Spaceneedle
By Jillybean
As I stand here on the space needle I can feel the wind blowing at my face. It's taunting me because it is free and I am left here, all alone.
But the wind has no concept of times passed, no idea about love and it's boundaries. All the wind knows is how to be free.
I have no idea what freedom is, always Manticore, friends or love. I have no freedom and the wind laughs at me. Who truly has freedom? Not Logan, good as tied down by conscience and body. Not Original Cindy, always worried about her friends, not Alec, haunted by his memories despite whatever he tells me.
Whatever he tells me I listen. I can't help it and I think it's destiny. After all, who creates us is God right? And Manticore created us, I think they created Alec and I for each other. There had to be a reason he was my breeding partner, there has to be a reason we work so well together. I have to believe it's Manticore, because it's either them or us. And I love Logan
Always Logan.
And I keep wondering, how much do I love him? Sure I care about him, and I do love him, but do I love him in the crazy way I though I did? When I think back on it he was the first person to know me, like I loved Zack because he knew me. But now there are lots of people who know me, and suddenly Logan has annoying habits and I can see straight when I think about him.
I can see straight to Alec.
One thing scares me about Alec more than anything else: heat. I have no idea how I will react to another X5, or how he will react. I hope to God he's not around when it happens. And I hope that if the worst (or perhaps the best) happens that he will respect me in the morning, I couldn't bear to lose in front of him. What happened yesterday with Rachel touched me, Alec is really just like me.
"Don't think that I can't hear you." Max called to the approaching figure behind her. "I don't." Alec said quietly and sat beside her. He rested his head against her shoulder. "Does that offer still stand?"
"You can talk to me any time Alec." Max murmured, putting an arm around him. "Good." Alec said nothing else. They sat like that until the sun rose.
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Creations
As the dawn comes in I realise Max is asleep. She's a dead weight on my arm but I don't move.
Once I would have.
So much has changed since I was the soldier trained to play a piano. I have a name now, a name, a face, people who care about me. Maybe Max is even one of them. No one will ever be able to take my name from me, no one can take my memories, like Zack proved they will always resurface.
Maybe I am a little insane. Like the phantom of my brother hangs in the background like a sceptre of death. I can't remember Psy-Ops without shuddering. There are parts of it that I never remember, I won't let myself.
Because I'm always all right.
The city down there is scarred, I've never had much use for poetry, it is just words but I can create it good enough. That is a broken world, with no idea of the freaks running through it's arteries, but it has no strength to fight it, and one day the illness will overrun it, and when it does I hope Max and I are up here, watching it happen.
My life has no meaning. After all, I wasn't born, I was created. I do not own myself I am owned by the government. Do I have rights? How can I if I am not real? If reality is existance and existance was given to me by Manticore, then with Manticore's burning I ceased to exist.
How about Max, did she cease to exist? Manticore created her, did she cease to exist or did she become real by Manticore's destruction? Does that make her any more or any less than me?
Did Manticore have plans for us? Did they want Zack and 309 from my unit to pair up, or did they want Zack and Max to be together? Did they plan this before our conception or did they plan it as they watched is train and grow. Maybe they didn't plan it at all, maybe it was just random gene selection that Max and I were thrown together. Maybe they thought I could handle her. But I doubt it.
Everything there was to do with genes. It's in the blood.
Is it fate or Manticore which has me sitting here? Watching the old and broken city slowly pull itself into life? Soon I will descend into it and I will start it working. I will be part of it's blood and it's system. By whose design is that? God, Allah or frickin' Bill Clinton? I could stand up and jump. End it all pretty simply, after all no soldier is afraid of death. But Manticore wouldn't want to waste a prize like me. But Manticore doesn't exist anymore, White would gladly see the back of me.
Either way I'm playing into someone's hands.
The clock is ticking. I should wake Max and we should go to work.
But I'll let her sleep it out. Manticore doesn't exist any more, even if it did have plans they are moot now. White won't have the satisfaction of killing me, and I'll see to it he doesn't get Max either. And to the God who wants me to be the perfect citizen? Well I'll do what the fuck I like, I'll deal and if I need to I'll squeal. I've figured it out. I am my own person and no one has the right to take that away from me. Like I said, I've figured it out.
I exist because I question it.
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Max woke up with Alec's jacket over her. She raised her head off her arms and saw him sitting on the very edge of the Spaceneedle ridge. The sun was high in the sky and there was a bustling noise from the traffic behind them. Alec was watching something, perfectly poised to leap. He reminded Max of a cat crouched, ready to pounce.
"Alec." She said, slightly worried about his intentions. He looked back at her, his expression slightly quizzical.
"Hey." He stood up and walked towards her. Max sat up and stood up, feeling her muscles protest.
"How long have I been sleeping?" She asked. Alec smiled at her.
"Don't worry about, I figured we deserved a day off."
"Oh." Max stretched and Alec retrieved his jacket. She watched the city and couldn't quite find it in her heart to go down. Alec stepped closer to her and they stood.
"I killed Ben." Max said softly. To her relief Alec didn't move or show any outward signs of surprise. Max wasn't sure if it was the soldier's in them talking, or what.
"Do -" Alec stopped, his voice sticking in his throat. "Do you hate me because I look like him?"
"No. . ." Max trailed off, she turned to look at him. She inspected his face, although he was Ben's double, he just didn't look like Ben. "You don't look like him, you're different, different inside. You're an idiot."
Alec chuckled appreciatively.
"Thanks." He said, he looked out at the city. "You know, I wonder sometimes, if my, our mother regrets giving us away."
"I'm sure she did." Max whispered softly. Alec saw sadness in her eyes.
"Max you've never - I mean you've never been pregnant right?"
"What? Oh no." Max shook her head. "What gave you that impression."
"You looked sad." Alec told her.
"Yeah, I show my emotions." As she said the words Max cursed herself. Alec just brought out the worst in her. Alec turned away.
"Alec-" Max began.
"No." Alec held up a hand to stop her. "No, don't." He turned away.
"Alec I didn't mean it - please don't go." Max said, grabbing his arm. Alec wrested it off her.
"Don't bother Max, I know, you just hate me because I'm an idiot who always messes up." He left.
"So boo, first you and Alec were both late, and both in a bad mood, now you both sitting at the same table but only because your friends be here and you haven't said a word to each other since - I don't know when." Original Cindy said the moment Alec and Sketchy left to play pool. Max glared at her pitcher of beer.
"Oh my God, look who it is." Original Cindy cooed as she saw someone come in. "Kendra, where the Hell have you been?" She exclaimed, hugging Kendra. Max turned and smiled at her old roommate, seeing Kendra's escort she gasped.
"Herbal!"
"Max - where have you been?" He asked in his thick accent, Max hugged them both and they sat down.
Sketchy noticed and grabbed Alec's arm, dragging him over.
"Herbal! Where have you been?" Sketchy asked, greeting him with a friendly hug. He turned to Kendra.
"My fine lady, this here is Alec, Herbal this is Alec, Alec - Herbal." Sketchy introduced them quickly. Herbal and Alec nodded at each other.
"So you guys know each other I take it?" Alec said with a smile. Max couldn't keep a glare from her face.
"Wait - lemme guess." Kendra said, holding up her hands to forestall any more talk. She pointed to Alec. "Max, this your new ex or something because I am picking up some really big vibes."
"Trust me, you get used to it." OC said dryly, looking between the two speechless ones.
"Her?" Alec asked.
"Like Hell." Max snorted.
"You'd love a chance." Alec snapped before leaving. Max stared after him.
"Excuse me." She said quickly, following him.
"What is your problem?" She demanded. Alec turned around to face her.
"I don't know, I'm just the one that messes up all the time remember?" He asked. Max clamped her hands over her temples.
"Arg! You are impossible, I never said that!"
"You imply it all the time, you never have anything nice to say and you expect me to grin and bear it? Max, I do everything I can to make it up to you, and I don't even know what I'm trying to apologise for!" Alec yelled, people were beginning to stare. Max took no notice.
"How about messing my life up huh? Ruining my chances with Logan. Not warning me about the damned virus-"
"Max! I was your fucking enemy! How can you blame me for this!" Alec yelled, grabbing her shoulders. Max punched him.
"Because I need someone to blame!" She screamed at him as he touched his bleeding lip. "Okay!? I need to blame you because you're all I can blame! What do you want from me huh? Why do you stick around? Why do you make yourself such an easy target? I can't help myself and you don't do anything to change it!" Max had tears streaming down her cheeks. There was total silence, everyone was frozen, waiting for the next line.
"What do you want me to do? Leave. Max, I will leave if that's what you want. Whatever you want, okay?" Alec stopped talking. He looked down and shook his head. "Whatever you want Max."
Max swallowed and then brushed past him. She fled.
Alec flung his head back and cursed, her rubbed at his face and turned to leave. Nobody made a sound. The moment he was gone the bar erupted into conversation.
Alec found her on the Spaceneedle. She sat and watched the world go by and he felt that he understood a little of why she did it.
"Max . . ."
"Go away!" Max yelled, her voice hoarse. Alec sighed and flopped down beside her.
"I'm sorry."
"No you're not! Go away!" She had her head buried in her arms and she seemed to Alec like a small child. Alec sighed and stood up.
"Okay. You know what Max, I'm trying real hard here to play nice. But I am this close to hitting you."
"Good." Max mumbled. Alec screamed an annoyed, primal roar.
"How in Hell do we manage to survive each other? You drive me mad!" He yelled. Max leapt up.
"I'm not exactly sane right now either!" She snapped back. Alec raised his hands as if he thought of strangling her. His conscience got the better of him and he stalked off.
"Joshua, you in here?" He yelled angrily. Joshua looked up from a painting he was doing.
"Alec. Where is Max?" He asked. Alec flung himself down onto the couch and glared a hole in the wall.
"Don't talk to me about that . . . person." He said. Joshua took up a fresh canvas and started painting feverishly.
"You two been arguing again?" He asked.
"That obvious huh?" Alec asked wryly, slumping more into the seat. He sighed and rubbed his face. "I'm gonna have to leave. Or kill her." He added as an afterthought. Joshua looked slightly alarmed so Alec smiled for him.
"Just joking big fella, I'd never hurt her." Much. He added to himself.
"So you leaving town?" Joshua asked. Alec looked at him thoughtfully.
"Yeah. If Max drops by . . . tell her . . . I don't know, just make sure she knows it's not her fault." Alec turned and left.
Please e-mail the author of this story with your comments. jillybean@yahoo.com