Disclaimer: We don't own them.
Carly's Author's Notes: Tali, Tango and I wrote a Round Robin Story. I make no apologies . . . it is very strange.
An Unusual Gift
By Carly, Tali, and Tango
"You what?" Gabrielle blinked rapidly and stared into the bottom of the ale mug she held in her hand. She was sure she hadn't drank that much.
"I thought you should know," Xena reached out to take her best friend's hand but was startled as she moved it abruptly.
"You sold our frying pan for a llama?"
Alpaca," Xena said patiently. "It's an alpaca, his name is Fringe, and for the third time -- I didn't buy him. He was a gift."
"A gift. So you're saying we still have a frying pan? Thank goodness - I was beginning to get concerned." Gabrielle got up to go.
"No, no, you don't understand!" Xena cried.” After all, I couldn't just let him go without anything at all. Not after being given an Alpaca!"
Gabrielle sat down once more. "Break it to me gently, please."
Xena stared at her own mug of ale, then at her wind-chapped hands, then at the ceiling, then back at her hands. "All right, it was Ares."
Gabrielle waited. Xena glanced at her quickly. "He heard you were after a woolen cloak, so he, uh... we... made a deal."
Gabrielle stared. "What's wrong with a sheep? I think an Alpaca is kind of excessive."
Xena shrugged.” You wanted a sheep?"
"And are you still insinuating we're minus a frying pan? Because Ares is a god, remember? He can fry things with those balls of fire he keeps up his sleeves." Gabrielle hesitated. "That's where he keeps them, right?"
"What? Ares doesn't wear sleeves. And don't change the subject." Xena downed the rest of her ale and stood up briskly. "Fringe is travelling with us for a while, that's all."
Xena was out of the tavern and mounted upon Argo before Gabrielle realised that the location of the frying pan was still undetermined.
It was a moonless night, and it took a while for Gabrielle to realise that Xena's horse looked slightly smaller. "What, have I shrunk Argo again?" she blurted out - then stopped. "Xena, don't tell me you kept the frying pan and gave up Argo instead!"
"What are you talking about?" Gabrielle squinted and then closed her eyes. Upon opening them she came face to face with "ARGH, llama!"
"Alpaca, Gabrielle," Xena sighed.
Xena was atop of Argo as normal and Gabrielle was a little too close for comfort with Fringe. "That Alpaca’s evil, Xena!"
"Yeah, like I’m going to trust that instinct, "Hope’s not evil, I swear!""
"I heard that!"
"Oh, and you think Fringe didn't hear you?" Xena gestured at the alpaca indignantly.
Fringe gave Gabrielle a haughty indifferent look from under a thick ... well, fringe -- and padded over to the other side, putting Argo safely between himself and the short human with the blonde fur.
"I didn't mean it?" Gabrielle tried, but the look Xena gave her said plainly that she took the alpaca's side.
"She should've named him Tara," Gabrielle muttered, and kicked a pebble out of the way. Not only, she reflected gloomily, was she walking ten paces behind Xena's horse . . . but ten paces behind Xena's llama, too. Well, that was one explanation of the frying pan - Ares was always one to calculate the thing most likely to get him in Xena's good books while providing maximum amount of annoyance to Gabrielle.
"Don't forget it's for your cloak," Xena said, as though reading her mind. "Be nice to Fringe."
Now to keep with the main theme of annoying Gabrielle, Ares appeared in a shower of sparkles followed by a round of fireworks and small daises with a sneeze. The God of War was dressed in a robe with slippers on and in one hand he held a box of tissues. His eyes were watering and Gabrielle didn’t bother to fight the urge to burst into laughter. "I hate you!" He managed to croak.
"Don't tell me - you really are allergic to cooking?" Gabrielle asked sarcastically. "Or is this the real reason you got rid of the llama?" she went on thoughtfully. "Alpaca," Xena corrected automatically.
"The real reason? What other reason---" Xena elbowed him sharply. "...Could I possibly have?" Ares recovered smoothly. "The wool's for your cloak, Gabrielle. I got this." He held up the pan and gave Gabrielle a winning smile -- then he sneezed.
"Gross!"
Xena handed Ares a hankie.
Gabrielle grabbed the frying pan out of Ares' free hand, and held it gingerly. "I'm sorry, but you can take that llama back. There are easier methods of getting warm in winter, and I'm not missing out on scrambled eggs in the meantime."
Ares shot Xena a panicked look. "You can't give the ll - uh, Al-al-al - atchoo! back. A deal's a deal."
"Not when it involves a llama and someone else's crockery," Gabrielle returned swiftly. "And can anyone explain why we headed away from the tavern in the dark? We're supposed to sleep there tonight, aren't we?"
"Well, uh . . ." Xena and Ares began together.
"Ares, we need to tell her the truth." Xena turned to Ares and sighed.
"Fine. Fringe is special, he's the Alpaca of War!"
"He's on a quest, Gabrielle," Xena interrupted.
The bard stood silently for several moments before shaking her head.
"A quest for what, hayfever medication? And that still doesn't explain the frypan!"
Ares and Xena exchanged an uncomfortable look.
"You know," Xena said thoughtfully, grabbing hold of the alpaca to stop him stealing away, "this would be a lot easier if we started at the beginning."
Ares gave her a pitying sneeze. "She won't understand."
Gabrielle crossed her arms and stared at the three of them. "Try me."
Suddenly a piercing shriek sent all of them staring around in horror.
Well, all of them apart from Ares, who was in the middle of another sneezing fit. When he recovered, he saw Gabrielle, Xena and the Alpaca in fight or flight positions.
"What?"
Surprisingly Fringe had assumed a battle stance that one would not normally associate with a farm animal. Gabrielle started to back away slowly and ran straight into Ares in the process. At the same time a young woman came screaming out of the conveniently placed woods to our protagonists' right closely followed by several stereotypically dirty, ugly thugs. Upon sighting one sword, two sais, and an Alpaca that clearly meant business, the woman stopped, frozen halfway through a scream. Then her eyes fell on the God of War in bathrobe and the screaming resumed, gaining several decibels as the thuggish thugs promptly cannoned into her. There followed a series of "oomphs" and shouts of "I've got her now” -- and then the young woman dove neatly out from the tangle of thugs, emerged an inch from the Alpaca, broke the sound barrier and the 11pm curfew with a scream that paralysed the wildlife in a 30 mile radius, and kept running. The thugs followed. Everyone watched them disappear into the woods.
"Well, that was exciting." Xena yawned and sheathed her sword. "I suggest we camp here for the night. How about roast partridge for dinner?"
Just then a branch creaked overhead and a plump but completely stiff partridge toppled onto the ground.
Ares and Gabrielle jumped. The Alpaca and Xena smirked.
"It's the sonic shock, you know. Stuns 'em every time."
"It's still cold," Gabrielle retorted, "even if it is already dead. Which means you need a frypan."
Ares smirked, rolled up his sleeves, and held out his hands theatrically.
Nothing happened.
"You said if I got rid of that Alpaca, my fire would come back!" he wailed to Xena.
"I didn't mean that fire . . ." Xena began, then broke off. "Well, not all of my plans work out the first time, do they?"
"So that explains it!" Gabrielle sighed. "You could have just told me. It's entirely clear now . . . the Alpaca has stolen Ares' fire and is his successor." Suddenly she grinned. "Well done, Xena! Now Ares is stripped of his power, it will mean peace and prosperity for all!"
"Now Ares is stripped . . ." Xena repeated, but was interrupted by a most unusual noise coming from the direction of the Alpaca.
"His successor? Lady, are you completely insane? I'm an alpaca!" Fringe rolled his eyes.
Gabrielle promptly passed out and Ares burst into laughter which was quickly followed by a coughing fit. Xena lent down to take her friend's pulse and when satisfied that Gabrielle was still alive she dropped her hand and stepped over the bard.
"We really should tell her the whole story, but for now we should take care of that "Ares is stripped" problem because clearly you aren't."
Gabrielle sat up abruptly, "Please don't."
A strange whoooshh distracted them all at the vital moment.
It sounded like--" Gabrielle began...
"Sleeves," Xena agreed dully. She sighed and turned to Ares. "You have sleeves." "I have..." Ares looked at his arms, which were indeed covered in black floppy fabric that looked suspiciously like it was attached to what had only a moment ago been his vest. "I have sleeves!" he yelped.
"Well, you did roll them up a moment ago," Gabrielle put in unhelpfully.
"Looks like Gabrielle was right about where you keep those fireballs. At least -- from now on." Xena grabbed Ares' sleeves and yanked them up unceremoniously. Indeed, there were little fireballs cascading up and down his arms.
"UGH!" Ares jiggled his hands reflexively, trying to shake off the things, but they only swirled a bit, as if sticking out their collective tongues of flame at him.
Xena dropped his sleeves and spat on her hands to cool them. They made little hissing-spitting noises. Ares was making the same sort of noises, pointing a shaking finger alternately at his new sleeves and at the Alpaca, who was chewing some grass with such a meditative look that it may as well have had a "do not disturb" sign on its fringe.
"Kh--Wh--How!!-- Atchoo! -- How?!"
Xena shrugged. "It's an Alpaca of War, Ares. It can -- do things. Look on the bright side: you got your fire back, right?"
"Yes, but it's up my sleeves!"
Xena gave him a long look that suggested there were worse places for fireballs to have reappeared.
"Point taken," Ares conceded. "I'm just confused about one thing. Why, when we were right at a perfectly good tavern, could we have not just stayed there the night?"
Xena stared. "You know they don't welcome Alpacas!"
"Oh, that's right -" Gabrielle began, then stopped. "Exactly!" "So we're heading towards the farm."
Gabrielle and Ares wore identical looks of horror at the mention of the 'darling' little farm that Xena had inherited by being the only member of her family to actually cheat death.
"Xena, I'm not sure if you remember this but it's on the other side of Greece," Gabrielle managed through gritted teeth.
"No problem, Fringe can take us."
"Fringe?" Ares said indignantly. "Aren't you forgetting something, Xena? This animal--" The alpaca gave a warning grunt. "Sorry," he amended quickly, "the Great Alpaca of War can't just zap itself through the aether, with or without passengers. Hey, it couldn't even zap itself out of my reach when captured him, and it can't zap itself back to its land of Pair-roo now!"
Gabrielle gasped. "You-- you captured Fringe? Kidnapped him from his native land of-- of Pair-roo? You kept him trapped and alone, like the Golden Hind?!"
"Oh, so now you're on his side? A minute ago you couldn't stand him!"
"He's an innocent victim of another of your foul schemes, of course I'm on his side!" Gabrielle shouted.
"All right, that's enough." Xena grabbed Gabrielle by the collar and Ares by his new sleeves and dragged them apart. They stopped glaring at each other and glared at Xena instead. "Here's what we do. ARES is going to take us to the farm. Now that he's given up trying to keep Fringe captive, it seems his powers are coming back." Before Ares' smirk could become too triumphant, she continued.” And while Gabrielle and I help Fringe build up his strength, Ares is going to find out how to get to the land of Pair-roo."
"I thought Ares kidnapped him from there?" Gabrielle blinked in confusion.
"Not from there. It seems that Fringe was..." Xena looked embarrassed.
Ares smiled sweetly at Gabrielle. "Fringe was trying to capture ME, Gabrielle. Apparently he'd heard I was mortal and figured the Greek God of War would be a nice addition to his collection of slaves back in Pair-roo."
"But his information was out of date," Xena said, and to Gabrielle's shock she gave Ares a small, but definitely fond, smile. "So Ares captured Fringe instead."
************* "I hope you've learned your lesson," Gabrielle grumbled as they found themselves outside the doorway of the dilapidated building Xena - or at least her Grandmother - had once called "home". "If it wasn't for your kidnapping tendencies I'd be spending the night in a nice warm tavern."
Ares looked equally glum. "I still didn't fix the roof. And while three isn't bad, I'm not so keen about four."
The three of them looked hard at the Alpaca - who smirked.
"The barnyard animal is evil," Xena stated matter of factly. "You're telling me. I'm in danger from that thing!" Ares sulked. "I'll have to protect you then, nowhere better than bed. Gabrielle, watch the love child of a sheep and giraffe over there will you..."
"NO!"
The last had come from the alpaca, who glared daggers at Xena, Ares and Gabrielle in turn.
"Uh-oh," said Ares, as he and Gabrielle both inched closer to Xena and her chakram. "It wants respect."
"Kindly remember," Fringe growled, "that I am the Alpaca of War! You will respect mah athoriteeee!!!"
Xena raised an eyebrow. "And I'm Xena, warrior embroiderer. Uh - has anyone noticed that it isn't raining? You can all sleep wherever you like."
And with that she walked inside, commandeered the bedroom with the roof that didn’t leak, and slammed the door. ****************** Xena awoke cheered, refreshed, and ready for a good battle the next morning. The sun was shining - usually did after a huge rainstorm the previous night, she mused - and the sky was clear; it was a beautiful day.
The Warrior Princess looked to her right and noticed Ares huddled up on the other side of the bed. She distinctly remembered locking the door before she got into bed. “Oh, Gabrielle’s going to be so p . . .” Xena’s thought was interrupted by her hardy bardy friend’s call.
“XENA!!”
“Speak of the devil.” Xena elbowed Ares sharply just as Gabrielle flung the door open. "There's an alpaca in my bed!"
"Not anymore," Xena said lightly, fluffing up her pillow.
Ares pointed.
"He's right behind you."
Gabrielle turned and stared at the Alpaca. "Well?"
"I'm not too happy about sharing my bed with you, either," the animal snorted. "All right, I've had enough of human hospitality. Get me back to Pair-oo!"
A blissful smile overtook Ares' face. "Why didn't you just ask?"
In a moment all three were transported far from the farm, and on top of a very cold mountain, dotted with stone buildings.
"So long, Alpaca. I leave you to your slaves," Ares said sarcastically. "We're out of here!"
"Slaves?" Gabrielle said suspiciously. "You mean these stone buildings are filled with slaves? Xena, don't you think we'd better free them and teach the Alpaca a better way of life?"
Xena moved over to her friend and laid a firm hand on her shoulder. "Oh, definitely. I trust you to do an excellent job with freeing slaves. In fact, you're going to do such a great job that you won't need me. I'll see you back at the farm when you're done, ok?"
With that, Ares and Xena disappeared. The Alpaca loomed over Gabrielle. "If I can't have a greek god, perhaps just a greek . . ." ******************* A Few Months Later . . . .
"Xeeenaaa!" A cheerful voice called out. "Oh, Xeeeenaaa!" Xena groaned. "That's not what I think it is, is it?" She poked her head out from under the covers.
"Yup," Ares replied morosely. "I don't even have to look out the window to see it. I know it's the blonde and a whole lot of freed Pair-oovian slaves."
A thumping on the door followed his pronouncement. Xena crawled out of bed, yawning, and made her way downstairs.
"Wake up, Xena and smell the - well, we call it coffee," Gabrielle called out, happily throwing her arms around her friend. "You wondered what all the rooms were for - we'll use the farm as a home for retired slaves. What do you think?" "Brilliant idea! I suppose you'll manage it? Fantastic! We'll be back in a few months to visit," Xena answered, throwing on her armour in six seconds flat and grabbing the bag Ares had hastily packed. "We're off to see Eve - must go - thanks for the postcards by the way . . ."
A strange yet enticing aroma stopped Xena as she was stepping out the door. She halted on the threshold, ignoring Ares' wordless pleas.
"What did you call that smell again?" she asked dreamily.
"Coffee," Gabrielle replied quietly. "Hot, steaming coffee." She thrust a warm mug in her friend's hand.
"Perfect," Xena slurped, "ahhh . . . perfect! It just needs . . . just needs . . ."
"Pancakes," Gabrielle agreed. She looked around, then stared at Ares. "So, whatever happened to the frypan?"
Please e-mail the authors of this story with your comments. carly@lifestart.org.au, tali_sarah@yahoo.com.au, and tangofiction@yahoo.com
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