Disclaimer: All characters and back-story mentioned in the syndicated series Xena Warrior Princess are the copyright property of Universal Studios and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement is intended. This is just a fun little story with no actual point. Any similarities in the characters or events depicted to any real persons, dead or alive, is probably on purpose, but written purely for enjoyment. No offense intended. I had a lot of fun writing this, and I hope you like it. So anyone game for a little humour, and not a lot of sense, Read on! (Don't worry. Occasionally I become very corny.)
Rated: PG 13 for language
You Want to be a Millionaire, The Weakest Weapon, Survival, and Games Galore!
By Atrophy
Xena stared at the man in the gaudy outfit, waving a sack of money at her.
"Come on lady! I know you want to win a million dinars!"
The blonde bard standing next to the warrior nudged Xena. "Come on! It'll be fun!"
They were outside this huge stadium that had been built sometime between then and the last time they'd been in Athens. There was a sign outside the building: 'Games Galore! Come and sign up!'
The Warrior Princess frowned at Gabrielle. "Are you sure you want to go in there?"
"Yeah."
Xena still looked uncertain, but she shrugged, "Alright..."
Just as they stepped forward, the man blocked their way. "Just one minute ladies. A skill testing question is required to enter!"
When they didn't say anything, he put his hands behind his back. "How many fingers am I holding up?"
Xena stared.
"Come on, times a-wasting!"
The warrior shrugged. "Six?"
"That's right!" The man pounded Xena on the back. "Congratulations!" Then he held his hand up expectantly. "30 dinars as door fee."
"What?!? You didn't mention that earlier!"
"I never said there wouldn't be a door fee." He grinned charmingly. "Come on, I promise it'll be worth it! And may I remind you that you can't back out on a deal. It's on the contract."
"What contract?"
"That one there." He pointed at the sign that said 'Games Galore!'
The bard squinted. "There, at the bottom." She pointed to the barely noticible fine print.
"Once one has decided to enter, and answered the skill testing question, one may not back out. Doing so would be a breach of contract resulting in a fine of two hundred dinars. Athens Lawyer Congregation."
The two women exchanged a glance, "How were we supposed to know that was there?"
"Now whose fault is that?"
Xena pivoted, her face a cold mask of anger. "You tell me."
"Xena." Gabrielle placed a hand on the warrior's muscled arm. "It's not worth it. Just give him the money."
"I'll give him *BEEP*!" Xena glanced around. "Where did that sound come from?"
The man in the door grinned smugly. "Here in Athens, we consider ourselves civilized peoples. Vulgarities are not allowed. Neither is violence."
Xena looked like she was about to pound him, but Gabrielle handed him a pouchful of money, and pushed the Warrior Princess inside in a hurry.
The blonde glanced back when she heard the doorman call out to some other people. They were quickly convinced, and then came the skilled testing question.
"How many fingers am I holding up?" His hands were clenched, no fingers up.
"Four?"
"That's right! Congratulations!" He pounded the newcomer's back, "30 dinars as a door fee."
Gabrielle tapped Xena's arm, but the warrior was already watching. "That cheap son-of-a-*BEEP*!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- They stood in front of a booth, reading the sign, double checking for fine print.
'You want to be a Millionaire! Skill testing question required.'
"Doesn't say anything about a fee. Want to go in?"
"Sure."
A man dressed in a stylish gray toga stepped up.
"Hello, hello! Do You Want to be a Millionaire?"
"Uh, sure."
"Just answer this question. How many fingers am I holding up?"
"Six."
"You're right! Congratulations!" He pounded Xena's back. "Fee of ten dinars."
"What?!? Where's it say that?"
"There."
Xena looked again, almost hitting her head against the sign. About to say she couldn't see it, she suddenly found it. "Oh."
"You found it?" Gabrielle was still searching.
"O."
"Where is it?"
"O."
"Xena!"
"It's in the O! Of to."
"What?"
Xena pointed to the word 'to', or more specifically, the letter 'o' of the word 'to'.
'Fee of ten dinars. Just as at the door, contract may not be breached. ALC'
Gabrielle turned on the man, "You tried to make it so we couldn't find it!"
He looked shocked at the very notion, "Of course not! It was artistic license!"
"Why you *BEEP*ing *BEEP*!"
Xena grumbled, "That stupid beep spoils all my fun. *BEEP*"
"Oh come on! That was not swearing!"
Forking over the cash, they went in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Ladies! Welcome to You Want to be a Millionaire! Which one of you Wants to be a Millionaire?"
Gabrielle gulped as she glanced around the room. It was full of people.
"Um, Xena does," The bard pushed to warrior forward.
"What?"
"Great!" The man pulled Xena to the couple of chairs in the middle of the room, "Welcome to You Want to be a Millionaire! With the answering of five little questions, You Can be a Millionaire!"
"Would you stop saying that?"
He ignored her.
"The first question. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
"Huh??"
"No, no, no! Listen to the choices first!"
Xena stared. She'd been doing a lot of that lately.
"The choices are: A) a lot; B) some; C) it's own body weight; or D) as much as it could. And remember, you may ask the audience!"
"Okay... Can I ask the audience?"
"Of course, choose the person you want to ask."
"Gabrielle?" She glanced at the blonde.
"I know these games. It's always the last choice. Choose D."
"Okay. D."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Sure."
"You're right! A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as it could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood!"
Xena blinked.
"Alright, next question..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes for gods' sake, that's my *BEEP*ing final answer!!"
"You're right! Apples do grow on trees! But we could do without the vulgarities!" The man's voice was, amazingly, as cheerful as always.
Xena slapped a hand to her forehead.
"Now, final question! This isn't a multiple choice question, though. Are you ready to play You Want to be a Millionaire?"
"*BEEP*"
The host mumbled something unintelligible.
"What?"
He motioned for the Warrior Princess to lean forward. She complied.
"What, is your... bust size?"
It was then that Xena realized she was giving him an excellent view.
Shooting to her feet, she grabbed him by the collar.
"You *BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*..."
"I'm sorry, that is incorrect! Thanks for trying though!"
Xena stomped from the room, Gabrielle close on her tail, trying to ignore the roars of laughter permeating the room.
"Thank you, come again!"
As soon as he said those words, the doorman of the You Want to be a Millionaire room found himself kissing a wall. Such temperamental people, warriors.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "This one looks interesting."
Xena glanced over, "You sure we shouldn't just leave?"
"No. I want to get my thirty dinars' worth. Please Xena?" Gabrielle dropped to her best cute, petulant little girl voice. "This one has your name written all over it. The Weakest Weapon."
The Warrior Princess began to refuse, but hesitated at the tone of her friend's voice. "Oh, alright already!" Pivoting, she led the way to the game room.
"Hello, hello!" This time it was a richly dressed woman at the door, "Do YOU want to pay The Weakest Weapon? Well, this is your lucky day, there are two player slots still to be filled in; but they won't be available for long!"
"Sure," The annoyance in the warrior's voice seemed to go over the woman's head; not that it was surprising, the woman being so short.
"That's great! Just one skill testing question required!"
"How many fin..."
"Six."
Xena grinned, 'Love it when you get all impatient like that, Gabrielle.'
"You're absolutely right! Congratulations!" The woman pounded the blonde bard on the back, "Since you're such pretty ladies, I'll let you in without paying the fee." She stepped aside, and then slapped the Warrior Princess' butt as she went past.
"You *BEEP*!!"
Gabrielle grabbed Xena's arm, barely stopping the woman's hard right hook, "Xena!"
"What??"
The door...woman cringed at the anger in the raven-haired warriors voice, 'Oops, think I would've had better luck with the blonde.'
"Don't get us kicked out!" Gabrielle literally dragged Xena into the room. "Come on!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hello, contestants, take your places please."
Xena and Gabrielle exchanged an interested glance. The hostess' voice was brisk and sharp. Perhaps she'll be different. They took the two empty places around the circle of high stumps in the centre of the room.
"Alright folks, now that we have a full house, let's play the Weakest Weapon!" As the woman's voice died, a little string of cheesy music lilted through the air.
Gabrielle blinked.
"Where the *BEEP* did that come from?"
The hostess stepped slowly towards Gabrielle, "Did I ask you to speak, young lady?" The words were neutral and deliberate.
"Um, no?" Gabrielle had that hind frozen in front of a horse-drawn wagon look on her face.
"Well then, why did you speak?" The strong pinpoints of light in the room glinted menacingly off her short-cropped auburn locks. When Gabrielle didn't answer immediately, she smirked.
"Can you not come up with a good response? I shudder to think of how quickly you shall be kicked out of of the game." She locked her hands behind her ramrod straight back and paced in front of Gabrielle. "Why do you not have a quick, witty comeback you so desperately need? Is your sharp little mind malfunctioning? Or is the word 'malfunctioning' too complex for your pretty little head to grasp?"
Gabrielle looked down, hiding the sharp pain the insults were causing her from her tormenter.
Xena noticed the slight glint of tears in her best friend's eye. 'Why that *BEEP*!' She was referring to the hostess of the Weakest Weapon, of course. The Warrior Princess felt her scorching fury rise in her throat.
"Hey!" She roared. "Who the *BEEP*ing *BEEP* do you think you are, you *BEEP*? No one, no *BEEP*ing one talks to my friend that way! *BEEP*!!"
The red-haired woman turned, to find herself staring up, way up, into the freezing, furious, steel blue orbs of the Warrior Princess. She gulped. Uh, oh...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Xena and Gabrielle walked leisurely through the building, browsing through the selection of games.
"Did you really have to break her nose?"
The dark-haired warrior grinned in a lopsided way. "Yeah, I guess I should've stopped at the broken jaw, huh?"
"Hey, lookee that one. Wanna try?"
Xena raised a dark eyebrow. "You STILL want to play?"
"Yeah. Come on!" Gabrielle led the way.
"Survival." Xena read, her arms crossed across her chest. "Sounds boring."
"Picky." The blonde bard had already stepped up to the door... people. There was a man and a woman, dressed in... not very much.
"Hello! Do you want to play Survival?"
"Yeah?"
"Great! Just answer the skill testing question!"
Gabrielle groaned.
"Spell masochist."
The Warrior Princess stared at them. "Not how many fingers?"
The woman shook her head vehemently. "No, of course not." The brown -haired woman lowered her voice conspiratorially, "That was a GUY's idea."
"Hey!"
The woman made a face at her companion, who had just protested.
Xena grinned, "I think I'm gonna like this game..."
"M-A-S-O-C-H-I-S-T, masochist." Gabrielle spelled.
"That's right! Congratulations! Just one more thing."
The warrior bard sighed, "What's the fee?"
"Nothing!" The doorman hurried to reassure, "It's just that anyone who wants to go in has to wear a special costume." He handed a fawn coloured bundle to Gabrielle, and a chestnut one to Xena. "The changing rooms are over there. And may I remind you that the contract may not be breached." He tapped the sign by his side.
"Did I say I was going to like this game?" Xena grumbled. "I meant this game is nuts."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gabrielle stepped into the game room, with Xena close on her tail. Her costume fit like a second skin on her. It was actually quite similar to her regular outfit, just a different colour. The same mid-riff baring top with really thin straps, the same short, short skirt. But then there was Xena. Her dark brown outfit was nothing but a bunch of strategically placed strips and triangles of fur that were designed to bare as much as possible, and still not be so extreme that the wearer would totally destroy the doorman. The top was two short little strips of fabric that crossed over each other to barely cover the warrior's chest, with a huge gaping triangular space in the centre, showing off the woman's impressive cleavage. The top was tied in the back with a couple of extremely thin strings. The bottom half was a triangle of fur in front, tied to a couple of scraps in the back, forming a kind of skirt, if you really stretch your imagination.
Xena was never accused of having too much imagination.
"*BEEP* lawyer congregation!"
"Calm down, Xena, you already hit that guy a couple of times."
The Warrior Princess stopped in her tracks, "Oh, no."
"What?" Gabrielle followed Xena's gaze. There, standing with a crowd of other scantily clad warlords, stood Ares and Draco.
The two women exchanged a glance.
"Think we can still back out now?"
"Nope, sorry," The doorwoman had somehow just popped up behind them. With a gentle snigger, she pushed them into the crowd. Naturally, Ares and Draco caught them.
"Hi, Gabrielle..." The dark skinned warlord simpered.
"Hi..." Gabrielle tried to grin in a friendly way. It didn't work.
"That guy's pathetic..." The god of war was staring over Xena's shoulder at Draco, sneaking a little look while he was at it.
The Warrior Princess rolled a baleful eye, "Get your hand off my *BEEP*."
Ares raised his hands, putting an innocent, wide-eyed look on his face.
Xena glared at the doorman, who was calling for their attention, her clear azure pools deadly as daggers.
"This'll be fun..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "So, Xena, I love your outfit."
The woman didn't answer. They were wandering around the forest outside the city, supposed to perform a scavenger hunt. X marks the spot, the man said. He also said they would have no help, no contact with humanity, etc. That was supposed to make it hard. And they were to work in pairs.
Xena naturally got paired with Ares.
Then, the Warrior Princess paused, the back of her hand pressed against Ares' bare chest, "Listen."
Gulping, the god gazed down at her hand, "I'm listening."
"Shut up," Xena strode over to a clump of trees, and pulled out a man, who was scribbling furiously on a scroll.
"Who the hell are you?" Xena glanced around, unsure what was missing, and then she realized it. The gods-be-damned beep was gone!
"Hello! I work for Survival!" Like the rest of the people who worked at the games rooms, he was perpetually cheerful.
"Didn't they say we had to be left alone? To make it a real challenge?"
"Yes, yes! But of course, we need to record your actions, otherwise what would be the point of the game?"
"Record for whom?" Ares flanked the scribe on the other side.
"The public of course! Survival is for their enjoyment!" The man was beginning to squeak, losing some of the cheerfulness, "And whenever something happens to you, we have to be on hand to help you!"
"Do you tell the public you're watching and helping us?"
"Oh, they know it, but they conveniently forget about it. It's makes it so much more fun if they believe it's true!"
"So you lie to them?"
"Not exactly..."
"That's it, I've had enough with these stupid, fixed, fake games. Gabrielle?" Xena called towards her left, where a thin curtain of leaves separated the two groups, who were on different 'paths'. Listening carefully, she detected about a dozen other scribes around, hanging onto her every word.
"Xena?" Gabrielle didn't know Xena was so close by; they were supposed to be far away, so they couldn't help each other!
"Ready to go?"
"No! Gabrielle! Please don't leave me!" Needless to say, Draco was paired with the pretty blonde.
"Wait, wait!" The scribe by Xena's side called, "Can you repeat that with a little more passion, sir?" He was already scribbling away on his scroll.
The Warrior Princess sqeezed her eyes shut, counting slowly to ten. It wouldn't help to kill him.
"Let's go, Gabrielle," The warrior bard slipped through the screen of leaves, and followed the Warrior Princess through the woods, carrying a sack of their belongings that had somehow materialized from behind her. Hey, it's the magic of television; if you got it, use it, right?
"But, but what of the game?" The man Xena had caught called after them.
"TO HELL WITH THE GAME!!!"
(The man shuddered. Three whole exclamation marks... Oh gods. The mark of the crazed, the damned... His co-workers never did figure out why the scribe ran off screaming into the woods.)
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