Response to Tali’s Challenge:
· What if Kevin Smith was Ares, God of War? (For story purpose, he isn't married with children)
· Something happens between Kevin Smith and Lucy Lawless (again for the story there is no husband or kids, sorry Rob)
· Renee O'Connor and Lucy Lawless are bridesmaids at a wedding
· A piece of the set falls on Kevin Sorbo, making him lose his memory for a while.
Little Note: This story is purely for fun, and to keep the people from the Ares and Xena shippers club from going crazy!!
Disclaimer: I get no profit from this story. The character... ECT. As well as the story idea, belong to ME!! The characters Ares, Gabrielle, Hercules, Callisto, Joxer and Xena and do not belong to me! And I am just borrowing them. No copyright infringement intended! Lucy Lawless, Hudson Leick, Kevin Smith, Ted Raimi, Renee O’Connor and Kevin Sorbo belong to themselves. Hope they don’t get mad at me! The Producer and Writer and Director are very nice and hard working people I’m sure, I’m just playing with the positions! Please don’t get mad at me! I’m just borrowing them too! PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T SUE ME!!!!
Author's Note: Wow that was a pretty long disclaimer wasn't it?? I hope I got everything in though; I don't want anybody to take this story the wrong way! Hope I didn’t kill this story! And if I did... TALI MADE ME WRITE IT!! LOL, blame her! Completed at 6,492 words, 17 pages (August 1, 2006).
Dedications: This story is for Kat, Illy, Barb, Noie, Liz, SR, Ephiny4, Sara, Tali, Tareena, Maureen, Megan, Mel, Eris, GOM, Grey, Lily, Xtreme, GsOW, Jason, Ephy, Kor, Jules, Destiny, Rebecca, for everyone I missed, and for everyone at the shippers club for their support, and for liking my stories, even when I didn't! (Man, I really should alphabetize)
Warnings: Sex: No (Kissing only!). Subtext: Nope. Language: None. Violence: Nada.
Oh Yeah: Seeing as I couldn’t think of an episode with all these characters in it I have decided this is going to be a X:WP MOVIE! All characters in it, like a reunion of our favorites. So, that’s where this whole thing takes place. Maybe if you’re good and I get feedback I’ll do a story based on my idea for a Xena movie?
Rated: PG-13, I know squeaky clean, freaking weird for me!
Summary: Reply to Tali’s Challenge. Umm, do I need to tell you more? Tali MADE me do it!
Song for this Fiction: ‘Most girls want a man with the mean green. I don’t wanna dance if he can’t be everything I dream of, a man that understands real love!’ Pink from the song ‘I’m not every girl.’
Song Choice Note: Felt like it.
More Author’s Notes: I did a poll… Okay, I asked Tali, and she said that Kev=Kevin Sorbo, and that Kevin=Kevin Smith, and of course Kevin Sorbo=Kevin Sorbo. So yeah, that’s it then, what Tali says goes! ;)
Now for the story!!!!! *Everyone still here claps*
Wait... God of War?
Lucy Lawless, Kevin Smith, Kevin Sorbo, and Renee O’Connor were planning Hudson Leick’s wedding to Ted Raimi. Renee and Lucy were the bridesmaids, and were having a fun time planning the wedding with Hudson. Kevin Sorbo simply couldn’t understand why Hudson felt the need to plan this on the set, he was still grumbling, “Couldn’t we go to her apartment or something?”
He was momentarily distracted from his whining by Hudson and Kevin Smith suddenly screaming, “LOOK OUT!”
But they weren’t quick enough; a piece of set fell on Kevin Sorbo. Followed by the set handler’s nervous apology, “Oops, sorry! Don’t fire me!”
Everyone ran to check on Kevin Sorbo, Lucy, Hudson and Kevin lifted the set off of Kevin Sorbo’s head. And Renee tried to sit him up, “Kev? Can you hear me?”
Kevin Sorbo looked up, “Who are you? Where’s my mommy. I WANT MY MOMMY!” He then proceeded to throw a temper tantrum while still screaming, "MOMMY."
While the cast was contemplating this strange turn of events, and wondering if there was an insurance clause in their contracts, Kevin Sorbo stopped screaming. He then looked at Renee very strangely; lay his head on her lap, and murmured, “Pretty woman!”
Wildly panicked, Renee looked at Lucy, Hudson and Kevin for help. Hudson shrugged, trying not to laugh, and also knowing that it would do no good, even if she wanted to help. “I can’t help, that guy’s huge!”
Lucy had tears in her eyes; she was trying so hard not to laugh. “He likes you Renee, go for it...”
Kevin was chuckling, but he did manage to get out, “Oh c’mon, Renee, that’s cute...”
Balling her fists, Renee glared at her so-called friends, getting angry at their refusals to help. “This ISN’T CUTE! C’mon, I have a husband! He’ll KILL me!”
Rolling her eyes in a long-suffering way, Lucy surveyed the situation. After a moment’s deliberation, she sighed and nodded. “C’mon Kevin, we can lift him… I think.”
Kevin shook his head but walked over to Renee and Kevin Sorbo and took one of Kevin Sorbo’s arms, Lucy walked over as well and took the other. They counted to three and hefted him up. Lucy gasped, “God! How much does he weigh?”
Attempting to remain calm and failing, Kevin let out his own startled little gasp and strained look. “Too much - we have to remind him to go on a diet when he’s back to himself.”
Finally free of the burdensome weight of her friend, Renee smiled and got up, “Thank god!” She paused to glare at the others in the room, “You sure took long enough!”
Noticing that Lucy and Kevin were standing there, awkwardly, as though they had not a clue what to do with Kev or how to move him, Hudson wandered over to them and attempted to help. “Here, I’ll help you two. Wow, he DOES need to lose some weight!”
Kevin Sorbo looked up suddenly, snapping out of his previously catatonic state, and reached out for Renee, who backed up in response. “Pretty lady? No, I want to stay with pretty lady!”
Lucy, Hudson and Kevin tried to hold Kevin Sorbo, but didn’t have much luck, they were still having hard enough of a time just trying to keep him steady. They may have been super-strong in the show, but some things were beyond normal people. Kev reached out and grabbed Renee’s wrist, in some sort of bizarrely fast motion. “Stay, pretty lady.”
Renee bit her lip to keep from complaining, deciding that perhaps it was best if she kept him mobile and saved her friends’ broken backs. “Ahh... Okay, Kev, sure. We’re just gonna go to the hospital, okay?”
Twisting quickly, Kev managed to get out of the hold he had been in and stood up straight, taking Renee’s hand, “Yeah, okay.” He suddenly pointed at Kevin, Lucy and Hudson, “I don’t like them, make them leave.”
Pleadingly, Renee looked at her friends, hoping they weren’t actually considering leaving her with a delusional Kevin Sorbo. Hudson realized Renee’s worst fears though, by saying, “Go ahead, Renee, he likes you. You’ll be fine and it’ll be a hell of a lot easier than us carrying him!”
Resigned to her fate for the sake of all her friends, Renee scowled at them, “You heartless people! C’mon, Kev. We’re gonna go away from the bad people and to a doctor!”
Hudson laughed at the scene Kev and Renee made, “Come back in time to get fitted for your bridesmaid dress, Renee! Oh, I guess I’ll have to scrap Kev’s invite. I wonder if Sam ‘ll still want to come?”
Shaking his head at both the recent weird events and Hudson’s most important worry being wedding invites, Kevin tried not to laugh, “That was weird, somebody should fire that set director.”
Quite abruptly, Lucy exclaimed, “Oh, his WIFE! We have to call her!”
She pulled out her cell phone and dialed. “Hello, Sam? It’s Lucy Lawless. I work with your husband? Yeah, hi. Umm, there’s been an accident on set. No. Nothing serious. He’s just being taken to a hospital now... No, no, he just seems to have lost his memory for a bit. No I didn- yeah. He’s with Renee O’Connor… she works with us too. No. Yeah, I’m sure the doctors will have him okay in no time. Yeah. You’ll be right here? Okay, yeah, somebody will take you to the doctor’s from here. Yeah. Okay, bye.”
Noting the frustrated look on Lucy’s face and the strangling motions she kept making, Kevin cautiously asked, “Everything okay?”
Sighing, Lucy shook her head and tried to calm down. “No, she was yelling at me the whole time! I tried to tell her it wasn’t my fault... Hudson, would you mind taking her to the hospital? I really don’t want her yelling at me.”
Still mentally going over seating charts, Hudson laughed, “Yeah, sure, no problem Lucy. We’ll catch up with you?”
Shrugging, Lucy put her phone back and searched for her car keys. “Yeah. Kevin, want to come with me and save parking?”
Casting one last glance to make sure that nobody had noticed that the entire main cast leaving, Kevin nodded. “Sure, Lucy.”
In fact, the director and producer were both sound asleep in their chairs. Various other members of the staff appeared to be engrossed in comics and superhero magazines - few had even bothered to look up at the crash from the scenery falling on Kevin Sorbo.
~(*)~
The nurse looked at the people in the waiting room. She blinked and shrugged, looking down at her charts. “Umm... who are you here to see?”
Stepping forward, Sam spoke, ignoring the rest of the people with her. “My husband, Kevin Sorbo. He’s having a check because he has lost his memory.”
The nurse smiled dutifully, “Oh... I thought Mrs. Sorbo was already in there. Hmm. Weird." She seemed to shake off the slightly unprofessional and bored tone that she had been sporting, "And who are the rest of you?”
Hudson spared Lucy and said, “The woman with Kevin Sorbo is Renee O’Connor. She works with us, and Kev seemed to want her to watch him when he lost his memory. Oh, and I’m Hudson Leick. This is Lucy Lawless and Kevin Smith. We all work with Kevin Sorbo.”
The nurse shrugged. “Okay." She typed something into her computer, probably logging them all in as visitors. After a moment, she looked up, curiosity splayed over her features. "Can I ask... why are you all dressed for Halloween?”
Simultaneously Hudson, Kevin and Lucy looked down, groaning and exclaiming, “Oh, crap!”
The first to recover, Lucy smiled sweetly; hey, being an actress DOES have its upsides! “We were just filming a scene for a movie.”
The Nurse shrugged, she still thought these people were weird (needless to say she didn’t watch TV). “Okay. Mrs. Sorbo has already gone in to check on her husband, you can go in as well, I suppose.” Honestly, she wasn't that keen on keeping these strange people around in her waiting room. That was what the on-call nurses had to deal with. She had a desk job.
They shrugged and walked away mumbling, “Damn, why did I forget to change...”
“Snap your fingers.... not that hard..."
“If this screws up my wedding, I swear!”
~(*)~
Renee let out a well-practiced (Think Gabrielle here folks) whine when she saw her fellow actor/actresses. “LUUUUCY… KEEEVINNN.... HUUUDSOOONNN! You LEFT me to deal with this! UGH! And I didn’t even have a chance to CHANGE, I look like a TOTAL DORK!”
Lucy, who had listened to that while playing Xena for years, simply raised an eyebrow and deadpanned, “Can’t come up with any new material, Renee, or should I say GABRIELLE.”
Scowling at her friend, Renee fake-laughed, “Ha, ha, very funny.”
Hudson walked up to Renee and whispered conspiratorially, “PMS?”
Renee laughed, “Probably! Sorry guys don’t mind me! So, who called Sam?”
Sam looked up from where she was sitting by her husband’s bed and scowled at the people that were sharing the room with her, “HER.” She pointed to Lucy.
Having had more than enough dirty looks thrown at her from Kev’s wife, Lucy threw her hands up in the air, “What?! What did I do to you?”
Renee poked Lucy and whispered, “Love scene...”
Hudson laughed, catching Renee’s comment with the ease of one who had spent way too much time around the other two females. “Whoa, Sam, a little jealous, aren’t we? He’s an actor, aren’t you used to that by now?”
Sam scowled at Hudson, trying to place the woman and make sure that she hadn’t had any love scenes with her husband. “No.”
A mischievous glint was in Lucy’s eyes as she smiled and motioned to Kevin Smith. “Kevin, come here for a sec.”
Knowing that look well and trying to figure out what she had planned, Kevin eyed Lucy warily, “Why...”
Lucy rolled her eyes, exasperated with everyone at the moment. “Just come here!”
Kevin walked over to Lucy, and his serious expression moved to a startled one when she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him full on. After a minute or two she pulled away, leaving a very stunned Kevin to just stand there. Desperately trying not to mention how much she ENJOYED when she had to kiss Kevin for scenes Lucy looked at Sam and said. “See. Nothing big. We’re all just friends on the shows.”
Trying not to laugh at the stunned look that Kevin was currently sporting, Renee added, “Yep, with the occasional kiss. Part of being an actor or actress.”
Hudson did laugh, noticing Lucy blushing ever so slightly. “Yep, that’s how I met my fiancée.”
Shaking himself back to reality, Kevin looked first at Sam, then to Lucy, groaning, “You and your bright ideas!”
Lucy shrugged, trying hard not to smile, “Oops!”
Suddenly Kevin Sorbo started to stir in bed, and all squabbles were forgotten, for a time. “S-Sam?” He spoke, noticing his wife first.
Hudson giggled, similar to her Callisto laugh, “Oh, he’s okay! My wedding will be SAVED! YAY! Hi, Kev! Ted will be SO happy you can still be his best man!”
Kevin Sorbo looked around the room at the sound of Hudson’s voice, realizing that he and his wife were not alone. “Lucy? Hudson? Kevin? Renee?”
Sam stared at the people, still slightly irritated but feeling like she had been a tad bit irrational in her previous glares of death. “Okay, thanks for getting my husband here, can you please leave now?”
Everyone nodded and left the room, not anxious to test Kev’s wife on her patience. As soon as they were out of the room Hudson pulled out a cell phone and dialed, “Hello? Teddy! Oh, thank god you’re there! Kev was hurt on set, yeah he’s fine, and yes, he can still be at the wedding. I’ll be home in a few minutes, okay? Okay, love you too Teddy-Poo!! Buhbye!”
Renee rolled her eyes and looked to Kevin, making a slight gagging gesture, “Can you BELIEVE that?”
Kevin raised an eyebrow and then looked to Lucy, questioning, “Can you BELIEVE Renee is complaining?”
Renee looked insulted for a moment before Lucy explained, “You and your husband were like that for months too, Renee.”
Suddenly remembering all the wonderful times with her husband, Renee smiled. “Oh, okay! Let’s go then!”
~(*)~
Kevin, Lucy, Hudson and Renee arrived back on set and were about to head to their dressing rooms when they remembered they still had more filming to do. Renee put her head in her hands, “This is NOT my day!”
Hudson patted her friend’s shoulder, “I know. I don’t think anyone is having a good day today.”
Lucy sighed, the leather starting to bug her slightly after way too much time in it. “Back to work!”
While the women headed for the set Kevin looked around for the producer, director and writer. The producer was in the lunchroom eating. The writer had apparently called it a day and gone home, and the director was napping in his chair. The producer and director hastily got on set seeing the angered actors. The director looked around and after a moment of thought, asked, “Where’s Kevin Sorbo? We need him for this scene!”
Hudson explained, wondering if the directors ever noticed a thing, “Kev’s at the hospital, a set accident. Jump ahead to a scene he’s not in.”
The producer stomped his foot and whined, “But we need him now! This is going to throw back shooting! How long is he there for?!?”
Lucy and Hudson stood in their best I’m-an-evil-warrior-that-can-kick-your-ass-if-you-screw-with-me looks and the producer sighed. “Fine, let’s skip the ‘sidekick’s and hero’s saving the village’ scene. Umm... How about the ‘evil warriors’ scene?”
The director nodded, “That should work. Wait.... Where‘s Ted Raimi?”
Renee headed off stage, waiting for her cue. Hudson looked around for her husband-to-be. “I don’t know! Teddy-Poo?”
At that moment, seemingly unable to resist coming when Hudson called, Ted came skidding into the room, wearing his Joxer outfit. “Sorry, guys, this thing is really hard to run in! Which scene are we shooting?”
The director sighed; this had interrupted his nap? “The ‘evil warriors’ scene. Is everyone ready?”
Kevin and Lucy walked off stage, joining Renee in waiting for their cue. Ted assumed a Joxer pose and waited for the director to say ready. Hudson stood just next to him, trying to blend in for the moment, they would add in her entrance with special effects later. The cameraman nodded and the director yelled “ACTION!”:
Joxer unpacks his things quickly, because he doesn’t really own many things, and sighs, believing that the others are probably discussing everything right now and not including him. “Again, they never include me!”
Joxer wanders around the room, brooding, “Why did they have to keep me out of things?”
Callisto appears in a flash of fire with screams echoing in the background, she is smiling. She pitches her voice to a sympathetic tone, cocking her head in an, ‘I’m thinking’ posture. “But it’s so simple, Joxer. They kept you out of the fight, because you’re not ‘hero material’ and I’m inclined to agree with their decision.”
Joxer frowns, trying to figure it out. “What do you mean by that....”
He looks up, not until just now fully realizing that this is the goddess Callisto here, “Callisto? What do you want?” He’s instantly nervous and wary of her.
Callisto smiles and circles Joxer in a predatory manner, while trying to be sweet. “You promised me allegiance, Joxer, or have you forgotten?” She states, as if it is that simple. “I am here to command a follower.”
Joxer gulps and looks nervously around the room, trying not to think about the lithe blonde brushing against him as she circles ever closer, “What do you want, goddess Callisto?”
Callisto pulls out a dagger, stops pacing so she is face to face with Joxer, puts the dagger to his throat and says, still smiling. “What I want? Why I would think it’s obvious, Joxer,” She pauses for effect. “I want YOU.”
Joxer gulps again, backing away a little so the blade isn’t quite so close to his throat. He manages to squeak, his voice just not cooperating, “Me?”
Callisto sighs and twirls the dagger absently. A disgusted look crosses her almost innocent looking face. “Yes, Joxer ‘the Mighty,’ you. I’m going to make a warrior out of you, make people fear your name.”
Joxer manages to get his voice back to normal, by some miracle, looking at Callisto, innocent and confused. “Why? For what price?”
Callisto smiles, an insane glint in her eyes, “Well now that you mention it....”
The director yelled, “Good job! I think that scene actually works! We’ll go to commercial there. Then when we get back we’ll have the next scene. Lucy, Kevin, you ready? Good! Let’s go people! We’ve already lost time!”
Hudson smiled, “Teddy-Poo! Isn’t this great? I mean I know you like to play comedy, but now we can be on the same side!”
Ted nodded and both of them walked off the stage rolling their eyes at the producer. Lucy and Kevin walked on stage and waited for the cameraman to get ready. Lucy whispered, “Why did we ever agree to do this?”
Kevin shook his head, along with Hudson, who had heard her. For a great reunion movie, it was turning into one underpaid disaster after another. The producer watched the cameraman with anger as it took the other man three times as long as it should have to set up. The director had a vain in his neck that was starting to bulge, “Are you READY? Good! And… ACTION!”:
Xena glares at the God of War, “What do YOU want?”
Ares grins, mischief in his eyes, “Do I have to ‘want’ something?”
Almost bitterly, Xena sighs, “You always want something...”
Ares’ grin falters for a moment and then it is back as usual. He moves closer to the warrior, “You know me too well...”
Taking the chance offered to her, Xena rolls her eyes, deadpanning, “Not really. You’re just so predictable.”
As she expects, Ares stops moving towards her, “Really? What do I want then?”
Xena taps her foot impatiently, “How am I supposed to know?!”
Xena turns around and waits for him to leave. A voice right next to her ear says, “If you’re nice I’ll tell you...”
Xena spins around and finds herself face to face with the God of War. She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him deeply, he wraps his arms around her waist.
From the other side of the room the director yelled, the vain in his neck was throbbing again. “CUT!!”
After a few minutes the producer yelled, taking over the where the director had stopped to resume his nap, “CUT, CUT, CUT!!”
Finally, Kevin and Lucy broke apart; which had nothing to do with the director - they needed air, damn it. Hudson and Ted were laughing and Renee was looking on muttering something along the lines of, “They forgot my CUE!”
Kevin looked at the producer and asked nonchalantly, “Problem?”
The director looked towards Lucy and said, irritable about waking from his short-lived nap again and actually having to pay attention to the conversation. “Lucy! You’re supposed to slap him, not kiss him! Doesn’t anybody read the scripts?”
Lucy shrugged, a twinkle in her eyes, “I didn’t feel like it.”
The producer muttered, “First with Ted and Hudson.... now this! This movie is NEVER going to get off the ground.”
Take 37:
Xena paces her room like a caged animal; she has been unable to get her stone out of her mind since they have stopped. “Damn it, why did Gabrielle have to make us stop!?”
Of course, she has been thinking of her stone before, except now she is worried about those strange monsters they killed. Knowing the only person who might know she will not call, Xena settles back into her pacing route, hoping that Gabrielle will be ready to leave the next morning.
A voice says, even before the god himself has appeared fully. “Hello, my dear.”
Xena glares at the God of War, “What do YOU want?”
Ares grins, mischief in his eyes “Do I have to ‘want’ something?”
Almost bitterly, Xena sighs, “You always want something...”
Ares’ grin falters for a moment and then it is back as usual. He moves closer to the warrior, “You know me too well...”
Taking the chance offered to her, Xena rolls her eyes, deadpanning, “Not really. You’re just so predictable.”
As she expects, Ares stops moving towards her, “Really? What do I want then?”
Xena taps her foot impatiently, “How am I supposed to know?!”
Xena turns around and waits for him to leave. A voice right next to her ear says, “If you’re nice I’ll tell you...”
Xena spins around and finds herself face to face with the God of War. In one fluid movement she steps away and slaps him, hard but not hard enough to make him move. “Talk...”
Ares chuckles, rubbing his jaw, “Now Xena, that’s not nice.”
Xena smiles, “How about this? Talk or leave before I cram my boot half way up your----”
Ares steps closer to her again, not deterred in the least, “Always so HOSTILE, my dear.”
They stand a hair’s breath away from each other; Ares raises his hand to Xena’s face. Xena is about to say something when Gabrielle barges in, “Xena! Joxer’s--- XENA!?!”
Xena steps away from Ares abruptly before she faces toward Gabrielle, Xena’s eyes clearly display an ‘oops’ look. She then turns to her blonde friend, walking away from Ares, “As I was saying... Get out before I---”
With a flash of blue light the God of War disappears, shaking his head almost sadly and not letting her finish her sentence. Gabrielle asks, staring at her friend suspiciously, “What was that, Xena? What was HE doing here?”
Xena rolls her eyes, supposedly at the God of War who left. “He didn’t tell me, probably just bored and harassing me like usual.”
At Gabrielle’s skeptical look, the warrior hastily changes the subject, “You mentioned Joxer?”
Gabrielle’s eyes have a panicked look in them as she practically pulls her friend out of the room, “He’s gone! I don’t know what we’re going to do! He’s not in his room, you know how Hercules was depending on him with Iolaus... you know... gone...”
Xena focuses on the situation at hand, all other thoughts forgotten, “I know Gabrielle, it must have-- We’ll get to the bottom of this.”
Her eyes take on a feral gleam as she feels strongly that his disappearance is linked to her missing stone. “I promise, I won’t let anything happen to Joxer.”
The director yells, “And CUT to commercial! Perfect! And it only took.... what? Twenty-nine takes for you to slap him and let him leave, Lucy? Then only another eight takes for Renee to stop laughing and look upset?! I’d say this is just great people!”
The director sounded sarcastic. Hudson, who had put up with the director and producer while she was first dating Ted said, “Just remember, we can quit this movie.... And then where would you be? A couple thousand down, I believe.”
The director and producer both sighed and admitted, “All right, you’re right! Let’s call this a wrap for today.”
Hudson, Joxer, Kevin, Lucy, and Renee all sighed in relief, drudging off to their dressing rooms and looking forward to being home and relaxing.
~(*)~
Lucy, Renee, Adrienne Wilkinson, and Alexandra Tydings stood on stools in a shop, being fitted for their bridesmaids’ dresses. After cussing out the people fitting them repeatedly, they seem to have found something to everyone’s tastes.
The dresses were a deep purple, off the shoulder, straight across cut. There was a fabric purple rose in the front just above the bust, and the top angled down to the waist on one side and the hip on the other. In the back, it bustled up, giving it a feminine look. The front of the skirt was crinkly like there was a crinoline underneath and flowed down to the ankles.
The four women stood looking at their reflections in the mirrors - next they were going to get their hair styled but not until Hudson made sure her gown and hair was absolutely perfect. There was a small cough and they all turned to see Hudson in her gown with her hair styled up.
The gown was creamy and complimented her skin and figure perfectly. All present had to admit that Hudson looked stunning, and admit it they did. Lucy exclaimed, “Hudson, you look wonderful!”
Adrienne agreed, “Ted’s going to faint when he sees you!”
Renee nodded; all she would say was, “Wow!”
Alexandra, for the fun of it, pitched her voice to Aphrodite’s and said, “Ooh, hun, you look sooo totally cool! I give you my total approval, and I’m, like, totally the goddess of luv, so I should know!”
Rolling her eyes at her friend, Hudson squealed excitedly, “Alex, please, I’m nervous enough without worrying about looking like a hooker!!”
All five friends laughed at this, and Adrienne said, “Wow, you’re going to make such a great bride! I still can’t believe you’re getting married, this is so cool!”
Lucy nodded and rushed to hug her friend, quickly followed by the other three, with “I’m sooo happy for you!” running abundant.
Finally Renee teased, “Hey, Lucy, maybe you’ll be next!”
Lucy laughed, a small blush tingeing at her cheeks, “Whatever do you mean, Renee? I keep my relationships separate from work.”
Hudson nodded, “Uh huh, suuuure… so did I.”
Adrienne rolled her eyes, “Well, most of us are better at that than you!”
Hudson giggled her Callisto giggle, “Oh, shut up, or I swear I’ll bolt you and ruin that pretty dress!”
All five women collapsed into a fit of laughter, before finally composing themselves enough to go get their hair done.
~(*)~
Meanwhile:
Both Kevins, Joel Tobeck, and Sam Raimi were waiting nervously for Ted to actually emerge from the bathroom. They fiddled with their simple, black tuxedos, wondering what was keeping the man of the hour.
Finally, Sam Raimi hesitantly knocked on the door, "Bro? You need help with something?"
"Just… Just a minute," was the nervous reply.
The Kevins shrugged at each other, more than willing to leave the stressed-out groom to the best man - his brother. Joel hung back, trying to avoid being drawn into any sort of best-manly duty. Kevin Sorbo was still nursing his wound from the set - a small bag of frozen peas pressed against his head and his eye purpling quite unpleasantly. His wife had insisted he bring the peas, so that he could hide them in his coat pocket when not in use.
After a few more minutes, where Sam Raimi seemed to have more or less given up on his brother, Ted emerged from behind the very locked door. His hair was, unfortunately, still the length that Joxer wore it due to the movie. It was, however, slicked back carefully, so that it managed to look much less scruffy than normal. His tuxedo was on but his tie was crooked.
Kevin Smith stepped forward, motioning his friend to look up impatiently. Once Ted had done so, he fiddled with the tie slightly until it was perfectly straight. The kind of straight that could normally only be obtained with a ruler. "There you go, Ted. We were afraid you'd got cold feat!"
The assembled men laughed at the joke, but it was weak laughter. Surely it couldn't have taken that much time to do his hair? Ted offered a smile at his friends, "Thanks, Kevin." He noticed the slightly less than sincere laughs his friends were sporting. "Naw, guys, just wanted to make sure I looked my best for Hudson."
Once everyone had fiddled one last time with sleeves and ties and collars, the men were ready to collect the bridesmaids and inform them that the ceremony could be started. Apparently, the women were finishing up the last touches on their dresses.
~(*)~
The wedding itself was something of a hodgepodge. Many of the attendees were from the cast and crew of Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: the Legendary Journeys. The rest comprised an assortment of family members and friends, stretching from across New Zealand and the United States.
Since the wedding was taking place in New Zealand, many of the American guests seemed quite flummoxed by the weather and were, consequently, dressed as tourists. Complete with Hawaiian printed shirts and visors. Neither Hudson nor Ted had ever claimed that their relations had the best taste. Meanwhile, many of the crew from the shows had donned their best tuxedos and gowns, saved for imaginary awards ceremonies that they never got to attend and drug out for the wedding.
In the middle of all this, the bridesmaids were lined up along the aisle leading up to the main podium, with the best men directly across from them - a brief flash of sanity amongst the mess. Renee and Kevin Sorbo occupied the respective positions of Matron of Honor and Best Man at the head of the line. In the center of the podium stood Ted Raimi, framed by his fellow actors and actresses, his brother, and a rather large blow up of the Xena: Warrior Princess logo.
Actually, as a testament to the show that had given them the opportunity to find true love, Hudson and Ted had opted to turn their wedding into an ode de la Xena: Warrior Princess. Directly opposite the podium, where Hudson would be entering momentarily, stood a curtain with a huge blow up shot of Callisto and Joxer covering it - a promo from the new movie.
A little girl ran out of the curtain, all blonde hair and smiles, and began throwing mock pink hearts and ribbons - somewhat similar to some of the entrances Aphrodite had made in the show. The little girl was, in fact, Hudson's niece, and not a set extra - though she could have easily passed for one of them.
A scream echoed across the room, easily recognizable to those from the shows as Callisto's. The flower girl nearly fainted, dashing off to the side and throwing her basket up haphazardly. Everyone turned expectantly to the photographed curtain. The orchestra caught their cue and started up the music, as Hudson emerged to walk down the aisle.
The familiar strains of Joxer the Mighty followed the blushing bride as she made her way up to the podium. And, perhaps as could only be expected, that was when all manner of chaos broke out.
Kevin Sorbo moved to discretely tuck his peas back into his pocket, ducking his head to maneuver them in as inconspicuously as possible. One of the tacks that had been holding the wooden Xena: Warrior Princess sign snapped, flying down and hitting Kevin Sorbo in the head - thankfully, pointy side up.
The assembled crowd gasped as those closest rushed to assure themselves that Kev was, in fact, okay. Hudson stopped, only moments away from ascending her marriage steps. And Kev, he blinked up at the crowd and promptly demanded, "Where's Iolaus?!"
Everyone blinked. Lucy Lawless rolled her eyes, hoping beyond hope that such a little tack, even if from such a high height, hadn't managed to damage Kev's brain any further. But there were more pressing matters to attend to.
That little tack had been the keystone in a series of tacks that held up the large wooden logo. Suddenly the wedding party had to duck for cover as sharp tacks started raining down on them. Hudson leaped to the side, losing her veil in the process, while everyone else huddled low, trying to escape the podium without falling off. Nobody was willing to look up in case one of those pointy sides should come down.
A cracking noise echoed, as the guests began to scream, warnings and wailings, "LOOK OUT!"
The Xena sign was falling. It was large enough and heavy enough to do serious damage to nearly the entire wedding party. But the logo never finished its rapid descent.
Once the volley of tacks had ceased, the wedding party glanced up. The sign was suspended in mid air, slowly levitating back into place, and the only people nearby who weren't actively cowering were Alexandra Tydings, Joel Tobeck and Kevin Smith. It was the kind of thing that one only saw in, say, the shows themselves.
People were stunned. Many of the Hawaiian shirted relatives fled for the exit and relative safety of New Zealand sun. Some of the crew ducked under their chairs, terribly afraid they were about to be smited in their nicest clothing.
As Renee hurried to help Hudson gather herself back together, and Sam Raimi and Adrienne desperately tried to hold onto Kevin Sorbo, who appeared somewhat convinced that he was, in fact, Hercules, Lucy and Ted turned toward Alexandra and Kevin Smith.
Ted blinked, brushing off a stray piece of hair that had come undone from its perfect do in the excitement, "So, uh, there wouldn't be a logical explanation for this, would there? Involving wires and practical jokes and all that?"
Lucy was already more than convinced that the practical explanations weren't going to cut it. "Tell me this isn't what I think it is?"
Only once the sign was in place, secured much more firmly than with tacks, did Alexandra, Joel and Kevin exchange guilty looks. It was Alexandra who spoke, "It kinda is." She shrugged apologetically, wrinkling up her nose, "Sorry, Teddy, no wires this time. But it's better than your insides on that pretty tuxedo of yours."
"Next thing, Alex, you're going to tell me that Kev's really Hercules," Ted chuckled half-heartedly in the direction of Kevin Sorbo, who was now being ushered towards a chair by the entire rest of the wedding party.
Kevin Smith raised an eyebrow, suddenly looking a lot more like the Ares they were used to, "Well, he's not supposed to have figured that out."
Laughing delightedly, Joel Tobeck sing-songed, "Zeus is going to be pissed." At the looks he received from his friends, he shrugged, heading off to help with the strife that was occurring, for once.
Seeing that Ted was struck quite dumbfounded, Aphrodite took the man by the arm and gently led him towards the rest of the wedding party, "Not to worry, sugar, Alex's gonna see that you get your wedding anyway."
Lucy was left facing Kevin - no, Ares, the actual, honest to gods, God of War. "Just, don't tell me that I'm really Xena, and Ted's Joxer and…"
Ares cut her off smoothly, "No." He smirked, "There was no Xena, Lucy." Carefully, he moved closer, gauging her reaction, "I just found the idea of her quite intriguing - and the actress behind her."
"So you've been pretending all this time?" He was getting closer, right up in front of her now.
With a little shrug, Ares rested his hands against Lucy's arms. Caught her eyes when she looked up, "I've been waiting for you." Offered the barest smile, "Can't say that I really meant for it to happen like this though."
And the look in his eyes, one of slight confusion and frustration, was like the Kevin she knew. Lucy made the decision in her mind that, as unbelievable as this all was, it wasn't as though she didn't know Ares. Whether he was more like the actor or the character or some combination of both - she knew him. Smirked, "Then what are you waiting for?"
Their kiss was brought up short as Aphrodite called out, "Ar, Luce, time to get this wedding show back on the road. Plenty of time for that after Ar, Strife and I round up the missing wedding guests." She gestured pointedly at the nearly empty hall seating.
Ares shrugged, "Sure, Alex," saw Lucy's look and nearly laughed, "What? She likes the nickname."
~(*)~
After some confusion, explaining to the rest of the cast and swearing their secrecy, and necessitating an intervention from Zeus before Hercules ended up completely ruining his identity as Kevin Sorbo, it was time to try the wedding again.
Ares and Aphrodite had proved quite persistent in rounding up fleeing wedding guests, and threatened them thoroughly enough to make sure that they stayed. The podium had been put together, the priest returned (with only the slightest modifications to his memory), and everyone put back in place.
This time, once the music for Joxer the Mighty there were no catastrophes through until the final vows were said (Kevin Sorbo/Hercules having managed to recover both himself and the rings). Despite everything, Hudson and Ted beamed as they ran back down the aisle as Mr. and Mrs. Raimi. Perhaps this good mood was due to bribes of unbelievable honeymooning vacations by the three gods present.
Adrienne caught the bouquet, resulting in a too-pleased Aphrodite wandering over to discuss matters with her, while Renee and Strife tried to reassure others that Kevin Sorbo really was sane - he'd just survived too many hits to the head in too short of a time period. Sam Sorbo was beyond herself with distress, flinging insults and threatened lawsuits at whoever would listen.
Most of the guests fled as soon as they deemed it safe to do so, ostensibly with reasons to congratulate the newly minted couple. Though a few appeared to still be cowering half under their chairs, afraid to move and thus be noticed.
And Lucy Lawless? Well, she was beginning to learn just how intricate the art of managing the God of War was going to be. Starting with trying to convince him not to whisk her out of a highly public place for some highly indecent activities and ending with his tirade over how horribly inaccurate the shows were with history - despite having a total of three gods on regular staff.
They hadn't even made it to the reception yet, which promised, at least, no heavy wooden Xena: Warrior Princess logos to force reluctant gods to reveal their identities.
"Does this mean we have to finish the movie?"
Ares glanced at Lucy, having overheard Renee's comment. "I think it served its purpose," he offered a little wink at Aphrodite and Strife, both who rolled their eyes at him.
Lucy deadpanned back toward her friend, "You're assuming that Hudson and Ted ever decide to finish their honeymoon."
Laughter broke out as the Joxer the Mighty tune resumed its playing - the orchestra and hall owners attempting to get them discretely out of there. It worked like - magic - as everyone vanished quite happily towards the reception.
The End
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