Dedications: This story is dedicated to the following individuals and clubs who inspired this writing, helped my muse, or simply offered me their friendship. The individuals are: Alicia, Amber, Acacia, Arianwen, Barb, Briar, Brittania, Cora, Chrissy, Cat, CrazyEvilDru, Dolly, Destiny, Electra, EvilWillow, Ephy, Enyo, Erika, Eris, Goddess Of Mischief, GoddessAnex, Galadriel, Grey, Goddess Of War, Gata, IsolatedSoul, Illyandria, Jessica, Joxerfan, Kat, Korianna, Kristy, Kari, Kaylene, Liz, Lysia, LadyKate, Lilly, Maureen, Megan, Mel, Mary, Prophecy, Raven, Something Royal, Tali, Tareena, and Tango. The clubs are: Ambrosiaholics Anonymous, Ares & Xena Shippers Club, I Hate Gabrielle Club, I Hate Gabrielle Castle, I Hate Hercules Club, A Reason To Believe, Shatomlic Amazons, Illyandria's Board, Shipper Heaven, and Dark Siren.
Author's Notes: Wow, now *that* was a pretty long disclaimer, was it not?? I hope I got everything in though; I don't want anybody to take this story the wrong way! And I would hate to have missed something in my incoherent ramblings. Whoa be, to those poor souls who actually read every inch of that. I applaud you, though all you needed to know was "I don't own 'em, I own the story, I'll post warnings, ask before using." Right? That was it! Now, you know you're a writer when you can PROPERLY, I might add, turn a sentence, into a page in and of itself! Ha! Am I the queen of disclaimers, or what? I mean, really folks, that is how it's done! All the jokes and other stuff, that can come in here, but a disclaimer is where you're serious. :P
Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention: This is MY story and I can do anything that I feel like with it, and I intend to exercise my rights. So I'm gonna attempt sorts of scenes, styles, and feelings, which some, I'm sure I'll suck at, however it's my story, so you're out of luck…. I'm experimenting with a different writing style too...IE, I have a detailed outline! And, believe it or not, I now attempt to write plot, yes, actual, honest to gods, plot.
So, I thought you might like to know a little about the author of the story you are about to read, besides that she's the queen of disclaimers. I mean, am I funny, am I depressed, what type of stories are typical to me to write, and what type is this? Are you wondering those very things? Or do you want me to shut up? Either way, I'll answer you!
Those of you that know me are aware that I write a lot, I don't usually have much of an overall plan, and it sometimes takes me years to finish something, if I ever do. With this in mind, I beg you to read my story anyway, because apparently, I write ok. No, that's not ego talking, it's a proven, reviewed, fact. Or not, fine, just be that way! ;)
I was once, part of a clan called "The FOUR" and I was, the fourth. I still am, but our clan seems to be mostly MIA (missing in action). I've been known for slightly volatile tendencies when provoked into fights online that result in unblocking writers block. Mostly I'm agreeable enough, and writers blocked enough. This is however, not a reason to pick a fight with me, I'm liable to hate you and withhold stories. My editor, Kat, always taught me the best in fanfiction blackmail. Rest assured, that while I may leave this story for months without updating, I have NOT stopped writing it, I finish everything I write, eventually, or at least, I intend to. This story in itself will probably be short, to the point, and sweet. All my stories are romantic, some quite violent, and some (hopefully) funny. This will be no exception.
What did that have to do with the story? You decide. Make it your great quest to uncover the truth. And if you e-mail me a theory, I might just enlighten you on the divine answer.
In my stories, Ares and Xena are together/will get together, because I believe they are in love. Gabrielle and Xena are just friends, not because I am homophobic, or anything of the kind, but simply because, I never could see them like that, and I hate Gabrielle. Ok? Happy? Good.
There are few things I believe in with all my soul in my writing, and I will share them with you in the hopes of enlightenment: I believe that Ares and Xena love each other and are meant to be together. I believe that there are few, if any, things better on this earth then Ares' ass in tight leather, which I believe makes him look hot! (Yumm, to my shippy buds!) I believe that Xena and Gabrielle are, have been, and will be, JUST FRIENDS, if even that. I believe that Gabrielle should die a horrible and painful death, or be humiliated and loose Xena's friendship. (Which I try to not always act on!) I believe that Hercules is a man-ho, and should be killed, preferably by Ares, because he really, really, wants to. I believe that Tali, Eris, Jade, and Reeny are the funniest writers on the face of the earth ever. I believe that my editor, Kat, is a supreme being, and knows all, and is always right, and will blackmail anyone but me. (Take that, SUCKERS!) And I believe in finishing my stories, even if I'm eighty when that happens. So, if you believe in some or all of the above statements, you're in! If you don't, be afraid, very afraid, and start pounding the back button on your computer, now! CLOSE, BACK, DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. Now we got rid of those idiots, let's finish these notes, and get on with the warnings, shall we? You will be happy to hear that this entire thing is written in size 12, times new roman! :P
WARNINGS: MAY CONTAIN: Sexual Innuendos, Humor, Dark Humor, Raunchy Humor, Bad Humor, Violence, and Sailor Language.
Detailed Warning Explanations: This story contains humor, my kind of humor, which you may or may not find offensive. Take it in stride it is humor people! If you don't like it, don't read anything else by me. Read humor by the greats I above mentioned, I'm just a simpleton here! This story MAY contain vague, and not so vague references and innuendos to sexual actions. The might even do it, eeeww! That's right, kiddies, like former president Clinton "I did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky" when we all knew that they just did it in the bathroom. (Yeah, yeah, if I cared, I'd spell her name right, the ho!) If you haven't already guessed, there's language in this fic, why? The reason is because this author has a mouth like a drunken sailor, sad, but true.
Rated: PG-13
Summary: What's a warrior princess to do on a beautiful sunny day with birds chirping, a talkative best friend, and no baddies to give her a break? Ponder the great questions of life, of course!
Song Inspiration For This FanFiction: "You better loose yourself in the music, the moment, you better never let it go. You only get one shot; do not miss your one chance…" - 'Lose Yourself' by Eminem off of his CD 'The Eminem Show'
Thank You's: Who can I blame this twisted little piece on? Oooh, I know! RISSSSSYYYYY! It's your fault. I want everyone to thank Rissy for bringing this piece into existence, without her, it never would'a happened. You see, I have a kinda throne, and she kinda tried to steal it, and I kinda had to show her how the master does it! SO THERE! BLAME 'RIS! All enjoyment is my fault though, so send happiness to me! Also, gotta thank my chronic-slow-reader, Ephy, and my editor, Kat. SO THANKS YA'LL!
FEEDBACK: Ahh, feedback, it's like, Gabrielle being shish-kabobbed in front of my very eyes. In other words? It makes me happy. I kind of got a feedback addiction going on here, like, a big one. As in, feedback, it's like my drug, and well, you make me VERY happy when you give me my fix. It makes me write. *hint, hint* So, if you want a happy, writing Del, please, please send FEEDBACK! All types accepted, no discrimination here: nice, evil, flames so I can laugh, praise is my fave though! Ya know, some people have even used the term "review whore," but see, sadly, I just love reviews; I don't get paid. Didn't you sickos read the fucking disclaimers?!?!!?
STOP: Okay, if you DO NOT want utter-silliness, skip down to the story, NOW! Otherwise, read ahead, for insightful, hopefully funny, comments from moi.
Insights, Awareness, and Silliness: Did you know that my own flesh and blood, my own *sister* Eris, actually tried to steal my "longest disclaimer" queen throne!? She made a calculated (if cheating) attempt at the theft! But, you see, even after her silliness, her disclaimer came to just four pages. Mine comes to that BEFORE the silliness! So, you see, this is how it's done! Now, if I wanted to be silly, I could go on for another four pages, but isn't that what the story is for?
Well, crap, all my thoughtful insights, fucking gone. I am sick, so you know, and no, not in the mind (well, maybe) I have strep throat! UGH! Maybe later I'll put 'em in, I did complete my four pages after all!
Ahh, feeling better and slightly up to the task of adding more silliness, I am. Did you know that rice is microwavable to be heated in many ways and STILL it does not dry out? Uncovered, covered, with water, without. But to heat rice by pan is like defying the impossible. So, did you know? Well, now you do.
I would like to point out that, no matter who you are, whether you are good-incarnate, or evil-incinerate, there are some forces of darkness that just can not be avoided. These forces of darkness are: AOL (Satan's little helper), Yahoo (An evil-subber run corporation designed to piss shippers the hell off), MSN (Bug-infested screw-ups), Starbucks (Cruel millionaires that make you say fifty things to get a plain coffee), and Bill Gates (One smart-ass robot).
My dearest Father's list of evil reads: Chase Manhattan Bank, AT&T, The Roth Child Banking, IBM, DeBears Diamonds, Du'Pont Chemicals, McMillan Bodel, Exxon, The World Monetary Fund, and The Emperor in Star Wars. Yes, that's right the Emperor in Star Wars, now you understand that this insanity is HEREDITARY! Hmmph!
Oh, yeah, all of those companies/people, PLEASE, PLEASE don't sue us: remember, it's a joke!!
There's nothing like putting in a huge disclaimer, only to get yourself sued for a joke in the end of the thing!
Temporary Insanity
By ~Delenn~
Xena looked over at her yammering friend and contemplated the only thing a warrior princess could be expected to contemplate in a situation such as this: temporary insanity. The warrior princess was wondering that if, right at this very moment, she took a pillow and suffocated the overly friendly bard, she could claim insanity by reason of being talked to death. "Gabrielle," Xena questioned seriously, "do you think someone can be insane after they've been killed?"
It was hard to say what shocked Gabrielle more, the fact that her friend had spoken, or the fact that she had spoken in the middle of one of her tales. The bard settled for the former, as the stoic warrior was world renowned for her silence, or at least should have been. Had she actually listened to what had interrupted her tale, Gabrielle would not have been shocked in the least to find that her friend was plotting murder… again. "Huh, baddies, where?!"
Xena was still wondering how one could be dead and still insane, after all it was insanity by reason of being talked to death. She may know most everything, but some things eluded that wonderful mind the warrior possessed. Doing a quick mental scan for any actual 'baddies,' the warrior princess determined there were none, and responded to the bard's panicked clutching of her staff with a roll of the eyes. "Gabrielle, relax. I just asked you a question."
Gabrielle fixed the warrior princess with her patented bard glare of death, guaranteed to be very, very, scary looking. Not scary in an 'omigods she's going to kill me way,' but more in an 'what in tartarus is she doing to her face' way. "Xena," she tried to be patient, but her voice slowly rose to a screech, "you just interrupted the punch line of my story for a question?"
Xena opened her mouth to point out that said story had been going on half the day, when she say the glare of bardic death and decided better of it. Closing her mouth before someone could come and take a picture, (they always got shots when she looked like an idiot!) Xena went back to her internal musings.
The bard waited patiently for a response as she saw the mouth of her companion open and then close like a bloated fish, but none was forthcoming. She let the silence stretch into minutes, unaware that her friend was happily enjoying the lack of chatter. When Gabrielle knew she just couldn't stand it anymore, she continued her story because the silence was causing birds to chirp, and nothing made the little bard angrier then chirping birds. "Damn birds! Xena, I'm starting my story again. Wait till the end for questions, okay?"
Xena, meanwhile, had been struck by a divine miracle, literally. A flying piece of divine paper reading: 'miracle,' had just flown down and hit Xena in the head. The stoic warrior made an 'owwie' face, rubbed her head, and looked to see if her friend had noticed this chain of events… she hadn't. Xena took this as a sign, a sign that some musings required a god's help to solve. Seeing as there was only one god whipped enough to help a mortal with a quandary, Xena nudged Argo to a run and called back to her friend, "Uh… I think I heard something. Stay there, I'll be back!"
Gabrielle opened her mouth very wide; once again, the stupid oaf that was the 'so called' warrior princess had ruined her punch line. Not knowing what else to do, the traveling bard sat on the nearest rock, thanked the gods that her feet had a chance to rest, spit out a fly, closed her mouth, and tried out a new tale on the nearest tree. "There once was this stupid woman named Xena. She went out and saved people and was called a quote-unquote 'hero.' But this woman was nothing but a stupid woman, who left her friend by the side of the road to talk to a tree…." The bard paused an appropriate amount of time, and then demanded of the tree, "WELL? What did you think!?"
Xena pulled Argo to the side of a clearing, securely tied the horse to a waiting tree, took a deep breath, and used all her super-warrior-woman strength to bellow, "ARES!"
In a brilliant, if blinding, flash of blue light, the god of war appeared. He looked sheepish, if not downright frightened at what could have caused his love to yell with such force, "You called, my princess?"
Xena fixed her own, patented, warrior princess glare of utter death on the war god. "Ewww, I thought I told you not to call me that. It makes people think you're my DAD or something icky. Nasty minds people have."
Ares shrugged, looked up and -finding no angry mobs in sight- let out the breath he had been holding. The confident swagger returned to his steps as Ares strode up to his girlfriend and pulled her close for a kiss. "Sorry, my… queen…"
Xena sighed contentedly. There were two things she absolutely loved about dating the god of war: 1) he was sexy and an oh-so-great kisser, and 2) angry villages didn't care that she had slaughtered their husbands once she told them that she could make the god of war do flips… literally. Pausing her mental train of thought to examine how she had got so off topic, the warrior princess forgot to explain why she had called her war god.
For his part, Ares was trying to be patient; he had to be, with Xena. However, being able to read the famous warrior like a book did have its advantages, and the god of war could tell when her eyes glazed over that she was off track. Not wanting to lose any of his charm by stamping his foot and demanding that she tell him why he was there, Ares settled for calmly asking, "Was there something you wanted, Xena?"
Managing to look utterly placid while ransacking your mind to what you had been thinking about was not an easy achievement, but one that Xena prided herself in. So it was no wonder that Ares couldn't tell she was coming up with a blank, or that Xena wasn't replying because she didn't have an answer, not to make him wait. Sliding closer to her boyfriend, godfriend, whatever, the answer finally dawned on Xena and she asked, "If I happened to kill, oh I don't know, somebody, could I claim insanity by reason of being talked to death?"
Raising an eyebrow, Ares thought deeply on this confusing question. While he though, he stood there, perfectly still, and could have stayed that way for millennium. However a certain warrior princess was not patient enough to wait that long, and so she snapped her fingers in front of the god of war's eyes. Snapped out of his thoughts, Ares couldn't help but shrug. "I think, you could claim reason of insanity by reason of being talked to insanity… but I don't think talked to death would work."
Now it was Xena's turn to raise an eyebrow in disbelieving, "I called you down here for THAT? Gods, Ares, I could have figured that out!" Sighing deeply, Xena stepped away from the god of war without a goodbye kiss and moved to untie Argo so she could go back to the frustrating bard she had left… somewhere.
Ares also shrugged, before disappearing, his disembodied voice echoing through the now empty clearing. "What do you want from me, I'm a war strategist, not a lawyer."
Suddenly Xena spun around angrily, "Son of a banshee! Where's my goodbye kiss?!"
Please e-mail the author of this story with your comments. goddess_delenn@yahoo.com