Cinderella
By Ares’ Chosen (Rebecca)
Apollo sat in his temple annoyed, the people he wanted for his production weren’t able to do it. Plus if he couldn’t put on the play, the nine muses would be very disappointed in him. He needed some actors desperately, after all if the God of Light, music, art and healing etc…couldn’t put on a decent play…who could. He went to visit his father, Zeus.
“Father, I’m in need of some help”
“What is it son”
“My actors have disappeared I don’t know where to get some new ones”
The king of the God thought carefully about his son’s predicament, where could he get some actors…then an idea came to mind. With a flick of this hand a bunch of people appeared.
“Son this will be your cast”
Apollo looked at the assembled cast. Xena, Gabrielle, Ares, Callisto, Ephiny and Joxer.
“Father you’ve got to be joking”
Thunder rumbled in the distance
“I am Zeus king of the Gods…I don’t joke!” With that he disappeared and Apollo vanished with his casting troop moments later.
So that is the story of Cinderella, O.Kay who shall play what…
Gabrielle is Cinderella Ares is Prince Charming Xena is one of the ugly stepsisters Callisto is the other ugly stepsisters Ephiny is the step mother and… Joxer is the narrator.
After three days of strict rehearsal it was time for the show to be performed. All the muses, gods and goddesses were in attendance.
However something was about to go wrong, you see back stage for the past hour fights had broken out, plus not everyone liked that part they had been given and also they didn’t like the story line of Cinderella.
The curtain rose and the audience quieted down.
Joxer walked out onto the stage. “Once upon time in a cottage, lived Cinderella, her two step sisters and her step-mother. One day Prince Charming announced he was going to have a party and while there he would choose his future bride. The day of the party came….”
Gabrielle walks out wearing rags followed by Xena, Callisto and Ephiny who are all dolled up.
“Mother, can I please go to the ball?”
“You’re asking me…for once you’re asking my opinion. All the times with the Amazons it was Ephiny do this, and Ephiny do that…now you’re asking me!!!”
Xena elbowed Ephiny into her side.
Joxer… “Uh…the step-mother got very angry and fell onto the floor with a heart attack”
Ephiny gets up and runs over to Joxer.
“I DID NOT HAVE A HEART ATTACK!”
Callisto sees this stomps over and throws fire at them…they dodge; the front row of the audience wasn’t so lucky.
Cinderella ran over to where her stepmother fell over. “Does this mean I can’t go?”
The Step-mother laughed “See this bowl of peanuts, you have to count them”
The bowl of beans is tipped over the bard.
Xena “Start counting!!!”
Callisto screams “Lets have roasted peanuts” she lets out a flame of fire that burns both the bard and the beans.
“Oops, couldn’t resist”
Xena glares and starts fighting Callisto who screams and starts fighting back, at this point in time Joxer steps in.
“The step-sisters fight for who gets to eat the peanuts after Cinderella finishes counting the beans, which won’t be any time soon”
From off-stage a yell is heard, followed by heavy footsteps. Ares…oh I mean Prince Charming appears with the script in his hand.
“Whoa! Hold it, it says here I end up living happily ever after with bardy-poos and that I have to kiss her! Forget it”
Xena who is currently holding a sword at Callisto’s neck about to decapitate her (sound familiar) starts laughing and falls onto the floor.
Again Joxer starts talking.
“The Prince arrived at Cinderella’s house and…”
Ares knocks Joxer unconscious. Xena thrusts her sword through Ares’ stomach “Great! Now we don’t know how the story ends”
The God of War blushes “Please Xena, not in front of the family”
Some-one with blue eyes smiles wickedly “We’ve done it before in front of them!”
Some-one else who just knocked out Joxer bellows “Xena! Please!!!”
A certain Warrior Princess starts prancing around the stage, “Thinking, thinking I am, I believe what we did was foreplay lets get on with it shall we”
Ares looks uncertainly at Xena “What did you just eat?”
“Nothing…Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi”
The next thing the audience know is that Xena is making out with Ares on the middle of the stage…Wait…now Ares is on top and he’s…Whoa! Lets not go there, we need to keep audience member numbers up…but between you and me I didn’t know that was possible, lets get back to…Joxer”
Audience somehow without a narrator simultaneously look to Joxer…nothing happening there…back to Xena and Ares.
O.K lets try that again…Callisto and Ephiny and lava rock (I mean Gabrielle).
“Daughter, go put on your dress” Ephiny says reading from script-book.
“Yes, Ma-ma…who will do up my dress….lava rock here?” Callisto chortles
“Xena look at me! You destroyed my home and my family and I’ve turned Gabrielle into a lava rock, what do you say?” Callisto starts laughing maniacally.
Xena and Ares “Thankyou!” they then go back to their prior activity.
Callisto stops laughing and starts shooting lava upwards. The next thing the audience knows is that it’s the ball scene. Everyone (including Xena and Ares) run off stage to get dressed into his or her ball-costumes, except for lava rock who stays there. 5 minutes later everyone is on stage dressed including the lava rock, which is now sporting a beautiful, half melted silver tiara. Almost everyone is back on stage when the narrator (Joxer) wakes up.
“Guys, guys I just remembered something, in the story of Cinderella there has to be a…”
* CLONK *
Xena walks up again and puts her sword through Ares again! “Ares do you think you can stop it…he was about to tell us something useful”
Ephiny runs on stage “Guys! We need a fairy god-mother for Cinderella”
Callisto screams “O.Kay before we get to the fairy god-mother bit, the person playing Cinderella is a LAVA ROCK!!!! So we need some-one to play the God-mother and Cinderella…any ideas”
Ares and Xena at this moment in time come up with a brilliant idea “We got one!”
The blonde psycho Goddess rolled her eyes “How did I guess!”
A few minutes later and a rigged harness saw Joxer…still unconscious in a fairy-godmother outfit being suspended and moved around by a rig and Ephiny crouching behind Gabrielle the now battling lava rock of Potadeia.
Lava Rock (really Ephiny) “I wish I could go to the ball”
Ephiny stands up “You could if you had a head…legs and arms for starters”
Callisto floats up behind ‘the fairy godmother’ “You will go to the ball” Screeches Callisto.
Ares quickly runs around through audience giving ear-plugs to people.
He runs back to Xena. “Xena, Xena can you hear me”. Lava Rock dies!
Xena looks at him and strangely and starts banging her ears “What did you say honey?”
Ares groans “Great!”
Meanwhile a strange yell is heard from Ephiny. Everyone turns and looks at her.
“the Lava Rock is Dead!!!…The Amazon Queen was a lava rock?”
Xena runs over and check’s the rocks pulse
“Yup, Gabby-rock here is…dead…hang-on how can a rock be dead”
Ares shrugs “It was just her time”
Xena who can now hear again starts crying “My lava-rock is dead! WAHWAHWAH!”
Ares looks towards Ephiny who is trying to tell Ares to console Xena.
Muscular leather clad arms wrap themselves around a certain warrior princess.
“Xena…it’s a lava rock, you’re crying over a lava rock”
* CONK! *
“Xena can you please not thrust your chakram through my stomach, even gods have their limits”
Xena starts bawling even louder.
“MY LAVA ROCK IS DEAD!!!!”
Meanwhile Callisto who is behind Joxer decides to have some fun. She breaks the harness that is holding him and he falls 20 metres onto the ground.
At this time Apollo appears on stage and speaks “Uh…end of first act” he disappears quickly and the curtain comes down.
10 minutes later, the curtain rises for the second act. The stage and background have scorch marks on it and evidence of fighting is clearly obvious, the only thing on stage is…
a lava rock…that is dead…and is sporting a half melted silver tiara.
A few minutes later of silence, nothing happens. Joxer crawls onto the stage and up to where his beloved lava rock is.
“Hi everyone…I’m…uh…back. Lemme sing you a song. Joxer the mighty, roams through…bhew, me very sleepy” Joxer falls unconscious again still wearing his fairy-godmother dress.
Quiet again, Ares walks out onto the stage and whispers to Xena “Do you think Joxer said what he’s meant to say”
Xena whispered back “Take a look”
“Is he dead?” Ares answered deadpan.
The next person to come-on stage was Callisto. “I’m such a good little-girl. Xena I’ll flip you for the part of Cinderella, heads tis me, tails tis you” A coin is flipped. Its lands, Callisto scowls and burns the coin it’s now a little lava rock
Joxer wakes up “Gabby we had a baby, look little lava-rock” the little lava rock starts bouncing over to where Gabby Lava Rock is currently lying.
Xena runs back on stage in full Cinderella gear “You had a child?” she said astonishingly
“I always knew Gabrielle wasn’t that perfect”
“Ares! I’m warning you”
He smirks “So Joxer, buddy old pal, how did you do it…Callisto…NO!!!”
The audience watched in shock as Joxer was turned into a lava-rock.
Xena and Ares start laughing “Look the perfect family”
Blue eyes look into Brown eyes and well that was it, Ares was once again on top of Xena.
Ephiny looked on in horror at what she had seen. “Guys…uh, guys! Hello”
She walked to the centre of the stage then she started to pace around a lot “Well, what do I say…Xena any ideas”
A lone eyebrow is raised “Ephiny, think of something quick because me and Ares well…”
She was cut off by Ares starting to speak.
“Ephiny whatever you say must be short or else you are gonna end up like Gabby, got it! Now Xena, where were we?”
Ephiny tried hard to think of what to say but it was very hard with the almost live sex-show going on in the background. Finally she thought of something.
“And they all lived happily ever after. The End”
* Zonk *
A male voice came from behind “That was too long Ephiny”
The audience clapped as the curtain went down and back up for bows. First to bow were the lava rock family, they didn’t really do anything. At the same time Callisto took her bow whilst poking at Joxer Lava rock. Then Ephiny bowed, well as much as you can when you’re a lava rock. Finally Xena and Ares came on stage, very briefly bowed and ran off.
Apollo once again appeared on the stage “Thank you for attending the play Cinderella, hope to see you soon” the next part he muttered “I will never work in this town again”
You have reached the beginning of my insanity please watch your step.
Please e-mail the author of this story with your comments. ares_92@hotmail.com
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