Author’s Note: Well, jeeze, lookie at all the people. *looks up innocently at the readers* I think this was brought on by too many thoughts of a pregnant Xena from Illusion in War's Arms, and how alternative parts of that could have turned out. The Gabby/Joxer pairing is thrown in because I used to be quite fond of it, and I thought I'd give them their moment as well. Okay, finish the boring disclaimers and stuff and READ!
Dedications: Still the same people it’s always been dedicated to. Especially to Illy, LK, Tali, Tango, Rissy, Kat, and everyone who I still see online, as that’s not many anymore.
Summary: A not-so-fluffy-fluffy look at the old shippy ideal of everyone falling in love and getting knocked up... Reality is a little different in the Xenaverse.
Rated: PG-13
Date Started/Finished: 1-30-2006
Fish-Smells and Hormones
By Delenn
Joxer tiptoed through the campsite, knowing that his very life was dependent on his stealth.
One careful step after another - toe, then slowly down with the heel. Gently lift, and set - toe, then slowly down with the heel.
He was so close when his delicately balanced right toes landed on a twig, just as his left foot began its careful ascent off the ground. Joxer teetered atop the round, dew-made-slippery stick for a second that felt like thousands.
The twig snapped with a sickening crunch. Joxer landed on his ass, with a loud metal clang.
"Gah, just let me sleep!" Cried an exceptionally grouchy voice from where it was submerged in a bedroll.
The other bedroll was empty.
Eyes darting nervously, Joxer finally looked up.
The Warrior Princess was standing over him, eyes glaring daggers, arms crossed and resting over her enlarged belly. "You woke her up." Xena looked ready to kill.
Scrambling to his feet, Joxer motioned toward the campfire and cooked fish, waiting for the two sleeping women. "I made breakfast? Just the way you like it..." It came out rather pitiful and questioning.
Xena sniffed at the smell of cooking fish, "I know, that's what woke me up." She advanced toward the fish, and then stopped. Eyes bugging, Xena's hand went to her mouth and clamped there.
Joxer watched Xena flee-waddling toward the edge of the forest with a sigh. Supposedly this 'morning sickness' was only to last the first few months of a woman's pregnancy. Gabrielle had hardly experienced it at all, though her cravings were quite obscure.
Not the case for Xena, who seemed to develop a new craving and a new dislike just about every day. The smell of just about anything made the once stoic warrior vomit, although, until today, that list had never included fish.
Just when he thought the immediate danger was over, Gabrielle flung off her blanket and demanded, "Joxer, help me up." She rolled her eyes and extended two still quite nicely shaped arms, "Not like I'll get back to sleep anyway... Perdi's kicking up a storm."
Dutifully, Joxer rushed to his beloved's side, trying to cop a discrete feel of her stomach while helping her up. Gabrielle slapped his hands away from her stomach, "You think the kicking is cute? You should feel it from this side."
"Sorry, Gabby," Joxer resisted the urge to feel his child kick and instead focused all his strength on helping Gabrielle lift herself out of bed.
Not for the first time, Joxer wondered if Ares had gotten the easier position, being able to actually leave on errands. This was so much worse than the time both Xena and Gabrielle had been ill, and it lasted so much longer. But, remembering the murderous look in Xena's eye, Joxer decided perhaps he was just fine as it was.
Soon enough the God of War made his appearance, cautiously bearing plates of steaming goat heart for Gabrielle and curried chicken for Xena, since both women maintained that it tasted funny if he just made it appear, which was physically impossible, but fine.
Gabrielle, who was already engulfing whole fish, was overjoyed at the addition of goat entrails. She took the plate from Ares and didn’t even hit him for being late. Suddenly, it was so sweet for him to have gone out of his way to bring them lunch. Wiping at tears, Gabrielle turned to Joxer, remembering the perfectly cooked fish in the same light, and prepared to announce her undying love. "Aww, Joxie, you take such good care of me."
Ares rolled his eyes and escaped to the hormonally stable world of Xena - who had thankfully recovered from the fish-smells and was sharpening her sword. Xena's hormones only had one level - violent. "How are you feeling, Princess?"
"Like I could kill you," Xena glowered down at her stomach, and the babies inside, who seemed so determined to make her life a living hell. "They're just like their father, already keeping me up all night and making me puke."
Ares kissed Xena on the forehead, not entirely sure if she would try to bite him in a real kiss, and sat down next to her, a hand resting on her stomach. "Now, now, Xena, flattery will get you everywhere." He paused, considering, "Though if they start demanding swords on birth, we might have to discuss some parenting tactics."
He removed his hand from her person, at the glare he received.
Xena snorted, "Scaredy." And punched him in the arm.
"Well, yeah."
Just when it looked like Xena might have downgraded his status from 'evil bastard,' she took a bite of the curried chicken. All was well for exactly fifteen seconds, during which Xena looked almost pleased.
Xena paled. Ares paused. Joxer and Gabrielle glanced up from the hormonal mush that she'd become.
Xena puked.
Sighing, Ares pulled her hair back and rubbed her back, listening to the interrupted growls of, "This is all your fault," and "I wish I were dead."
Joxer laughed, watching the Warrior Princess, still ill, berating the God of War, who was taking it quite calmly.
A slap resounded, as Gabrielle smacked him across the head. "It's not funny!" Her happy mood obviously quite over, Gabrielle fixed Joxer with her nastiest glare. "You men, you're all the same. No idea what it's like, and then you think it's so exciting when the damn baby kicks. I wish you were the pregnant one!" By the end of her speech, Gabrielle was already balling.
Hefting up her increasing girth and batting away his helping hands, Gabrielle rose to her feet, tore off a last fish head, and stomped back to her bedroll, flopping under the covers and morphing into an unrecognizable blob.
Joxer sighed, poking at the goat heart and wondering if he dared try such a disgusting looking concoction. Yeah, because pregnancy is so easy for the guys.
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