Everything

I put my hand on her shoulder, but she pushed it off. It’s my fight, she said. You can’t do this for me. You can’t be everything for me, remember?

I stepped back and searched her eyes. It wasn’t just the uncertainty before confronting Varia, it was something else. Finally I nodded. All right, I promised. I’ll let you have your fight, and I won’t interfere.

They were evenly matched, I judged. Varia had been trained as a warrior from birth, had had the extra training from Ares that Gabrielle had refused. But I’d taught her everything I knew, everything I’d ever learned. So they were an equal match.

The Amazons stood in a ring about the pair. Gabrielle was dressed as they were, stood amongst them comfortably, aware of the rules, aware of the ways of the tribe. I stood out. I looked over them and disliked their rules and their ways. I couldn’t understand how people could be content with following the way of the majority, as must be in a tight community. After being with these women for any length of time I had to get away to be myself. But somehow Gabrielle seemed more sure than in any other place.

I shivered a little as I remembered her words. Had she been thinking of leaving me? Because, for some reason, I couldn’t be everything to her? Wasn’t I enough?

Ares’ voice returned to me unbidden, as did the memory of his touch. I shook the thought away and focused on Gabrielle. She was eyeing her opponent so sadly, and I realised I had misjudged. They weren’t evenly matched where it counted, because Gabrielle didn’t really want to hurt Varia.

My eyes passed over the crowd and focused on Eve. She, too, was looking sad. Once again her message of peace had been interpreted as a threat, and once again I had had to leap into the rescue. She would feel every blow that landed on Gabrielle, and on Varia, too. Our eyes connected, and she smiled a little. As though to say she was ready to die. Not understanding that I wasn’t ready for that, nor would I ever be.

A cry rose up as Varia struck out at Gabrielle and the fight began. They moved cautiously at first, but then hit out more confidently, leapt, kicked, tumbled over the ring. Varia was angry at Gabrielle’s challenge, I saw, and it unsteadied her. While Gabrielle was as focused as though it were she and I sparring. Right, left, right again and kick. Over and round. Left, and left again. I saw Varia tiring under Gabrielle’s onslaught, and then she went down.

It was a jab to the throat that had done it. I leapt into the ring and fell next to the girl, listening to the harsh sounds that was coming from her, feeling her neck carefully. I could hear Gabrielle crying softly next to me. It was all right, though – she hadn’t broken a bone as I had thought. Instead I jabbed again, and Varia began to breathe.

Victory for Gabrielle! Hail Gabrielle, our new Queen! Victory for Gabrielle!

The cry rose up, and Gabrielle was snatched away, with all the Amazons cheering her, carrying her through the village. I stayed by Varia’s side. She lay back, her eyes wide open, staring at the sky.

I could have died, then. She said suddenly. You saved me.

Of course. I replied. This wasn’t a fight to the death.

Then I got up and moved over to Eve. But the first thing she did when I broke her bonds was to run over to Varia. They cried together.

I couldn’t stand it any longer in the village. I ran out to the plains, outside the Amazon camp, and there Ares appeared.

It was summer; the grass grew tall, dry stalks waving in the slight breeze. Only the low buzz of insects disturbed the silence, as I stood in the midst of the green field. I looked about suspiciously, feeling his presence but unable to see him.

The grass was almost to my waist. I waded through it, watching the stalks bend, hearing the soft swish as they parted. I turned my head this way and that, but still I could not see him.

Show yourself!

I refused to utter a word into the midday hush, but I threw out the challenge nevertheless, knowing that somehow he would hear.

Defend yourself against me!

He appeared behind me, his fingers on my right shoulder. I grabbed the offending hand and threw him down, flipping him over me.

He maintained his hold and pulled me down, but I leapt back, forcing him off-balance. He rolled, then jumped up, and spun me around, facing me.

I punched out but he blocked me; hit again, but he stopped my move. Our hands were flying faster than thought, and yet neither of us missed a throw. Then I kicked out my leg and he stumbled, but he grabbed me as he fell and I went down.

I couldn’t breathe, but it wasn’t because he was heavy upon me; it was the sight of the green grass around us like the sea. Then he stretched out a hand and closed my eyes.

A brightness moved over me, burning me, setting me afire. The sense of his power . . . I felt my mouth open, felt my stomach contract with pleasure.

His mouth moved over mine so very gently, until the tears stood in my eyes. Then he bit down, hard, on my lower lip and I cried out with the pain.

My eyes shot open.

This is who I am, he said. Even when I want to . . . It was as though he could go no further, and he frowned, and then disappeared. I lay in the grass a little longer, touching my sore lip gingerly.

I knew what he had meant to say. Even when he wanted to be gentle, he caused pain.

I knew the feeling.

Gabrielle called council immediately. She invited Varia as well as myself to attend, and though Varia hesitated, she finally accepted.

I want to pardon Eve, Gabrielle said slowly. But I have already said she was guilty.

Then she paused. Slaving, killing – those things are evil. I cannot say otherwise.

I tensed.

I sentence, therefore, Livia of Rome to death for her crimes – she turned my daughter about, to face the council – so that Eve, the messenger of peace, may live.

I sighed, and smiled. I held out my hands to my daughter and she came to me. I waited, then, for Gabrielle to hand regency back to Varia.

Varia was chosen as Queen by Marga, she began. Marga saw the possibilities of greatness within Varia.

But Varia betrayed her tribe to Ares, Gabrielle went on surprisingly. I won’t allow the Amazons to be weakened by her mistakes. So I will stay on as Queen, until I see within Varia than which Marga saw.

A cry of triumph rose up from the circle of queens, but I was frozen. Gabrielle had averted her eyes from me during her speech, but now they sought my gaze pleadingly. I did not know what to think; I did not know what to do. I hesitated, then left the council.

Later that evening Gabrielle found me, at my own fire, outside the Amazon camp. She settled herself beside me on a fallen log. I couldn’t look at her.

You didn’t say a word to me. You didn’t say anything to prepare me for this –

I know, I’m sorry, she replied calmly.

You know I can’t stay – I began, and then stopped. I stared furiously into the fire, and wiped an awkward hand across my eyes. I’m no Amazon, I went on.

Yes, I know, Gabrielle agreed, and fed another stick into the fire. Then she turned her head deliberately towards me.

I don’t have anyone, anymore, she said. Once I had a whole village who knew me. I had parents. I had friends. They’re all dead now, or they’ve changed so much I can’t recognise them. I’ve only got you.

She pressed my hand tightly. I love you, but I can’t be everything to you, and you can’t be everything to me. The Amazons are the only family who have remained after all this time . . .

And who have I got? Who? I demanded. Eve goes her own way, she always will.

You have Ares.

A spark shot out from the fire onto Gabrielle’s boot, and she stamped it out.

He hasn’t changed. Or not in any way that matters. He comes when you call. He touches you, and you burn. You’ve been connected to him every since the first day you lifted a sword –

Stop this! I exclaimed. After all he’s done here, in just a few days, you can say this?

I can say this because despite all he’s done, right from the start, you still love him.

I got up then, but she pulled me down.

That’s what love is, isn’t it? Accepting someone despite their faults?

Murder isn’t exactly a fault, I retorted, and got up again, pacing by the flames. Then I started.

Is that why you are leaving me?

Not everything is about you – Then Gabrielle sighed. This is about me. I need to ensure Varia is on the right track before I abandon the Amazons once again. This is about doing the right thing by Ephiny, by everyone who meant something to us so long ago!

I fell down next to her and took her in my arms.

Don’t do this, Gabrielle. Please. We can watch the Amazons together, but don’t take this on and leave me –

But she did.

The next day Eve approached me and said she was going East.

Now?

Yes – and her eyes were pleading me to let her do this. I wondered why I could allow her this. Then I realised she was not asking me anything at all. She was begging me to let her do this with some dignity.

That I could allow. I didn’t let my face fall until she had set out on the road.

Xena –

It’s all right. I wiped away the stray tears, and looked around. It’s all right.

You could stay here –

You said yourself I was no Amazon.

I moved over to Argo and began saddling up.

Don’t leave like this! Gabrielle said finally, exasperated. Let me do this!

I turned, then, and enveloped my friend in a hug.

You know how you’ve always been able to call me, and I’ve heard you?

I mounted Argo, then, and looked down.

Yes? She answered.

This time I’ll be too far away to hear.

Then I urged Argo on, and moved out of the camp, and didn’t look back, until he found me about a day’s ride from the Amazon village.

You did this, didn’t you, I demanded furiously. You’ve always wanted to separate us, separate me from my conscience . . .

Oh, is that what she was?

He stood there in the road, looking amused. A fly settled on his left gauntlet and a small frown appeared on his face. The fly moved hurriedly.

I understand, now, he went on. Argo is your transport, that shiny thing on your back provides dinner, and the little girl was your good angel on your right shoulder –

He moved closer, and I held up the shiny thing defensively.

So I’m the devil on your left? He grinned. Think when you can’t see me I don’t actually exist?

Argo moved back uneasily. I patted her reassuringly and sheathed my sword. I decided I had to be going mad again, because Ares’ words were beginning to make sense.

She was speaking to them about deception, and I saw Varia’s eyes raised up to her trustingly. I listened, remembering that her wisdom was not simply based on experience, but on an instinct which was fed from her heart.

Deception, she told them, was most dangerous when it was clothed in truth. Yes, Livia had done terrible things; but it did not follow that Eve was a threat. Yes, the Amazon numbers were falling; but attacking those around them would not in any way bring about the glory days of old.

Yes, Ares had incited them to do evil . . .

My friend paused then, remembering Eli’s body in her arms, seeing my face reject her again because of her convictions.

. . . yet it was the darkness in their own hearts which led to the murder of men who had asked for mercy.

I saw the Amazons bow their heads and accept their guilt for their actions. They came together and decided on the recompense for what they had done; how their families would be told of their deaths; how they would react next time to such a threat.

I watched Gabrielle move among the Amazon warriors, calm and steady, and realised at last that if I could forgive Ares the pain, and love him anyway, I could forgive her for allowing me to be good on my own.

I hesitated a moment, loving her, and then I moved from my branch and headed back onto the road.

...h.o.m.e...
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