting the food with a strange red goo. Holding the bottle up the label reads "Heinz Ketchup." She giggles evily and stands on a chair, "Let's eat!"
Everyone is happy to join forgetting their previous engagements and scarfing down the strange food. Comments of the strange taste ring through the air. After supper everyone is back to normal. Discord walks back over to Cupid, punches him, and plops down in her seat. "Foiled Again!" (Woah evil chick here...like that was some deep shit!)
Groaning and moaning (hey, that rhymed!) come from the janitor's closet (wonder who).
CUT TO: Najara
Returns to where she left Gabrielle. "Gabrielle! Where are you? Xena! Xena took you again...I will kill her!"
CUT TO: Janitor's Closet Door
Door swings open and 'Dite and Joxer walk out. Aphrodite's hair is like an afro-puff and Joxer is in that dreamy state like Gabby was earlier (Eternal Bonds strikes again! Why do they like watching Ares and Xena having sex so much? They should start their own channel! Livin La Viva Loca!).
CUT TO: Ricky Martin Video
She'll push and pull you down Livin' la Viva Loca ((People dancing)) She never tastes the water makes you order French champagne And once you've had a taste of her you'll never be the same And She'll make you go insane! ((Tight leather))<
CUT BACK TO: APHRODITE/JOXER
Gabby runs up with her sais and tries to stab them into 'Dite's chest but the goddess turns them into fresh cut daisies (WOW 1-800-Call-Dite for all your gardening needs!) Gabby screams in defeat for the second time. Najara walks up and grabs her arm. "Let's go Gabrielle! The Jenn only have 20 minutes until Gladiator comes on HBO!"
Jinn #3: Beer too!
"And they need beer!"
"NO! Xena! Save ME!"
"I'll fight the Warrior Woman to the death!"
"No need," Xena pipes up, "take her...free of charge...I know you'll keep my bard safe!" (this sounds like it's her mother giving Gabby away to a husband...hmmmmm...)
"But Xe..." Najara grabs Gabby's arm and runs with her. Ares and Xena make the final lip-lock of the ball (Not night, that is if you chicos catch my el drifto).
CUT TO: Summary Of One Year Later
To make it all short (for good-byes are so hard for me) Aphrodite had Joxer's children whom they named Xear and Arxe (scary huh?). Gabby and Najara live in their dream home...The Lard burger. Gabby tells the children stories and Najara scares them with her friends the Jinn. If the costumers don't submit to "the light" they are killed. (Original Najara...real Original) Cupid and Discord stayed together 'cause they could play hookie to get serious nookie (another rhyme!). Zeus became "Olympus Pimp" and lived happily with his wife and two-dinar hos. Ares and Xena lived together on Olympus and ruled over all mankind when Zeus and Hera weren't looking. And Last...
The Jinn made it home safely and saw Gladiator on HBO, with beer:)
And they all lived Happily Ever After.
The End (Don't you hate it when authors add 'the end?' It's like 'do you think I'm an idiot? I see the last line! STUPID!')
Joxer's ego was enlarged during the making of this story. The Jinn were harmed in no way.
Please e-mail the author of this story with your comments. Electra1634@aol.com